quiet storm

So, I’ve been depressed lately. This is nothing unusual thanks to my history of depression, but this has been a whole new exciting layer of depression – the kind that makes it hard to get out of bed and go on with the day to day because there’s really no point in anything at all. I’ve been too depressed to write about being depressed. I’ve been too depressed to find my depression hilarious. I’ve been too depressed to play dodgeball. Basically, I’ve been depressed, is what I’m trying to say here.

I’m not really sure how to get out of this pit this time ’round. I’m questioning everything – my job, my life, my existence, my raison d’etre – and not finding any easy answers, just a lot of doubt. It feels like I’m sleepwalking through life, mutely looking at everything with giant anime eyes (that don’t quiver, so at least I know I’m not scared). It’s disconcerting.

I haven’t spent the entire last two weeks in a bed fort, although the temptation was mighty. I’ve managed to get out of the house a few times – once to see Shan’s dance recital downtown, and Ed and I went to Seattle last weekend (more on that shortly) – but beyond that, there’s nothing. I’m nothing. This sucks.

The worst part of all of this is that everything is actually fine. It’s even more than fine – things are pretty good. My health is improving. No complaints at home. Our cats are adorable. Hot singles in my area want to meet me. Everything is great, except for the fact that I can’t get out of bed in the morning and I have no joy. No big deal.

Except it totally is, and I hate feeling like this. I miss .. everything. I miss loving my life. I miss loving my work. I miss good times and adventures and laughter. I don’t really know what to do, so I just sit here, expressionless, until it’s time to get up and go sit somewhere else. Eventually, it’ll be time to be expressionless at home, then in bed, then sleep. Rinse and repeat, until the end of time. A big empty nothing of a life, wasting words on lower cases and capitals.

But hey, it’s not all bad. Seattle was super fun – saw an Astronautalis show, met another Kim, fangirled loudly at the stage with her, had Good Times with Ed, visited the Sparkle Castle. I could use more of that – loud, sweaty human interaction. If nothing else, it’s a reason to get dressed and go outside.

I am grim. I shall change my name to Grimli.

if you need me, i’ll be a crow.


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