Monthly Archives: August 2015

feelings about cream

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I subscribe to a number of “beauty boxes”, because although my hair screams “butch DMV clerk”, I love makeup and lotions and all that girlie crap. My favourite subscription at the moment is to Beauteque Monthly, which sends me a bag full of Korean beauty products each month. It’s where I got the Aloe Dildo shown in the post below, plus a whole lot of other neat/weird things that clutter my bathroom counter something fierce.

I just received the August bag, and one of the items was a tube of All in One Snail Repair Cream. At first I was confused because I do not have any broken snails that need repairing, but then I realized that it’s actually snail cream, meant to repair my face. This .. is not better.

I’m seriously conflicted over this, because I LOVE SNAILS. Not to put on my face, but to LOVE AND GENTLY HUG/ADMIRE FROM AFAR. The internet tells me that this cream, which boasts an enviably high concentration of 92% snail extract, is one of the most popular snail creams available. It also claims that the extract is collected in a “cruelty-free way”, but I can’t find any further information on that. I need to know this, because see above re: loving snails. I’m squeamishly curious to try the cream – I could certainly use some repairing – but .. snails. I love ’em. I don’t want to use a product that hurts them. I’d rather have the scars and spots and splotches.

LOOK AT THESE GUYS. How could you want to hurt them for their goo?

hello
please don’t put me on your face
I AM TINY AND ADORABLE
LOVE ME

too much sun

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We rented a boat in Horseshoe Bay today for a glorious afternoon on the water. I got a little too much sun, though, and burned my chest to a mild crisp.

When we got home, I flopped down onto the ground (as you do when you are an adult and also tired). My chest was stinging pretty badly from the sun, so in the interest of after-sun care, I asked Ed to get the aloe out of my bathroom. Still tired and quite happy with the floor, I got onto my knees, figuring it would be easier to apply the soothing lotion to my ample bosom from above. I looked up at Ed from the floor as he shook and manipulated the bottle until the sticky, warm cream came gushing out onto my tits:

ooh, yeah. give it to me. spread it all over.

ooh, yeah. give it to me. spread it all over.

Take care of yourself in the sun, kids.

that’s a first

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I got home just before 11pm after being out on Lola for an evening. As I pulled into the alley behind my house, a black SUV stopped suddenly in front of me as I was about to go into the parkade. The driver unrolled his window and looked back, saying something. I thought he asked me a question, but I had earphones in – so I took them out, lifted up my helmet, and said “I’m sorry, what was that?”

“WHAT?”

“I said, what did you say?”

“I didn’t fucking say anything! Why, you want me to say something? Coz I’ll say something!”

“Buddy, I just thought you said something to me. Calm down.”

“Yeah fuck you you bitch, I’ll fucking say something if I want.”

“Okay there guy, you have a great night!”

*gets out of his car*

“WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME CUNT”

“.. I said, “have a great night”. What is your problem?”

“FUCK YOU YOU BITCH YOU WANNA GO LET’S DO THIS”

“Yeah, no thanks. Fuck off.”

“ARGLE BARGLE FUCKING BITCH CUNT ON YOUR LITTLE SCOOTER FUCK YOU BLAH BLAH I HAVE A TINY PENIS AND I’M A BIIIIIG MAN BECAUSE I THREATEN WOMEN”

“Bye bye!”

*foams at mouth, yells at me some more. his kids get into the car; he was either picking them up from McD’s or the PNE*

I waited until the gate was fully closed, parked Lola, and went upstairs .. where I promptly burst into tears. I’ve had people try to run me over, people nearly kill me, people with rage issues clearly not happy a scooter was in front of their car .. but never, before tonight, has anyone actually gotten out of their vehicle to threaten me, let alone because I thought they had asked me a question.

That was an extremely shitty way to end an otherwise enjoyable evening. I am shaken. I wish I had gotten his plate number or taken a picture, but I was too shocked to do so.

People suck.

hello today

Posted in everyday kimli by

So far today I:

  • Remembered to take my pants off at work
  • Managed to get – and eat – lunch
  • Audited the ever-loving fuck out of my original audit, resulting in a MEGA AUDIT that is so compliant they’re inventing a new fancy acronym for it (I suggested “EFC” for “Extreme Fucking Compliance”)

I WIN! So far, I mean. I’m still getting a haircut in 75 minutes and plan to go swimming later tonight so those could turn out badly, but so far today I am rocking this Wednesday.