Doing things without technology is stupid and complicated.

For Reasons, we’ve decided to give my mother some money each month. In today’s modern age of beeps and boops, this should be a relatively easy thing to do. However, as my mother is approximately as technical as a bowl of mashed potatoes, it’s turned into this bizarrely complicated process that has me one roadblock away from training pigeons to transport cash in little money sacks tied to their legs.

So, giving money to someone. I use Blue Bank, but mom has account with Green Bank. No big deal – I can transfer the money electronically! Except the recipient needs to receive notification of the transfer, which is sent either by email or a text message. My mom has no email, and no mobile phone. The easiest option is off the table, because it’s 1963 and going to the bank is an Outing that requires pearls and a matching Chanel suit and husband refuses to give me money for such foolish finery.

Okay, second option: going to a TD bank and setting up a monthly transfer. Except banks don’t do that anymore, because they want you to go online and use e-transfers to send money to and fro – after all, it’s much easier that way. Sooooooooo I’m now back to my original dilemma – the one where my mother is as technical as a pair of mismatched socks – let’s go to option three.

Option Three is Playing Mommy. I handle a couple of mom’s bill payments, and I’ve done so by creating utility accounts in her name then adding my own auto-pay information. Unfortunately, banks are minutely more secure than the phone company, in that their “prove you’re you” standards are higher. I can fake being mom for some things, but it’s harder to do with a bank. Unless I had Power of Attorney, or something.

Oh wait, I totally have that.

I have no way of proving it, though. All the paperwork is in Victoria.

So, Option Four: open my OWN Green Bank account, and transfer money through it. Except (and you knew there would be an except) Green Bank Website is broken and I can’t complete the account creation process OR save my progress so I can finish it on a different computer. I’m back at square fucking one, and all I want to do is Good Daughter stuff and technology is MAKING IT DIFFICULT.

My remaining option is to go to a meatspace bank every month and transfer money manually like some kind of opium farmer from the Mesozoic era, also known as that pearl-and-pantsuit option mentioned above.

This will not do.

I wonder if I have cheques. Maybe I could just give her post-dated cheques, and she can go to the meatspace bank and cash it.

Why is this so complicated. I hate everything.