I don’t feel like this very often, which is a good thing because it really hurts when I stop to think about it:
I miss my family.
But that’s not true. I miss the family I never had – I miss the fantasy of family; the happily dysfunctional group of people who have wacky misunderstandings and arguments, but at the end of the day are a loving unit again over a laugh track and credits. The mom slash best friend you can tell anything. The dad who would drop everything to help you, cracking dad jokes the whole time. Siblings who torment each other, but are supportive when no one is looking. The big silly dog, because there’s always a dog. Extended family members who make guest appearances and resolve problems within a 22-minute window (24 minutes, if it’s sweeps week).
On September 18th, it’ll be 10 years since my dad died. I miss him. Today, however, I miss his side of the family even more. I have a half brother and half sister I haven’t seen or talked to in ten years – literally, because after dad died, my mother and I were dropped like uninvited potatoes. They resented my mother for stuff they didn’t understand, I never really fit in with my family when dad was still alive, and we’re all the way over here on the west coast. It’s just easier this way. I know that, because 99% of the time I feel the same way: family is complicated and annoying and I am selfish with my time. No one asks me to babysit or go to boring dinners or buy presents for kids I don’t know. My life is super sweet, really. I wouldn’t change it for anything.
.. but every once in a while, the enormity of what I’m missing and the realization of how broken I really am comes crashing in on me like a wave, and I am devastated at my lack. Today is that day, apparently. I know what triggered it, I know exactly why I feel like I do, I know my exclusion in their lives is as much my fault for not trying as it is theirs for shutting the door. What I don’t know is how – if at all possible, if I’ll even want to when this passes – to fix it.
All this being said, I slept two nights in a row without getting up to vomit. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.