Buzzfeed has a lot of silly content, but I really love their Style articles in which a variety of people try out a new trend and report back on their findings. They’ve covered things like the “no makeup” look on men, multiple women styling the same skirt, one outfit on several body types, a plus-sized author wearing things she’d normally stay away from, Victoria’s Secret swimsuits on different bodies, and so many more fun, cute articles that focus on non-media-traditional body types and styles. I dig it. Whenever I come across a piece that I can actually relate to, I do a little dance and dive in.

Last week, they ran an article about bralettes, which are apparently trendy now. As someone with massive fucking titties, I automatically assumed that bralettes were just another frilly pretty thing I could never wear. Big boobs need big support, right? I haven’t been able to wear a bra without an adamantium underwire since the 5th grade. I’m not the only one who’s scoffed at the idea: two Buzzfeed writers with large breasts wore a variety of bralettes for a week, then shared their thoughts.

I’ll let you read their recap, but after I finished the article, I was curious: if THEY could wear bralettes with their large breasts, perhaps I could wear them too! Hopeful and with images of light, delicate, lacy underthings dancing in my head, I hauled out my credit card and ordered myself several different styles (including the strappy style from Torrid they tried in the article).

My order arrived yesterday, and I approached the bras with apprehension: they’re so small. How could these tiny things possibly give me enough chest support? Also, my shoulders are still sunburnt to hell, and all the straps looked to be load bearing. Getting these things on would be painful, in more ways than one. I persevered, though, then put on a dress to see what the bralette did to my boobs.

Oh dear.

This is what my boobs look like in this dress normally:

bra: cacique bold lace plunge bra

This particular dress shows a lot of boob, so I wear it often. It’s also comfortable and has pockets, so the epic cleavage is just a nice bonus.

Here’s that same dress, wearing a bralette:

bra: torrid strappy lace bralette

NO. NO NO NO NO NO. Maybe I’ve been wearing nothing but ridiculous plunge bras for far too long, but THIS WILL NOT DO. Instead of lovely globes of soft girl flesh, I’ve got some weird lumpy pancake thing going on here. Nothing about this is natural: when I am topless, my boobs are not sad mushy triangles. Also, there’s a nipple there. That’s weird. I never have nipples, and I don’t want to start now.

The other bralettes were just as bad. They feel okay on, the lack of steel scaffolding is nice, and they’re pretty. That’s where the good times end: on my body, they’re *awful*. I would never wear them in public for fear everyone is staring at the depressed lumps in my clothes. I shared the above pictures with friends, who all agreed with my original assessment and horror: NO. Not ever.

It’s not a total loss, though – I liked the strap detailing. I would totally wear the strappy bralette over my normal bras, and rock me some space hooker boobs.

I’m sad. I tried some boob science, and my findings were not what I hoped. It’s clear that certain types of large boobs can successfully pull off the bralette and look adorable while doing so, but apparently there’s a line somewhere in the sand: big boobs, yes. Ridiculous huge enormous boobs, lol no. These are not for you. Move along. There’s far too much to see here, and none of it is good.

i’ll always have the space hookers