the purge: out of the closet, onto the floor

I hate our bedroom closets, violently. I finally managed to talk Ed into getting a consultation for redoing our closets into something a little less likely to drive me to homicide, and now some woman is coming out on Thursday to judge us in a multitude of ways. This is what grown ups do for thrills, right?

In preparation for the visit, I’m purging my dress closet. I know one of the things causing my rage is that there’s just too much shit in there – I have a pretty powerful addiction to buying fabulous new dresses – so I’m trying to make room for common sense by getting rid of dresses that do not meet the new arbitrary standards I’ve laid out for myself. Also, Ed is helping. He’s not the greatest at grading my outfits as we have wildly different tastes, but it’s better than playing Fashion Show by myself.

Maybe I should have Twitch’d this shit.

Anyway, these are the outfits that have thus far not made it back into my closet:

  • Slutty Pregnant Toddler
  • The $2 Goth
  • What the fuck this dress is made out of couch
  • Perfectly Okay but seriously I have too many dresses for a mere “okay” to survive the cut
  • Klingon Fetish Club
  • Too Long Yet Too Short Plaid Lumpy Times
  • Executive Perfume Saleswoman
  • Goddamn That’s a Lot of Red
  • Slutty Postpartum Toddler
  • Why Are These Sleeves So Puffy I Am Not Anne of Green Gables
  • Cool Mom Likes Star Wars and Extreme Couponing
  • The Empire Waist Strikes Back
  • Maleficent (that is not a cute name, it’s literally the dress Torrid made as a tie-in for the movie)
  • 1992 called and wants the literal faux-velvet-skull-and-rose-embossed-baby-doll-dresses (yes, plural) back what the fuck were you thinking you have GOT to stop shopping at Hot Topic
  • Hey There, Panda Tits
  • I Secretly Wish I was Steven Tyler
  • Cute Dress, Terrible Sleeves (They’re Like Little Nubblins) (Ed named this one)
  • Jesus Christ I have a THIRD Slutty Child-Baring Toddler Dress Still in the Plastic

Looks that were on the fence but have survived this round:

  • Complicated Slutty Clown
  • 1960’s Goth Opera
  • Pumpkin Spice Circus Tent
  • The Vaguely Asian Maxi
  • The Sole H&M Dress I Own (aka once I shopped like a normal person)
  • Houndstooth No Boobs
  • Saucy Giraffe Milk Maid
  • The $3 Goth
  • The Space Bathing Suit
  • Latin Nights at a Drag Show
  • Saved By the Bell Sleeves
  • I’m Not NOT Hiding Drugs in These Sleeves
  • Yep, This is a Black Dress
  • The Woodstock Gang Bang
  • Hey, This is a Beach Cover Up! (someday I might go to a beach)
  • The Asian Cosplay
  • I’M SO SPOOPY! TOO SPOOPY FOR YOU!
  • This Dress Literally Has DNA On It. Wanna Add More?
  • Rainforest Madame (Ed hates this dress but I think it’s hilarious so I’m keeping it)

Not bad. Stay tuned for The Purge: Pick a Card(igan), in which I go from owning 150 near-identical cardigans to a much more manageable number. Oh, this life I lead!

Also, if you’re holding a garage sale anytime soon, can I piggy back on it? Most of these dresses are in excellent condition (if not actually brand new and unworn) and totally adorable (just ignore my naming conventions), and I’d love to try to recoup even a tiny bit of money for them. Or, if you’re local and could use some new clothes and are not an axe murderer and also wear size 16-20, email me! Perhaps we could “work” “something” “out” *wink*.

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