That thing when you read the comments and then get super sad at the entire internet:

Today I was chatting with my new co-workers, and the topic of video games came up (I think I brought it up, because me). Turns out I work with someone who used to be a competitive Counter-Strike player back in the day, so we traded war stories and videos. He shared a video of a match from 2001, and I dug up the Q3 1v1 finals from QuakeCon 2004, which someone had posted on YouTube. The game was between Zero4 and czm, and featured Ali and myself doing commentary.

QuakeCon was 12 years ago. The video was uploaded three years ago. And yet .. the comments.

• “MY GOD BITCH SHUT UP!!!” – four months ago
• “Wow .. that bitches [sic] voice and speed is fucking frustrating. Nobody needs that.”
• “Females? In MY Quake?!” – two weeks ago
• “The girls make mistakes!” “Yep, she makes sound” – a year ago
• “fucking annoying woman!!!” – 6 months ago
• “why dat girl talk so much”
• “lol, females”
• “Lousy commentary, they say everything that’s happening, we can fucking see that it’s not a radio broadcast” (actually, in 2004, this WAS a radio broadcast. Not everyone was able to log into the server to watch the game, and video streaming was not a thing back then. so .. yeah. we described the action.)
• “It’s pretty obvious that the girls don’t know much about the game or duelling, but what do you expect?”
• “does she ever breathe?!” (this one made me laugh – my casting was fast as hell, and I didn’t breathe often)

It’s more than a decade later, and tiny little manboys are still yelling that women have no place in their video game worlds. I loved casting, and was super proud of what I did. I miss it like hell, but I cannot – will not – subject myself to the new world of video streaming. I remember what the comments were like, and I’m not going to let it happen again. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish things were different, though. And it’s crazy disheartening to find people trashing things you did years and years ago, all because you dared be a woman in a place where boys play.