It wasn’t my intention to post these on 420, but that’s how it all worked out and I’m gonna go with it.

Before I begin, I’d like to stress that I did not just smoke a great deal of pot all at once. I’ve been collecting little snippets of strain reviews as they happen, but the Case of the Missing Post from April 2nd broke a LOT of things in my website and I’ve had to do some disturbing, possibly illegal things to get access to my high rambling. I am pretending it was worth it.

I started out reviewing specific strains of pot for my own amusement, but I’ve come to realize that the real magic isn’t in my sober edits but rather the actual, heat of the moment shit that goes through my brain. This content serves absolutely no purpose to anyone, but my own stupid stoned thoughts make me laugh so now you have to suffer through them too.

Okay, here.

• A blend of Lilac OG and Oregon Golden Goat: This is a political statement high. Would be great if you are looking to fan a spark into a flame to overthrow a government or stage a musical.
• Slap n’ Tickle: When I close my eyes, I’m inside the Price is Right’s set designer’s nightmares. It also made me a bit paranoid: Ed did an overly dramatic cat litter sneeze, and I started worrying he was dead. It made sense at the time.
• Kush Mint Cake: Movie Montage high. I ended up in the kitchen wearing my music hat and dancing while chopping every vegetable to a good 90’s soundtrack (more Reality Bites/Pump Up the Volume/Singles, less TMNT: Secret of the Ooze). Later on, it turned me Minnesotan which was less fun.
• Gas MAC: I AM at least half A WITCH. I discovered you can have symptoms of Reynaud Syndrome occur in weird ass-places, like one nipple. People would have been hard pressed to claim they were “colder than a witch’s tit”, because my tit was painfully cold. I ended up trying to thaw my boob out with a USB hand warmer, which just made things worse because then I was impossibly cold and burned at the same time. I don’t actually remember anything about the high, just the massive panic attack because my right boob was having a stroke and I didn’t know what to do.
• Dutch Hawaiian/Lilac OG: I’m on the verge of understanding how people use weed to help them concentrate instead of just being all floaty woo all the time. I actually kinda like getting high and doing a chore instead of always having trippy 1970s drugsploitation acid dreams. Don’t get me wrong, they’re suuuuper fun, but it’s also nice to get high and tackle a boring or unpleasant job. I usually smoke after work to unwind, and I’ve been creating some crazy dinners because of it. It *might* just be that I really like cutting stuff with knives, but I think the weed had more than a little to do with it all.
• Grateful Breath/Slap n’ Tickle: I am super paranoid. I’ve searched the entire house multiple times to make sure all four cats are present and accounted for, but by the time I find #4 I’m worried about #s 1-3 again. I’m on the verge of a Bad Time, but no time to freak out: I gotta slice a ham.
• Dutch Crunch/Grateful Breath: I’m so high I’ve forgotten Rush.

.. there were more, but I seem to have lost them. Thanks, WordPress!

It’s almost 420. I’m gonna go chop some vegetables.