barbed wire tattoos



Okay so beta blockers. They’re kinda keeping me alive right now. That’s cool, but what do beta blockers actually DO?

Beta blockers work by blocking the flow of epinephrine, which is known as adrenaline.

Well that’s interesting! What happens to your body when you have too much adrenaline?

  • rapid heartbeat (that’s why we’re here)
  • high blood pressure (my blood pressure is catastrophically high)
  • anxiety (hi have you met me i’m anxious about fucking everything)
  • weight loss (I attributed this to my lack of appetite and love of barfing, but)
  • excessive sweating (don’t have this anymore, but it was an issue for a number of years)
  • palpitations (so be it, Jedi)

Yeah so I have all of those. Also of note is the extreme vertigo I get whenever I have an actual rush of adrenaline: my body gets super excited when I get angry and also when I’m looking back over my shoulder while attempting to reverse for some reason. I’m like Bruce Banner but instead of being a genius who turns into the Hulk when he’s angry, I’m a slightly chaotic whirlwind who gets dizzy when she looks over her shoulder to parallel park. Practically the same.

I know medical professionals hate it when you play Google Doctor, but doctors in Canada can be stretched pretty thin at times, and I don’t want someone to (yet again) chalk all my issues up to the fact that I’m fat. I’m gonna take the time to advocate for myself, and advocating starts with research. After all, research diagnosed my goddamn heart failure at least a month before it was confirmed. If I had gone in leading with that line, I’d probably have received help a lot sooner than I did.

All of this is to say I think I might have an adrenaline disorder. It explains all my symptoms, including some that I wouldn’t normally attribute to my current bout of “what the fuck is wrong with Kimli”. It explains why I reacted so damn well to the drugs – not just in this instance, but last time too. I think I even wrote about how weirdly quickly I immediately felt better when I was given medication, and while I’m certain a lot of that was psychosomatic, there’s a chance my epinephrine was going hog wild and reining it in made the sweating and dying go away. I could totally be wrong about this, but it all fits together so neatly that I feel like I should push for someone to look into it. Call a committee. Have your people talk to my people. Take this to the next level. Does it scale?

Anyway, it’s interesting to me and also a puzzle to solve. Part of my overwhelming negative self image has always been attributing everything bad in my life to my weight (thanks, mom), but like .. what if all of this *gestures wildly* isn’t because I really like bread? What if there’s an underlying clause everyone has overlooked because of my rotund figure and jolly disposition?

I deserve to find out.

.. later, though. Ed got his shot yesterday (AZ) and it is kicking his ass. I’m gonna go pretend I’m a good human and adequate nurse maid and tend to his aches and pains. In the meantime, take this personality quiz thing from Adobe. The animations are neat, and my results pegged me to a T, right down to the orange fur, out-of-control eyebrows, and blowjob mouth.

i have too much of this, maybe
like looking in a mirror

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