I’m trying to win a contest, kinda: Hipstamatic is calling for photo entries using their Dali GoodPak. I’ve entered a couple of shots so far – if you like them, can you please tweet the info under the image? That would be super. If I win, I will grow a wacky Dali-esq mustache and give out bristly kisses.

like it? tweet "'I LIKE THIS IMAGE OK: http://hpstm.tc/22ww by @kimli #hipstamatic plz RT"

like it? tweet "LOL MELTING IS RAD: http://hpstm.tc/22gp by @kimli #hipstamatic plz RT"

I’m pretty sure I can do better, so I might have more entries later – but I kinda like these ones too. If you do as well (or even if you hate them, hence the pretending part), tweet up a storm for me so Hipstamatic takes notice. Each tweet containing the picture URL and #hipstamatic is an entry, and the grand prize is a trip to the museum in Florida. Don’t so much care about Florida or flying, but I love Dali’s art and adventure, so I thought I’d throw my goggles into the ring.

Shameless plug: done!

CTV? Done it. Global? *yawn*. CBC? Multiple times.

CNN? Okay, that’s new.

\o/

SQUEEEEEEE! LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL!

i hit it with my head and money came out

What could possibly be inside?

nintendo presents !!!!

I am seriously more excited about the box than I am the statue, because I knew it was coming – but the box is SO AWESOME. I envision much box-related hilarity to follow! Maybe a photo shoot! I know people with mushrooms; we could totally make this happen!

SQUEEEEE!

Also, this has nothing to do with anything written above but is just fantastic:

George Takei is awesome. He makes my heart glad.

It just wouldn’t be Thursday if I didn’t end up covered in cheese and gravy at some point.

I’m busy at work and have no time to write anything interesting. Instead, you should read yesterday’s update – it’s very funny; trust me – and then go over to my App Blog where I posted a huge and useful update this morning. That’s where all my energy went, actually. Sorry ’bout that.

Oh, and I’m a total douchebag now. More on that later!

The question mark is important here – so far, this potential downfall has been met with mutual hysterics (unlike the shocked silence that met my previous korporate downfall), but if the laughter gets just a little bit too loud and goes a little bit too far .. well, it could be unfortunate. But I can’t help it. It’s just SO FUNNY and SO TERRIBLE.

Spell check is a necessary evil that is too often used as a crutch. Toss in a little ESL and some fast fingers, and you have a recipe for total disaster. I’ve already complained about equipment being “over-knighted” to a customer location, and how our “tool-free” technical support would be happy to take your calls .. but this is so much WORSE.

We had an outage at work, and unfortunately, we didn’t make things work again in a very timely manner. There was a lot of miscommunication and frustration on all sides, and when the smoke had cleared, the VP (my former BossBoss; now just my Sideways Boss) sent out an apology email to the customer that had suffered through our mistakes. This is all fine and good, and definitely not unusual. However, the VP is always too busy to worry about proper spelling and grammar. Most people ignore this, but you know me – I die a little inside every time I see a tragic mistake that someone (with my mad skillz) should have caught. Sure, I put a mandatory spell checker policy in place, but it doesn’t always help – after all, it’s not smart enough to know if you’re using the correct word; it just wants your words to be spelled right.

And this is how the VP came to send out an email apologizing for “the incontinence”.

That’s bad, right? It makes you cringe with awkward embarrassment. I should have KNOWN that no good could possibly come from a co-worker asking me to verify what “incontinence” meant, but oh how I wish it was just an idle question.

Slightly horrified, I brought the mistake to the attention of my former boss and suggested that maybe we could ask him to have someone else check the VP’s Important Customer Emails BEFORE he sends them out. I had been volunteered on a company-wide basis to do this for our CEO a few months back, and I was happy to do it – I wasn’t suggesting that *I* be the one to eyeball the VP’s outgoing email, but that *someone* should do it. The idea was quickly smacked down – VP! Can do what he wants! Bad Kimli! Yes this is hilarious, but SHHH! So, I went on my way.

Curious, I looked at the outgoing email again. I wanted to see what had happened, and how we screwed up – on the record, it was so I could see if there were any training opportunities here, but really I was just being nosy.

And that’s when I discovered that our VP had just apologized for “the incontinence” to a bathroom supply company.

That, I just discovered, makes products for elderly or disabled people.

I am too scared to say “this could only be worse if …”, even if I laughed so hard I cried (and immediately ran around to tell Former Boss and Visiting Co-worker, who brought the whole thing to my attention).

I am going to korporate hell.

I get asked to work miracles all the time, because I am just that awesome. However, if the miracle I’ve been asked to produce is basically a shortcut for YOU but creates a metric clusterfuck of bad for literally EVERY OTHER DEPARTMENT, my answer may just be a non-censored “suck it up, princess”.

On the upside, magical mystery cupcakes keep appearing in our lunchroom and I am enjoying the sugar boost. It’ll go nicely with the discount salad I have for lunch.

So, BC’s premiere resigned today. I’m far more amused at the mental imagery of him “summoning the media” – picture  Gordon Campbell with a wand, shouting “ACCIO MEDIA!” mere moments before the press conference, and see if you don’t giggle a little.

Yeah, I didn’t have to look up summoning spell at all. It’s funny how I can’t remember my bank account number, but I know spells from Harry Potter and can recall them in passing to use in idle conversation.

I kept Esther‘s mustache taped to my cubical in case of emergency, but it’s kind of hard to explain – and when I do, I get even more weird looks than usual. Someone is visiting from our Toronto office, and he’s not quite sure what to make of me. That’s okay though. I know what to make of me, and it’s usually cookies.

Hey, look at this smug motherfucker right here:

i hate this guy! so smug!

At this moment, I have seven pairs of prescription glasses at my desk. This might be overkill, but it sure is highly defined!

This is a relatively new habit of mine, and one I’m not sure I want to give up. Part of my benefits include a spending account to cover things that might fall under the “other” category – overspending on drugs or wacky dental issues, physical therapy, regular therapy. A lot of people use their spending accounts for massages, but I kind of really hate them (I know; that’s weird) so I use my meager amount for something else: dressing up my eyeballs. We don’t have a defined vision plan, so every year I use the money for glasses.

This is where the problem comes in: my prescription is laughable weak and hasn’t changed in 10 years, and Clearly Contacts sells cool frames at ridiculous prices (even if they frighten easily). It’s far, far too easy to order a whole bunch of glasses at once for maximum gratification – case in point, as I just ordered three new pairs (total bill: $195). I used the website’s virtual mirror to figure out what wouldn’t be hideous, and it looks like I did a good job – all three pairs are made of awesome (and in some cases, rhinestones). Yay! Fanciness for my eyeballs! I am pleased at my overkill.

I just realized that this blog post sounds like a love letter to Clearly Contacts, but it’s really not – and even if it was, the love would be unrequited because of my terrifying and inappropriate content. Last week on Twitter, @clearlycontacts reached out Vancouver’s Only Blogger to see if she wanted to give away some freebies on her website – so naturally I piped up and asked that they share the blog love. They did ask me for my URL, which I freely gave .. and then they disappeared into the night, leading me to believe that I am not the right type of blogger for them. Sure, I update daily and have been around forever and have a loyal following of crazy people that I love dearly, but .. y’know, I’m not right. To give away stuff. To my readers. On behalf of companies looking for a kind word.

Whatever. Clearly Contacts still provides great products at very nice prices and excellent customer service (this is probably the third order I’ve placed with them; my second order had problems that were dealt with quickly and nicely), so I don’t mind waxing poetry about them (for FREE, even). My positive review can’t be bought .. but it would have been nice to be able to share some love for once that didn’t hurt my grocery budget at the end of the week.

My glasses have *rhinestones*!

i see see see you

.. but with a migraine. Not the best way to start November, but after I completely blew NaBloPoMo last year by not posting on November frickin’ 30th, I need to redeem myself in a big way. So here I am, with my brains oozing out my ears and all. Hooray!

I have nothing to say, though. I’m a little freaked out that it’s NOVEMBER – where the hell did the year go – but that’s really about it. I might have more later. Thinking kind of makes me want to throw up at the moment.

Here is a picture of a tree:

sometimes fall is pretty and dry

Another huge lottery jackpot, another lecture from my mother because I don’t buy lottery tickets. It can’t hurt! You never know! You need money to live! It’s better to spend $30 on lottery tickets than going out to eat! You can’t win unless you buy! I’m due for a huge jackpot any day now! If your work goes in and buys tickets, don’t be afraid to give them money! You could hit the big one! It’s just $5 or $10 or $100 dollars, that’s nothing! FUCK OFF!

I hate lottery tickets; everyone knows this. I also really, really hate the bizarro-land lectures from my mother because I don’t buy them. She honestly thinks that it’s completely foolish of me not to gamble, because I COULD WIN! MONEY! And then BOY, wouldn’t my life be SUPER! I could go on for hours about how backwards and offensive this is, but it would fall on deaf ears – so I just swallow my bile and spew it out on the internet, where it’ll do just as little good but at least make me feel better. I know it’s pointless to try and change my mother, so I won’t even try – but as it’s pretty much the only thing she ever talks about, it can make conversations with her pretty awkward and one-sided. I can usually placate her by telling her that Ed buys lottery tickets – he does, but he doesn’t tell me about it and I look the other way. It makes my stomach hurt, actually. I am not a fan.

Yesterday we had grand plans to have a low key Halloween Eve with beer, fireworks and pie. The beer and pie were easy enough to do, but it proved to be far too wet for any decent explosive fun: we shelved the idea until tonight, when we will join the masses and blow shit up for the sake of pretty colours and loud noises. The evening was still very enjoyable though; we ordered food in from Incendios, had a blast playing with Reilly’s music collection via the iTunes Remote, and devoured a massive pumpkin pie from Costco the size of a small car. With any luck, the rain will hold off after dark for long enough for us to get our bang on – but either way, I’m good. I put 98% of my Halloween energy into our office party on Friday, so I’m kind of okay with low key even with all the bitching I did about having NOTHING TO DO earlier in the week. Which is dumb, as I’ve actually done a lot of stuff this weekend – got a wikked haircut, had dim sum with friends, devoured an aforementioned pie – it’s just not in costume, is all. And that’s okay. Every day is pretty much a costume for me, so I don’t feel the need to wear a mask tonight. Maybe I’ll wear my sequined, feathered devil horns though – I love those things.

And who knows – maybe I’ll take that $30 and go out for dinner instead of buying lottery tickets. Take that, mom. I truly enjoy not listening to your advice. Neener neener!

i am pretty sure the safety instructions tell you not to do this with sparklers

As predicted, no one in my office has any idea what I’m supposed to be for Halloween. While I’m not surprised – honestly, I look like myself with a few extra accessories – I AM a little put out: I chopped off some of my hair for this! And, um, dyed it blue kind of! I should have just gone with the Bieber mask, I guess.

I’m particularly pleased with my hair. I’m getting a cut tomorrow which will basically just clean up the hack job I did this morning, but I’m loving this style. I wish my hair held blue dye better, but I did what I can – in the light my hair is blue, purple, red and brown with some white here and there. I’m classy!

I even got the necklace right, and have an Amazon box at work. I just wish someone here knew what the fuck – everyone keeps asking me where my costume is. Booooooooo!