Category Archives: everyday kimli

one more hurdle

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The inspection passed with flying colours. Inspector Rick was awesome; he spent a goodly amount of time explaining things to us and pointing out things we should have looked at (one baseboard heater doesn’t work, there’s a tiny crack in a shower tile, the gas fireplace needs servicing). That’s a huge relief, and one thing checked off our list. Yay! We are cleared for landing! There are some things with the building that will come up in the next five years – the garage needs to be epoxy’d and the plumbing will need an assessment – but everything else is sound and great. He was particularly impressed with the amount of storage our suite, which we got a nice long look at – SO MUCH STORAGE! I’m also particularly stoked about the TWO CLOSETS in the bedroom – I get my own and Ed gets his and my delicates will never have to touch his stinky man clothes!

There’s just one last thing keeping us from full-on celebration: the mortgage financing. Even if the bank says no due to the partial rainscreening (look at me, talking like I have any idea what that means), MJ Realtor to the Stars has more than enough paperwork to back things up. I’m not particularly worried even if they DO say no, because the information we have should be good enough – but I do so love to worry. We should know soon, and if everything works out, conditions will be lifted on Saturday afternoon and we will spend Saturday evening getting drunk on a beach (the last time we will be able to afford such luxuries).

Then again, if things DON’T work out, we will spend Saturday evening getting drunk on a beach – but in sorrow, not celebration. Alcohol will be present. This is foretold.

We’re going to Tofino tomorrow afternoon with a full compliment of Peeps: M&R, J&S, Darren, and special guest Amanda. We were unable to go on last year’s trip because of Ed’s month-long insurance course, so this’ll be our first time – Ed’s never been to Tofino and I’ve only been once, a very long time ago. I’m excited for the trip! I better be, because it’s the last time I’m going anywhere for 30 years or so.

a close up of a very bad idea

 

affection had two f’s

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Turns out I’m not actually married to Ed.

Drunk Betty had a drunken conversation at him this morning in which she named Shan to be his wife. This discovery is only cemented by the fact that I picked up my camera this morning, only to realize that it wasn’t mine – I had grabbed Shan’s camera on Saturday night by mistake. Or did I? It seems that I am the Other Woman in this little triangle; maybe her things were in the apartment all along and I am just a mistaken whore. Oh, the shame!

This hasn’t been the greatest week for me. I haven’t been getting enough sleep at night, so I’ve been trying to go to bed early. Turns out I’ve been going to bed TOO early – I fell asleep last night before I could do my usual night routine, and ended up sleeping unclean, unmedicated, and in one position all night. I woke up with a headache so bad I had been dreaming about being sick and throwing up for hours, and right now I’m staggering around the office looking like I spent the evening going several (unsuccessful) rounds with Johnny Walker.

One of the reasons I was able to sleep for as long as I did is because our downstairs neighbours (who shall henceforth be known as the Chlamydia Sisters) didn’t make a peep all night, which was refreshing. They are on everyone’s shit list, apparently – the Ineffective Landlord had words with them, they pissed off the building manager by buzzing him at 4:30am to be let in, and they are the reason yet another Common Sense note has gone up in the lobby. They also managed to lose their dog in the building, which showed up (and peed) on the building manager’s doorstep. He just so happens to have a girlfriend who works for Animal Control, so this could get interesting pretty quickly. This is at least the second time they’ve lost the dog (of which they share custody with an ex-boyfriend) in the building, and they’ve lost the cat several times the same way. The Chlamydia Sisters are not very bright – seriously, what kind of adult is so incredibly ignorant that people have to post notes on the bulletin board reminding people not to:

  • slam doors
  • smoke in, or, or within touching distance of the non-smoking building
  • buzz random apartments at 4am because you forgot your keys
  • tell your friends to just “buzz anyone” because they can’t remember your suite number
  • throw food and household garbage into the recycling container
  • let your pets use the hallway as a toilet
  • lose your pets in the building at all

I can’t wait to move.

I’m nervous about that, too. Today is Inspection Day, and I am armed with all sorts of things I imagine one might need for an Inspection:

  • Measuring tape
  • Super Mario pencil
  • Clipboard that is also a chalkboard
  • Magnifying glass
  • Deerstalker hat
  • Condoms
  • Ketchup
  • Someone’s camera
  • A single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat

Today is really the Second to Last Big Hurdle. We read over 3 years worth of strata minutes last night, and it was boring – which is good, because we don’t *want* an exciting strata. Nothing raised any red flags (except perhaps the line about all window coverings needing to be beige or white – there go my plans for a Very Plaid Christmas), but we do have a few questions. Still, I worry. It’s a hobby of mine.

I would love for this headache to go away.

lookit!

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On our anniversary in September, Ed and I spent the day hanging out with Miranda and Reilly doing a photo shoot. Miranda showed me the slideshow today, and IT IS AWESOME! They made us pretty! :D

I will share the link later, because Ed hasn’t seen it yet – but here are some of my favourites:

Kimli1

something over there is fascinating

Kimli and Ed

he is telling me a secret, and it involves bums

Kimli2

mysterious kimli

YAY! Thank you, Miranda and Reilly! You guys are the best!

 

 

seventeen angry

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I never get to have any fun.

At the moment though, this is a good thing – my present idea of “fun” involves Molotov Cocktails, drained cans of tuna, and clogging lessons.

Sometimes fun can be malicious!

I am about ready to put a hit out on our downstairs neighbours. They’re a pair of nurses who do shift work, and have the mentality of a couple of 14 year olds with parents out of town: any time is party time, regardless of what the clock says. They tend to start up around 10pm with the loud music, smoking, and singing. They have terrible taste in music – Celine Dion, Def Leppard, that one song from Ghost – and I want to slap their ignorant faces until someone spits blood.

Yeah, I’m kind of angry.

Last night they – the two ridiculous whores and their boys of the week – had another party. I’m long past the point of polite confrontation, as they refuse to answer the door and/or hide the guilty parties in the bedroom when we knock, AND refer to us as “the mean neighbour/s” when referring to us. I stomped on the floor a couple times, but when they started singing along to “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I lost it and had a little temper tantrum, hurting my foot in the process. Their response was to yell “FUCK OFF” and turn the music up, to which I screamed back “FUCK YOU” and had to do some breathing exercises to calm myself down so I wouldn’t stab large knives in their door as a warning. I hate them. I hate them so hard.

I really, really wanted to engage in a little passive aggressive payback this morning – they sleep when we wake up. I was actually prepping my sub woofer for some revenge when Ed stopped me, saying it just wasn’t a good idea. I know that, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to make them hurt – even if it’s just interrupting their sleep like they’ve done mine for the last month or so.

He did call our landlord, who just doesn’t care. He’s losing tenants left and right, and isn’t going to do anything to help one way or another. He’s actually thinking of renting them the Penthouse – an awesome idea, because then they’ll be pissing off 4 tenants and three other apartment buildings when they crank the music up at 1am on a Tuesday morning instead of just us. He doesn’t live in the building OR the area; what does he care? We were told to wake the building manager up the next time it happens, but the guy doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this kind of shit and has a pretty crappy life as it is; we like him and don’t want to make it any worse. So, we’re stuck. They get to party and smoke and generally be assholes all they want because the landlord won’t say boo either way, I get very little sleep each night, and my urge to do something incredibly foolish (but so satisfying) is rising every day.

I know we have a move coming up, but until the conditions are lifted this Saturday, I don’t want to celebrate – but when I do, you better believe it’s going to be loud and in the middle of the afternoon.

it all happened so fast

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When Josh and Shan said they were buying a place, I was a little dismayed – it all happened so *fast*. I had no idea how they could have done it all so fast – the looking, the decision, the offer, the counter offer, the acceptance, the paperwork – surely this is a long, drawn out process and they were just rushing into things, right?

Ed and I saw a place on Friday at 5:30. Just over three hours later – 8:47pm, according to my outbox – we were emailing MJ with our intent to offer. Barely 18 hours after that, we were in a coffee shop in Park Royal with MJ, signing the necessary paperwork. 4 hours later – we had a counter offer. I emailed back our counter counter offer, and by 8:06 Saturday night we had an accepted offer on the unit. The seller’s paperwork was signed by 8am Sunday morning, and by noon we had initialed and dotted and crossed and now the waiting begins.

I absolutely understand how this could happen over a weekend.

I’m still a little shocked at it all. We’re doing the inspection on Wednesday, and assuming everything goes according to plan, all conditions will be lifted on Saturday and it’s a done deal. We’d be taking possession on December 12th, and spending the holidays in our very own home.

Holy shit.

If I may direct the attention away from my own shock and awe, I would like to toot the horn of Social Media: we used the same realtor and same mortgage broker that literally all our friends have, and they are completely awesome. We’re new to this entire process and didn’t have a clue how to go about it, but we followed the advice and recommendations of people we know and trust and it led us to MJ and Chris, who have made it seem far too easy to buy a home. They are super! I know “Social Media” is an extremely fancy way of saying “Word of Mouth”, but we DID set up most of our meetings via Twitter so that has to count for something.

MJ’s site is funny:

MJ

in order: miranda and reilly, josh and shan, and pending me and ed

nablopomo 2009

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Starts today!

.. a little later today, actually. I have news and a hangover (Kimli style; I need Diet Coke) but I’m in Gastown and have a bunch of errands to run. This afternoon I shall begin National Blog Posting Month with a vengance!

going too far

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There’s the line – then there’s just over the line – and then there’s several continents away from the line that you set on fire, pissed on, and cursed the mother of as you crossed it.

The felted womb is old news. The shower curtain is creepy, but whatever. Wall decals? Not to my taste, but okay. I can even forgive the dildo – it sparkles! – because sometimes you just need to fill* a hole. Everyone knows that I LOVE the vampire FleshLights – now for gays AND straights! – even if they’re not specifically Twilight themed. I get the merchandising; I really do.

But they’ve gone too far.

I am horrified to share these with you: Twilight panties.

“But Kimli, what’s the big deal? There’s nothing wrong with Twilight-themed underwear; how is that different from the Care Bear panties you’re wearing right now?”

The panties are creepy enough because of the face:

panties

poor guy

Bad enough, right? But noooo. They had to go one step further:

Inside

oh god no

“Edward”‘s face. Against your vag. All day long.

If you wear them without protection during your period, you’d be “feeding the vampire”.

WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE

SERIOUSLY

THAT IS MESSED RIGHT THE FUCK UP

Those make me so, so uncomfortable.

GAH

sparkle

no amount of sparkle can make up for those panties

*: as much as you can fill with 6.75″, anyway. Seriously, why bother? If you’re going to make a dildo so people can put it in the freezer and fantasize they’re being plowed by a sparkly ice-cold vampire, why not do the character – and the masturbators – a favour and make it large enough to write home about?

 

civil obedience

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While I’m a little disappointed that I don’t get to make protest signs and sing songs about penguins in a fine piercing tenor, I AM pleased to note that my rambling phone call/voice mail to the City of North Vancouver had Some Results: the street got re-cleaned. When I got home last night, the glass was gone. Hooray! Civil obedience for the win!

In other news, I like my job. They let me do things like this:

Spooky

the cubicle of horrors!

Spine-chilling exhibits include:

  • The router that will not script!
  • Inventory Variance!
  • A 65MB Excel file that refuses to save!
  • 48 hours of Training DVDs!
  • CRM and Sharepoint!
  • The On-Call Pager!
  • Candy!

My work camera has no batteries, so you get a crappy phone picture to tide you over and I get to steal Wunderbars out of the bowl when no one is looking.

 

i demand sucking

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I am practicing being a home owner by complaining about city services.

Our streets get cleaned twice a week (which I think is ridiculous and stupid and if they ever raise taxes to pay for city crap I will be up in arms with protest signs and naked Flash Mobs), which is sometimes useful – like, say, when there’s been a rash of car break-ins and there’s broken glass everywhere. For the last three weeks, there’s been a huge pile of glass on the side of the road, but no one has done anything about it because hey, the street cleaners will come by and suck it all up.

Except that hasn’t happened. We assumed the cleaners didn’t come – they like to skip random days but still expect us to follow the parking signs in case they decide to show up – but this morning, I watched the street cleaner do it’s swirly sucking thing and miss the broken glass entirely.

Well, this sucks. I called up the city to complain – all it would take is a 10 degree twist of the steering wheel to the left, and the cleansing sucking would happen. I told two (highly disinterested) people my story, and was eventually forwarded to the voicemail of some sort of foreman. Whether he calls me back to hear my complaint remains to be seen, but I DEMAND JUSTICE SUCKING! Seriously, clean up the fucking glass already. My taxes pay your salary! You have to do what I want! Never mind that I live in an apartment and don’t pay property tax and routinely call upon the law only when it’s convenient for me – shut up and clean my streets!

Perhaps being an unreasonable crazy person isn’t all bad.

Official Thrill the World numbers from Saturday: 242 Vancouver zombies, $3100 raised for the Food Bank, 23,000+ zombies worldwide. Next year’s dance will be Saturday October 23rd at 9:30pm – join the horde of shivering undead!

I’m excited – I have all the pieces I need for my Halloween costume. I haven’t worn a real costume for non-zombie purposes in probably 20 years, so I am very excited about this. My costume has sound effects; it is that awesome. I’ll be wearing it to work on Friday for our Halloween Pie Day and hopefully on Saturday unless I go for warmth over awesome – which, at the moment, sounds mighty tempting: I AM FREEZING!

I wonder if anyone would notice if I set my desk on fire.