I was really tired of my usual “oh and by the way I’m pregnant” April Fool’s joke – sorry about that. My ego is way too massive to ever stop posting; I envision myself as a tiny withered 97 year old woman floating around in my hoverchair making nonsensical updates via the thought-powered internet I had installed in my brain sometime in my 60s.
I will be an awesome cranky old person!
I’ve been trying to find a picture of my Danger Shoes online to show Ali, but my search somehow took me to hardcore porn.
Normally that isn’t really a big deal, but I’m at work and I’m pretty sure it’s against The Lab’s appropriate internet use policy.
Full frontal anal penetration aside, it was pretty damn funny – this marks the very first time I’ve ever been full out shocked by pornography.
My stars!
Is there anyone out there in the UK that would like to do me a favour?
Never mind. Damn you, eBay – you make my distant fancies an expensive reality.
Delicious Juice Dot Com is seven years old today. Hooray! A great many words have spewed forth from these fingers, and for some reason, you keep reading them. To all my readers past, present and future – thank you. Also, why. But mostly, thank you. :)
Seven year is a very long time!
Words I never thought I’d hear myself saying: “I have a mac cable emergency! Get me 50ccs of hipster gadgets, STAT!”.
After cleaning our apartment, I was beyond delighted to discover that once again, my power supply has bitten the dust. We blow the power several times a week in the apartment thanks to the awesome wiring, and so far it’s cost us three power supplies (Ed one and me two). Luckily, I’m in a rather unique position in that I can’t walk more than 4 steps in my home without tripping over another computing device. I’ve decided to punish my wayward PC for a while by letting it sit there, and have since set up my Macbook to use as my main computer. I’m pleased with this turn of events – now I can have a dual monitor seup and look even cooler than I did this afternoon. This is where the emergency came in, though – after staring blankly at my Mac and my monitor’s VGA cable, I deduced that they were not the same. I had to run to Future Shop to find myself a mini-DVI to VGA adapter (they wanted $47 for the Apple cable versus $18 for the knockoff – I am not as leet as I am poor, so the $18 cable it is), but now I’m all hooked up and bathed in my very own radiation vibe.
Ed and I took part in the Earth Hour today; turning off most of our things for the sake of sitting in the dark. Ed forced a compromise on me in that the Oilers were playing the Flames on CBC and there was no way in several hells he was going to miss it – so we turned off everything in the house with the exception of the fridge and the TV. Then we sat in the dark for two hours (the TV was off for most of the second hour) before we got bored and started turning things back on. I was planning on using my SqueePC on battery and steal internet from Josh’s wireless, but that just seemed like too much effort so I chilled out on the couch and battled some spiky things on my DS. It was good times, and now our place smells good thanks to both the epic cleaning festival and the vanilla scented candles we used for both light and heat.
It is wicked horrible outside. I am very cozy indoors and grateful for my fuzzy socks and flannel sheets.
.. will be spent house cleaning, but more specifically, cleaning up cat puke.
Hooray!
Here’s hoping your weekend is more exciting than mine – although, to be perfectly honest, a quiet weekend of vomit and dust may be just the prescription after my last several weeks of nudity, debauchery, and getting kicked out of dive bars.
It’s amazing how noble a citizen I am when all my friends are out of town.
Clearly, my evil deeds are because of their bad influence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go contemplate my own divinity and clean this dump I call home.
Misreading an article suggesting that you “fill your plate with AIDS!” makes for an exciting morning.
Please sir, may I have some more AIDS?
You know, to go with the 17 other AIDS I have?
I jest, I jest – I only have 4.
Today’s “Slow News Day” headline of choice:
Who’s to blame when your children swear?
I am. Sorry ’bout that. What can I say – I’m an inarticulate motherfucker.
I need something to look forward to that doesn’t come in the mail. Any ideas?
Strange things you may not know about me: I hate sandwiches.
I’m fully aware of how odd it is to dislike an entire industry of food made up of other foods that I generally have no problem with, but there you go. I do not like sandwiches. Occasionally when we are out, people will suggest we get something to eat and inevitably offer up Some Sandwich Joint as a possible snackery – at which point I have to flail about helplessly and attempt to explain why this would be a terrible, life-altering, devastating decision.
I hate sandwiches so much I have cried over them. Once upon a time I was planning our wedding, and my mother in law insisted we should offer up sandwiches at our reception. Given my utter loathing of things between bread, I freaked out and fought tooth and nail against Operation: Sandwich. In the end I won (and the food we ended up serving was beyond delicious and very reasonable), but I am sure Ed’s family had some pretty grave second thoughts about his upcoming nuptials to an obviously unbalanced round girl who threw a tantrum at the mere suggestion of roast beef and tuna salad.
I can’t even give you adequate reasoning behind this quirk of mine – it just is. I am Kimli. Please do not offer me a sandwich.
Naturally, this severely limits my lunch options and usually leaves me hungry after catered corporate events. My life would be a great deal easier if I could just come to terms with the thought of meat, cheese, vegetables and spread between two slices of bread or a bun or even a hogie, but I cannot. It is not to be. I hate sandwiches, you see.
In fact, you could say that I have a sandwich phobia.
That is probably not normal.
Good thing I’ve made my peace with that.
A meme I stole from Natalie under the cut!
Regrets I have at 2am:
I’m getting sick, so I slept from 7 until 11pm feeling sorry for myself. Then I woke up and started cleaning the house at midnight, and there are huge piles of crud and cat hair that I’m dying to get rid of – but I can’t, because it would be “rude”. Fuck rude – there is DUST on my FLOOR and how am I supposed to live with that at 2am?!
Miranda and I caught my downstairs neighbour giving a blow job in some guy’s car outside our apartment this afternoon. We got home from shopping (I bought heels. Coming soon: Ed’s recap of my hospital visit because I’ve fallen and broken many bones!) and I noticed a young man reclining in the driver’s seat of his car. It was a little strange that he might be napping at 4:30 in the afternoon outside our building, but whatever – then I noticed that he in fact wasn’t napping but rolling his head around in pleasure. I immediately Nancy Drew’d that he was getting a blow job, and sure enough, we saw a head bobbing up and down in his genital region. Naturally, Miranda and I raced upstairs so we could watch the blow job from above. I peeped every few minutes to see if they were done, and after ten minutes or so someone got out of the car. Imagine my utter hysterics when I saw that it was one of the two sisters who live next to Josh and Shan; they of the over-protective parents who wouldn’t let them rent the apartment until they had quizzed all her potential neighbours about the safety of the area (we lied). Turns out that maybe her dad shouldn’t have been so worried about the crime in our ‘hood so much as the fact that his daughter gives blow jobs to guys in the comfort of the front seat of a car. Klassy! She got out laden with shopping bags, and he drove off his seed firmly planted in her stomach (I assume; although she doesn’t look like the type to swallow). All in all, it was hilarious. Blow jobs: funny.
Except for the fact that Ed is officially sick and I am getting sick, I had a great Friday with Miranda and my house is clean for 2am. I think I will go drug myself back to sleep, after I look to see if there are any more blow jobs happening outside.
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