Josh – who may or may not have been making a Facebook profile for his cat – came across this and sent it to me:

Facebook found my secret penis. Naturally, it is huge.

Wanna see?

Things I have done today that you probably have not:

• Downloaded Britney Spears and Journey in the same heartbeat without a trace of irony
• Took my pants off in the parking lot
• Contemplated dangerous elective surgery for fun
• Rickrolled Ed because he got a bad song stuck in my head
• Asked my boss for popcorn money
• Been reprimanded but secretly lauded for declaring myself Electron Overlord in my email signature
• Decided over the course of 15 seconds that Miranda and I are going to Japan next winter, and started planning

.. just a normal Wednesday morning ‘round these parts.

I do believe I’ve been punk’d by ICBC. Yesterday my only piece of mail was an insurance renewal card in my name for a license plate I do not own. I immediately came to two conclusions – either ICBC was playing a city-wide April Fool’s joke, or someone had thefted my identity and was insuring cars left and right in my name. The latter didn’t seem likely, but the former was absolutely definitely what happened and I had to track the criminal down and beat them up or perhaps steal the car they insured in my name. Fortunately, I was too tired to do any of that right away so I resolved to wear my crime-fighting clothes under my regular work clothes just in case I was called upon to fight some crime.

As is the story of much of my life, the real reason behind the renewal notice was much less interesting than anything I imagined. I called ICBC this morning and after spending a million years on hold, I learned that I have a generic “extra insurance” policy attached to my person in case I get killt and the killer doesn’t have enough insurance to cover my expenses. That’s it. No crime, no fake Kimlis roaming the streets of Vancouver terrorizing citizens, nothing but a normal boring reasonable explanation.

I appear to be in some serious need of adventure.

I was really tired of my usual “oh and by the way I’m pregnant” April Fool’s joke – sorry about that. My ego is way too massive to ever stop posting; I envision myself as a tiny withered 97 year old woman floating around in my hoverchair making nonsensical updates via the thought-powered internet I had installed in my brain sometime in my 60s.

I will be an awesome cranky old person!

I’ve been trying to find a picture of my Danger Shoes online to show Ali, but my search somehow took me to hardcore porn.

Normally that isn’t really a big deal, but I’m at work and I’m pretty sure it’s against The Lab’s appropriate internet use policy.

Full frontal anal penetration aside, it was pretty damn funny – this marks the very first time I’ve ever been full out shocked by pornography.

My stars!

Is there anyone out there in the UK that would like to do me a favour?

Never mind. Damn you, eBay – you make my distant fancies an expensive reality.

Delicious Juice Dot Com is seven years old today. Hooray! A great many words have spewed forth from these fingers, and for some reason, you keep reading them. To all my readers past, present and future – thank you. Also, why. But mostly, thank you. :)

Seven year is a very long time!

Words I never thought I’d hear myself saying: “I have a mac cable emergency! Get me 50ccs of hipster gadgets, STAT!”.

After cleaning our apartment, I was beyond delighted to discover that once again, my power supply has bitten the dust. We blow the power several times a week in the apartment thanks to the awesome wiring, and so far it’s cost us three power supplies (Ed one and me two). Luckily, I’m in a rather unique position in that I can’t walk more than 4 steps in my home without tripping over another computing device. I’ve decided to punish my wayward PC for a while by letting it sit there, and have since set up my Macbook to use as my main computer. I’m pleased with this turn of events – now I can have a dual monitor seup and look even cooler than I did this afternoon. This is where the emergency came in, though – after staring blankly at my Mac and my monitor’s VGA cable, I deduced that they were not the same. I had to run to Future Shop to find myself a mini-DVI to VGA adapter (they wanted $47 for the Apple cable versus $18 for the knockoff – I am not as leet as I am poor, so the $18 cable it is), but now I’m all hooked up and bathed in my very own radiation vibe.

Ed and I took part in the Earth Hour today; turning off most of our things for the sake of sitting in the dark. Ed forced a compromise on me in that the Oilers were playing the Flames on CBC and there was no way in several hells he was going to miss it – so we turned off everything in the house with the exception of the fridge and the TV. Then we sat in the dark for two hours (the TV was off for most of the second hour) before we got bored and started turning things back on. I was planning on using my SqueePC on battery and steal internet from Josh’s wireless, but that just seemed like too much effort so I chilled out on the couch and battled some spiky things on my DS. It was good times, and now our place smells good thanks to both the epic cleaning festival and the vanilla scented candles we used for both light and heat.

It is wicked horrible outside. I am very cozy indoors and grateful for my fuzzy socks and flannel sheets.

.. will be spent house cleaning, but more specifically, cleaning up cat puke.

Hooray!

Here’s hoping your weekend is more exciting than mine – although, to be perfectly honest, a quiet weekend of vomit and dust may be just the prescription after my last several weeks of nudity, debauchery, and getting kicked out of dive bars.

It’s amazing how noble a citizen I am when all my friends are out of town.

Clearly, my evil deeds are because of their bad influence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go contemplate my own divinity and clean this dump I call home.

Misreading an article suggesting that you “fill your plate with AIDS!” makes for an exciting morning.

Please sir, may I have some more AIDS?

You know, to go with the 17 other AIDS I have?

I jest, I jest – I only have 4.

Today’s “Slow News Day” headline of choice:

Who’s to blame when your children swear?

I am. Sorry ’bout that. What can I say – I’m an inarticulate motherfucker.

I need something to look forward to that doesn’t come in the mail. Any ideas?