I smell burnt toast. Someone is either powerful bad at making breakfast, or I’m trapped in a Heritage Minute.

One of my bosses at The Lab keeps asking about the recurring theme of pudding in my work. He wonders if there’s some sort of joke that he isn’t getting, and that perhaps others won’t get it because they’re not from around here (The Lab is the most culturally diverse place I’ve ever hung my hat).

It’s a valid question, but it honestly doesn’t have an answer. The reason pudding keeps showing up in the chemical disasters I create is because pudding is hilarious. That’s it. Pudding = funny. He is clearly putting too much thought into what I do all day.

There was a protest across the street from The Lab today – apparently some people got it into their heads that shouting at a building would stop the war. I wonder how that went for them?

Also, I am beyond amused at how excited Ed is that the McRib is back. I mentioned it in passing yesterday, and he was so excited he almost rear-ended a car. He had one for lunch today, and if his email to me is any indication, he is very pleased with both himself and the sandwich.

Today I was smart enough to bring emergency pants (but not smart enough to wear socks), and they are not needed. I almost feel like wetting myself in retaliation for my excellent planning gone awry, but .. eww.

I found a way to disguise the majority of my leper-fisting wounds, but the bites aren’t quite past the itchy stage and my leather cuff (I would be so badass if not for the pink flowers) is making me twitch. The bites are truly disgusting to behold and I’m really conscious of the fact that it makes me look as though I’ve been ravaged by some horrible, possibly contagious skin condition. I have plans to be social tomorrow night, and I don’t want people to avoid me for fear of my wrist syphilis. I swear I’m clean!

We’re hopping onto the bandwagon a good 5 years late, but Ed and I have finally started to watch Firefly. We’ve owned the DVDs for the series and the movie for years, but getting me to sit down and pay attention to the TV for that long is an epic quest. I finally caved last weekend, and we’re 5 episodes in so far. I’m really enjoying it, but I refuse to become emotionally vested in it, knowing that it ends abruptly. Also, I accidentally spoiled a major plot point for myself and am bummed well in advance. Still, I see what all the fuss was about. I’m just a little late to the party is all.

In other news, I am totally going to send hit man spam to everyone I know.

• .. if you hit snooze enough times, my alarm clock will give up and turn itself off?
• .. if you put enough jam on your accidental cheese croissant, you can almost – but not quite – not taste the cheese at all?
• .. my many years of internet spoiler reading has finally backfired on me, and I accidentally spoiled something that I was looking forward to?
• .. no matter how sneaky you are when you try to enhance your downtown parking you WILL be busted and sent a nasty email with your only warning not to do it again OR ELSE?
• .. that you should always check your scooter gear for unmentionable nightmare bugs that might bite you while riding and leaving painful, itchy, hideous warty welts on your wrists the size of a quarter and make you look as though you fisted a leper?
• .. that leper fisting might be the worst mental imagery you encounter today, for that I am sort of sorry but really just very amused?
• .. that I am swamped with chemicals and really need to get back to work?

I just made Miranda, Reilly, Josh and Shan watch the last half of High School Musical.

Awesome.

Oh, and Reilly LOVED it. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.

I am actually too upset to use words.

I think I will take up drinking.

Alarms and fire trucks and giant hoses are generally pretty cool, but not when they’re coming from the parkade where your scooter is napping. I’m still not sure what happened, but I did experience some Spooky Parking today – most of the lights in the parkade were out and it was very loud in there. Monsters could have eaten me at any time.

I stopped at McDonald’s on my way to work because frankly there are few things more delicious than a breakfast burrito with quad salsa. In the drive through line, the truck in front of me was full of people dancing to YMCA. It was .. odd. And yet, strangely uplifting. Perhaps more people should dance to gay anthems while waiting for breakfast.

Ed is off to Montreal today for some exciting rodeo clown business. I am jealous – Montreal is super cool. However, Montreal is also super cold. I do not like snow.

Stupid Tuesday, why aren’t you Friday.

Sad news from North Vancouver today, where a large domestic house cat named Hobble Kazoo was found to have killed a woman with his abundant affection.

The body of Kimli Lulubelle Wangzilla was discovered at 5:04pm on Thursday afternoon and pronounced completely smothered. Further investigation revealed that in the course of being loved by one of her three cats, her eyeballs became clogged with loose grey hair and cat dander. Although it is obvious that Kimli was in great respiratory distress due to the 22lb cat being particularly adoring and quite literally in her face, she did little to remove the animal for fear of making it sad. Shortly after the cat waddled off in search of food, Kimli succumbed to her incredible allergies and died in a wheezing, itchy-eyed puddle of discomfort.

Kimli will be missed by all but especially by the Coca-Cola Company, Nintendo, the makers of Reactine, and Future Shop.

I’m still reeling a little from the responses I got yesterday – thank you all so much. It wasn’t my intention to beg for validation, but you guys delivered happy thoughts in truckloads and I appreciate it more than you know. So, thank you. Y’all rock. :)

And now for ghosts. ‘nee’s text message yesterday threatening me with a haunting if I stopped writing made me start thinking about haunted text messages. Then I realized it had already been done – as well as haunted videos, haunted cameras, haunted water tanks, haunted cars, haunted eyeballs, haunted computers, haunted cat boys, haunted newspapers, haunted convenience stores .. I could spend hours researching the mostly Asian theme of haunted stuff, but I have plans this weekend and I should probably also get some work done in the meantime.

They’re running out of things to haunt – the “vengeful ghost” genre is wildly popular, but at some point you’re going to run out of things that can be haunted and then used to torture attractive college students. What then? Well, that’s where I come in. Never one to let people in need go wanting, I give you the Delicious Juice Dot List of Things that Could Maybe Be Haunted in a Movie:

• Music! You could totally haunt a CD and then when you listen to it, ghosts crawl out your EARS and then bite your head off, leaving you unable to hear the very music that caused your death in the first place. SPOOKY!
• Blog posts! “Hey, I heard about this website that has a blog post that is SO BAD/AWESOME/FILLED WITH GRAMMATICAL ERRORS that if you read it, ghosts will crawl out your EYES and then force you to re-take rudimentary linguistics until you stop abusing the apostrophe”. SCARY!
• Pregnancy tests! You pee on a stick, and instead of seeing a positive or negative result, you see .. GHOSTS! Ghosts who want revenge because they were once held captive and made to pee on a stick over and over again until they died from dehydration and now they’re back and angry at YOU!
• Facebook! A comely young lad meets a girl at a party and spends the evening talking to her. When he gets home, he tries to add her as a friend on Facebook but he can’t seem to find her (even though she told him she was on there) – an Advanced Search brings up not her profile but a remembrance group made by her friends AFTER SHE DIED!
• Dustbusters! The film opens with a comely lass in her kitchen pouring herself a bowl of cereal. Out of nowhere, a cat jumps on her counter and startles her because a) she doesn’t own a cat and b) she doesn’t own a counter. In her surprise, she spilled her cereal so she goes to her closet and pulls out a Dustbuster to clean up the mess. Instead of busting her dust though, chunks of BLOOD AND FLESH start spilling out all over her floor and cereal! Reeling back in horror, she’s terrified to note that the strange cat has now turned into SOME SORT OF HIDEOUS BEAST who pounces on her and EATS HER HEART FOR SOME REASON!
• Video games! Oh wait, they already did this one. Okay – what about a horror movie about an online game so insidious that you can’t stop playing it, eventually losing your job and friends and spouse and health and at the very end of the game (which is a plot twist because THE GAME DOESN’T END) you realize that you’ve been dead for months but no one noticed you died because all your friends left you ages ago and you’re doomed to an eternity of your level 69 half elf night orc never ever being able to attain that final ding!

Seriously, Hollywood. I have hundreds of excellent ideas. Call me, we’ll talk.