I have spent the last three days being responsible, and it’s starting to get a little old.

While my mother is very strange and drives me crazy, I am very grateful to her for giving me some of the money from the sale of the house. Since Tuesday I’ve been driving all around town to various banks and spending horrifying amounts of time on hold, all in the name of clearing up the majority of our debts. We both know how lucky we are to get this chance, so we’re not fucking around – mostly because we are Being Responsible, but also because every time someone mentions “money”, my mom yells at me for 15 minutes to tell me not to keep up with the Jones’ and to pay my bills and don’t I dare ask her for money again and also to drive slow. I think she honestly thinks the first thing Ed and I did with the money was rush out to a candy store to buy everything in sight, and then maybe to the Big Computer Store to buy an internet or two. We’ve been telling her since Day One that any money she felt fit to donate to our cause would strictly go towards paying down our debts, but she still thinks she has to remind us every 10 minutes or so in case our frivolous nature takes over our common sense.

Well, my bank account is happily proving my mother wrong. We’re almost entirely debt-free – after the last couple things go through, we will do a dance. There are two Big Corporations who are taking their time grabbing money from me, but the wheels are in motion and soon two more monthly payments will be gone. Hooray! We are so lucky, and we know it. Thanks, mom. You are utterly insane, but you will never know how much I appreciate what you did for me. I’ll also never have to tell you, because our family doesn’t do emotion – but I’ve told the internet, and that has to count for something.

In an ongoing and misguided attempt to prove that I am in no way strange, I’ve uploaded some new snail pictures.

I’ve come to really appreciate the rain, because it’s when my snail friends come out to say hello. I spent much of yesterday evening wrangling the snails; they were venturing out onto the sidewalk where they’d get stomped so I moved them back to the garden. No snail stomping on my watch, please.

I also uploaded images from Victoria, our 7-hour BC Day Scooter Ride, China’s fireworks show, and um .. some other stuff. I like my new camera. Did I mention I got a new camera? Well, I did. It is awesome.

Oscar was molested last night by some jackass with homosexual leanings. He decided that it would be a good idea to sit on Oscar, at which point Ed asked him to get off my scooter. His response was to invite Ed to come down and perform fellatio on his engorged member. The jackass then moved to sit on Max, repeating his invitation to Ed for a little man-on-man action amidst the scooters. Ed, being straighter than I would prefer, declined and watched the jackass continue to park his ass on the two scooters parked outside (Shan’s yet-unnamed Scarabeo is in the shop, being de-restricted). I am not pleased by these developments, as I really really really fucking hate it when strangers touch my stuff. I thought that Oscar’s bad-assed stance would eliminate the need for random people to sit on the cute lil’ scooter bike, but no. People – especially in this neighbourhood – remain as ignorant as ever. Hooray!

Today is Day Two of my being a stay-at-home Astronaut. I’ve gotten quite a lot of work done, most of it while naked – there is a lot to be said about the home office. Any place that allows me to work without pants on is excellent in my book!

Part of my new role involves being on MySpace. I am not sure how I feel about that.

Sasha somehow managed to turn the Narrator on for my MacBook – now all my long boring emails are being read to me in a robotic voice. This is not soothing at all. Thanks, Sasha!

Booooo! Ed wins the anti-prize for today!

There’s a large SUV-thing parked in front of our apartment building. It’s been there for over a week and hasn’t been moved, and doesn’t belong to anyone who actually lives here. It also has a flat tire. The thing is parked directly in front of our gate, meaning anyone who really does live here can’t park near their home. We hates it, we does.

It was decided that Someone Should Do Something About It. I had planned to call the city this morning, asking them to come blow up the car or at least give it a ticket. We’ve had problems with random cars deciding to park all up in our bidness before, so we know that eventually the city will tow said car out of our neighbourhood and we will rejoice at the ability to park within viewing distance of our doorstep. Well, as I was sitting at my new desk and doing my new work from home, I saw a traffic control van pull up. Hooray! Someone Did Something About It!

Except instead of walking toward the SUV to ticket it, she started walking towards the Mazdabator.

Sure enough, WE got a parking ticket. Parking on our street is at a premium, and there was nowhere to park last night (that wasn’t under a tree but since Ed had just washed the car .. yeeeah) so he had to park along the curve of the street as it turned into another street. Well, that is bad. A $30 parking ticket for parking too close to an intersection for you!

The traffic cop DID go and ticket the SUV afterward, so I went outside to cop to owning the illegally parked Mazdabator and move it to another spot. I also mentioned the SUV had been there for over a week, and she said that my neighbour downstairs had just gone out to complain about it, and someone else had also complained this morning so she would start the tow ball rolling. She gave it a ticket, marked it with chalk, and if it’s not gone or moved after 72 hours, it gets towed.

I called Ed at work to tell him that we got a ticket. He asked if the SUV had been ticketed as well, because HE was the one who called the city to complain. That’s right – Ed called the city to get someone else ticketed, and ended up getting a ticket himself. That is awesome. Ed rules, except for the part where he totally does not rule at ALL.

I wonder if my former co-astronauts are still spying on my website. *wave*

Of all the things I wish I learned when I was young – another language, how to whistle, blowing things up with my mind – the ability to fall asleep while listening to music is right up there in the top three.

Ed and I spent the weekend camped out on a piece of plywood with a cheap Ikea twin “mattress” as padding. The uncomfortable sleeping arrangement made Ed snore more than usual, and I found myself wide awake at 5am with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Eventually I remembered that my ear phones are noise canceling, so I shoved them in my ear holes in the hopes that it would be enough to drown out Ed’s nose words. It didn’t work, so I turned on my Zune and tried to fall asleep while listening to music. Turns out I can’t do that – I never listened to music at bed time while growing up, and as such, I simply can’t. It sucks needing near-silence in order to fall asleep. It’s why I can’t deal properly with Ed’s snoring – he’s usually out as soon as he hits the pillow, whereas I tend to doze off eventually. When he starts snoring, it’s game over – no sleep for me. Eventually my mom got up and started puttering around, so I stole her bed to grab another couple hours of sleep after which I was much more pleasant to be around. Sleep good.

It’s all done now. We went to Victoria with Shan and Josh on Friday night to, among other things, help my mom finish out the move. It’s all been finalized, and she got the cheque for the house on Thursday. It was amusing, seeing a cheque for such a large amount – after all was said and done with the lawyer’s fees and miscellaneous charges, she walked away with a goodly amount of money. I am pleased for her – she is more than set for retirement, and could actually do some things to enjoy herself if she wasn’t so dang cheap. As it is, the money will probably sit in various investments forever, while she continues to live like some sort of hobo. That’s it, isn’t it. My mom is going to end up being one of those ladies who live in poverty with a dozen cats, only for people to find out she was worth millions after she died and also that she peed in buckets.

Mom and I stopped by the old house to drop off our extra keys. The couple that bought it are busy with the renovations – they had torn out all the carpeting and some of the kitchen cabinets, and repainted the living room. I gave them my card and asked if they’d email me pictures when done; I’m curious to see what the house could look like in the hands of people with the time and ability to turn it into something special. I suppose I feel a little bit sad when I think that the house is no longer home – I get especially large pangs when I think of my dad – but life goes on. It helps that mom gave me a sliver of the house money, too. The bank will simply adore me when I pay off our debts!

Today is a holiday, and I have errands to do. Operation Break In Shan’s Scooter will commence some time this afternoon, and it will be fun. As usual, I feel bad about leaving Ed behind – his scooter will be coming some time this month – but I also want to go have fun, so .. I will. Fun! Fun and printers and prescription refills! Hooray!

Home! Exhausted! Naked!

Actual sentences: coming soon!

I’m coming to the sad realization that I did, in fact, have a normal life and childhood – I grew up and went to school and got a job and had friends and everything. I really wanted to hold on to my retcon theory, because it was mysterious and exciting and absurd. I hate finding out that I’m just like everyone else. Normal sucks.

On the great crack pipe that is Facebook, someone started a group for people who worked at the Saanich Road McDonald’s, in Victoria. I worked there from 1990 to 1993 or so, and it really added a lot to the person I turned out to be. I learned a lot working there, and very little of it had to do with fries. People, music, alcohol, sex – yeah, it was good times. Hell, McDonald’s made me lose my virginity and get drunk for the first and 20th times. I have vague memories of being roused out of a random drunken sexual encounter by the police at a house party. There was camping, with breakfast made from stolen hotcake batter and sausage patties. It’s true – before my corruption was completed by computers and the pre-internet, the marinating stage began at McDonald’s.

Dirty.

Now I can stalk people I used to have crushes on. Sweet!

Plans are falling in place for the big Five Slash Ten anniversary celebration this September. Since traveling far away is out of the question (go on, guess why), we decided to go to Salt Spring Island for an extended weekend. I made the reservations this week, and we’re going to this fancy spa resort thingie. As usual, I’ve been trying to talk friends into coming with us – it’s just not a romantic getaway without spectators – but Shan is refusing, saying we should probably be alone. Pfft. We’re alone all the damn time; I want to party! I suppose I see her point – she hates me – but I am looking forward to the trip. I’ve never been to a spa before, and I think I’m going to have a mud bath just for the sake of paying money to sit in a mud puddle for an hour. Fun!

If today was payday, it would be awesome instead of just merely pretty great.

The new White Stripes album is super good. The first single really annoyed me the first time I heard it, but to be fair, it was before 8am and I was stuck in traffic – the last thing I wanted to hear was squealy stuff.

I’ve had Icky Thump stuck in my head for the last week or so, but it’s not the whole song – in fact, I get past the song name and it suddenly turns into REM’s It’s The End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine). That is not right. They’re both good songs, but it makes for some hilarity in my head when it’s all smooshed together not to mention the logistical issues of a sing-along.

I took some post-henna pictures, but it’s hard to see the colours. I’ll post them anyway – just pretend you can see the bottom layer of my hair, which is where all the orange is. Also, I need a haircut and my sunglasses are enormous but awesome.

I would really like it to be payday, please.

I got bored last night, so I decided to give henna another try. Last time I henna’d, it turned my head bright orange – not necessarily a bad thing, so I gave it another go. I used Rainbow Henna in Persian Red, mixed with coffee instead of water and with a healthy dose of ground cloves and some saffron. I’m earthy! The result is pretty cool. My head looks like fall; a bunch of browns and reds and oranges all mixed together. It should be pretty cool in the sunlight. I am satisfied.

I utterly ruined some poor woman’s morning, though. I asked for extra salsa to go with my breakfast burrito, and I thought she was going to punch me – she got the meanest look on her face, audibly sighed, then stomped off to get the salsa which she threw into the bag most ungraciously. Jeez, lady – how did you ever graduate McUniversity? Surly fast food workers don’t really bother me, except this woman is the manager and is usually pretty nice. She must be having a bad day, and now I feel guilty for making it that much worse by asking for more salsa. I am a bastard. How I can live with myself, I’ll never know.

I was not kidding when I said my mother and I aren’t close. She knows next to nothing about me, as demonstrated in the following pieces of conversation –

In which Ed covers for me:
Ed: no, Kim can’t come to the phone .. she’s in the bathroom dyeing her hair
Mom: Is she dyeing it blonde?
Ed: Um, no ..

In which we randomly discuss vehicles:
Mom: What kind of car is this?
Me: It’s a Mazda 3
Mom: It’s pretty big
Me: Yeah, it’s why we have it .. I liked the amount of space it has
Mom: You should get an SUV
Me: Um, what?
Mom: Why don’t you have an SUV? I’m surprised you kids don’t have an SUV.
Me: …

My foot hurts. I think I have moldy veins.

Whoever made this is my hero: