Category Archives: international kimli

horizontal at last

Posted in adventure, international kimli by

That was some long-ass travelin’.

Our trip to Barcelona took us through Amsterdam, on KLM. The flight was surprisingly efficient – we departed ten minutes early, and landed almost an hour early. Ed managed to snag a couple of seats across the row from me, so we each had a luxurious 42″ or so of room to wiggle around in. I probably only slept for an hour total throughout the 9-hour flight, but by the time we landed in Amsterdam I felt much more alive than usual (even when taking the Nokia-shaped bruise I have in my right ass thanks to an armrest that was bolted down).  Still, the layover in Amsterdam was difficult because:

  • The non-UK part of Europe has Coke Light instead of Diet Coke and it’s not the same
  • The chairs were hard as fuck
  • We were tired
  • So tired
  • Zzzzz

A 4-hour layover isn’t enough time to leave the airport and explore, so we had to stay put. Eventually our flight to Barcelona was called, and two hours later we were in the enormous shiny futuristic and apocalyptically deserted mega mall they call the Barcelona Airport. There were men with guns but no customs to go through, which was weird. We gathered our bags, Ed grabbed his conference badge (I am hella jealous that he’s attending the Mobile World Conference and I’m not – I’M the mobile nerd in the family, damnit), and by 5pm local time we were in our hotel room.

Okay, poll time – have any of you ever stayed at a hotel at which you needed to insert your room key into the wall to activate the light switches?

We collapsed into our (nice but only partially furnished) room. I had to pee, so I went looking for the bathroom .. but the lights weren’t working. I tried a few other switches, and nothing – our room had no power. This was disconcerting, because I really enjoy the luxury of electricity and sort of take it for granted. After Ed confirmed my wtf, he went downstairs and said we had no power. Front desk was confused, and said they’d send someone up. They did, and an unamused lady schooled Ed in the apparently-common-knowledge-to-everyone-but-us world of room key in wall slot equals power. The lady seemed to think Ed was somehow mentally deficient for not knowing this, but we both agreed that in all our travels (we so worldly) we’d NEVER encountered a system like this. And it’s not just us – Ed met a coworker on his way back from a water run who had the same issue with the not knowing. What gives? Is this a common thing that people know about but I somehow went like 85 years without ever encountering?

I need to sleep now. Tomorrow is my first full day in Spain, and I plan to figure out the deal with the bidet. Oh, and our flight sadly did NOT have USB available, so please enjoy this letter I wrote on parchment using my own blood as ink.

i have misgivings about this journey, but our george donner claims he knows a shortcut. what's the harm in trying?

i have misgivings about this journey, but george donner claims he knows a shortcut through the mountains

baggage, wine, and beer

Posted in adventure, international kimli by

We leave for Barcelona in 7 days, and I’ve barely started packing. This is unusual for me, but frankly I’m a little daunted to be packing for a place I’ve never been before. How exactly does one Spain? Heck. It is giving me anxious.

I looked online for advice on what to pack for a ten day trip, and found a lot of articles with helpful tips. However, they’re all written from the POV of a normal person with absolutely no brain issues whatsoever – “just do this and this and add an extra t-shirt – we like this designer laser-cut leather tank from Fancy Store ($495), it pairs well with the underprivileged children we use instead of carrying a handbag – and voila, ten days in the sun looking like a goddess!” That .. isn’t helpful. Neither was the article that breezily suggested bringing along 5 bras, three bottoms, five tops, three sweaters, one fancy dress, ten panties, and 2 pairs of shoes all in one carry-on. How? How is this humanly possible? I am panicking trying to figure out how to bring 3 bras, let alone 5. Clearly the people who write these articles have tiny small titties and wear puny bras made of tissue paper and string. Do you have any idea how much room 5 of my bras take up? A FUCKING LOT, OKAY. Throw in some fat girl underwear, and I need a steamer trunk just for my unmentionables.

In a fit of hopefulness that is utterly unlike me, I looked online and decided to buy a bra storage case for traveling. I didn’t think I’d be able to fit the 5+ bras it claims to fit, but thought maybe I could get a couple in there. It arrived today:

this may be the single daintiest thing i own

this may be the single daintiest thing i own

Cute, right? It seems fairly well constructed, with moulded insides for the boobie parts and a little pocket to tuck things into. Maybe this would work!

so .. no, then

so .. no, then

My naive optimism is just adorable. I can’t fit one bra in there, let alone multiples. If I squished the bras up real good, I MIGHT get two in there .. but I run the risk of ruining them and losing out on prime luggage real estate. Still, I had to try. For science. Also, does anyone with small boobs need a bra case? If not, I’m gonna use it for snacks. And Lego. Mostly Lego.

Back to the articles, then. Unfortunately, none of them address how to pack for a 10-day vacation if you wear plus-sized clothing. Any 4-5 shirts I decide to bring would take up more room than the 4-5 shirts a skinny girl might pack. It’s just plain science – even at my sluttiest, my clothes have more volume than those of my smaller brethren. Luggage allowances don’t increase just because I like cheesecake.

Complicating matters even more is the fact that I am hideously, horrendously uncomfortable in pants. I wouldn’t be caught dead in jeans and a tshirt, even halfway around the world. That means I pack dresses, which again take up more room than I’m told I need. If I decide to spend the entire trip rotating between two outfits, I might be able to get away without a checked bag .. but I don’t wanna. I want to be cute, not convenient.

I preliminarily packed last night, just to see what I’m dealing with. In the largest packing cube, I managed to squeeze in 6 dresses and two cardigans. I still need a couple more cardis and the aforementioned unmentionables, which I thought might all fit within a second large cube. Now that it’s written down, 6 dresses seems like too many –  I could probably do 4, plus whatever I wear on the plane. Oh but wait, I won’t have access to laundry. I can hand wash delicates, but dresses are another matter. Damnit!

This is a ridiculous problem to have, I know this. And while I don’t often envy those who can throw on whatever the fuck and be cute yet comfortable, right now I have a mad jealous boner of people who haven’t dressed themselves into an anxious (but oh-so-stylish) corner. I made a list last night, numbered each article of clothing I want to pack, cross-referenced each dress with the items it could be worn with, then eliminated the items that had the fewest number of matches. This is how normal people pack, right? With databases and algorithms and strategic planning sessions?

 

so about those things

Posted in everyday kimli, international kimli by

In spite of the rage in the previous post, my boredom and self-pity won out and I ended up purchasing the game at full price. Since then, I’ve been basically glued to the couch with a controller in hand – turns out, I really like Assassin’s Creed. And London. Probably mostly London. I’m halfway through the game, and determined to finish it before I crack open Fallout 4 (my copy isn’t arriving until Thursday, so as long as I avoid the entire internet, I’ll be fine). This is the first Assassin’s Creed game I’ve ever played, and I’ve been having a lot of fun, mostly because it’s the closest I’m ever going to get to being able to crawl around my favourite London monuments without being thrown in jail/falling to my death. Also, I’ve gotten SO GOOD at assassinating people! This will undoubtedly come in handy the next time I have to go to the mall.

So, um, I’m going to Barcelona in February. Does anyone know how to Spain? I do not know how to Spain. Any pointers you could give me on how to Spain would be greatly appreciated, because I am out of my element here (my element being restricted to anything that is requirement based, London, or assassinating people for fun).

I am excited to see additional parts of Europe! At last, “International Kimli of Mystery” will be more than just Western Canada, the Pacific Northwest, and 20 square blocks of London!

artist's rendition of me in barcelona, totally to scale.

artist’s rendition of me in barcelona, totally to scale.

getting high in london

Posted in everyday kimli, international kimli by

Places that are not Vancouver are all weird and flat, so if you get up really high you can see for miles. There are a number of places you can go for a great view, and seeing as I am now an expert in great views (having seen three in as many days), I thought I’d share my findings with y’all.

One New Change Place

Perfect if you:

  • Are mildly afraid of heights
  • Hate queues
  • Don’t trust x-ray machines
  • Are on a budget
  • Can work an elevator yourself, thank you very much
  • Really like St. Paul’s Cathedral and want to admire it from different angles

One New Change Place is free and self-service all the way. It’s also the lowest rooftop terrace I went to, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth a visit. Located directly behind St. Paul’s Cathedral, people are free to take the elevator up to the roof and have a look around. There are a couple of cocktail bars up there if you’re fixing for a sky drink, but you aren’t obligated to purchase anything. Great views of the Tower of London and St. Paul’s can be had here, and if you’re as lucky as I was, you’ll encounter a class of ESL high school students on a field trip to read their essays on London’s notable sights aloud.

Sample views from One New Change Place:

P1040955 P1040962

The Sky Garden

Perfect if you:

  • Are FANCY AS FUCK
  • Love greenery
  • Want to try some fancy cocktails
  • Love waiting in line
  • Could walk through full body scanners all day long
  • Prefer to spend your pounds on the aforementioned fancy cocktails instead of admission

The Sky Garden is another free viewing platform, and a much fancier one than One New Change Place. It does require booking a ticket online in advance, as it gets very busy during the tourist season – I arrived well before my 2pm entry time, but still had to queue up with the masses. There is a security checkpoint to go through with an x-ray scanner for bags, but once you’re through that, you take a fancy elevator some 36 floors up and walk into – wait for it – a garden in the sky. There’s a couple of restaurants and a bar serving snacks, drinks, and fancy (aka expensive) cocktails. Again, you’re not obligated to spend any money while visiting the Sky Garden, but it’s really tempting to get a glass of wine and admire the view while daydreaming up a fabulous backstory for yourself. I highly recommend visiting the Sky Garden if you’re in London, because just look at this place:

look at this majestic shit right here

this is some majestic shit right here

I am tempted to return to the Sky Garden in the evening before the end of my trip. It was really cool.

The Shard!

Perfect if you are:

  • Rich
  • Proposing to your girlfriend
  • An annoying Italian tourist having a very important, very loud conversation
  • A rude woman who refused to stop taking pictures of the sunset (on a piece of shit camera, with the fucking flash on) for even half a second so I could get in and grab a shot for myself, even though her husband asked her 4 times to move for me
  • In love with heights
  • Really into amazing views

The View from the Shard is expensive – £25.95 per adult ticket. However, it’s also the tallest building in Europe, and offers a one-of-a-kind view of London. There are three levels to view from – the 68th, 69th, and 72nd floors – a couple of standard bars offering snacks and champagne, and no limit to how long you spend gazing out the window. The Shard is something I’d always wanted to do on previous trips, but it can be prohibitively expensive if you’re in a group and/or have to choose which things to skip due to time or money. It was the perfect (if a little lonely-panged, especially during the surprise proposal with all of her friends in attendance) thing to do by myself, and I timed my visit so I’d arrive with plenty of pre, during, and post sunset viewing. The views were amazing, the exhibit and audio tour were cool, and the staff was very friendly (one of them brought me a chair when I plopped myself down on the floor so I could stare at the Tower Bridge without being jostled) – but don’t go to the Shard for any of these reasons. Instead, go because of this:

IMG_4098

All the bathrooms are on the 68th floor, and along the exterior of the building. They’re each a self-contained unit with toilet, sink, dryer, etc.

FullSizeRender

I literally took this photo WHILE PEEING.

IT WAS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD.

There are blinds you can draw, of course, but WHY WOULD YOU. WATCH ME PEE, WORLD! I AM LITERALLY ON THE EDGE!

That bathroom was worth the price of admission alone. I highly recommend it.

There are some good views to be had outside the bathroom, too:

just after the sun set (which I did not get a picture of because that woman sucked so hard)

basically the entire reason I went to the shard: tower bridge at night

That bathroom, though. So good.

If you prefer your city views to have a little more history behind them, there are two others I know of: you can climb the Monument to the Great Fire of London (£4), or climb the various domes in St. Paul’s (£18). I have not done these – note the use of the word climb; these attractions are stairs-only and I have a heart condition (and also have walked an average of 8 hours a day for the past week and my blisters have blisters), so I’m skipping these. Plus, I’m kind of all viewed out at the moment. You should see the other pictures.

Do you know of any other must-see vantage points in London I should check out while I’m here? And if you ever find yourself at one of these places because of my recommendation, please let me know – I’d love to know what you thought.

Okay, I need to sleep. Tomorrow: museums! Yay!

utter failure

Posted in adventure, angst, international kimli by

Guys, this didn’t work.

This trip to London was supposed to get it all out of my system. I’ve spent a total of six weeks in the city – each trip a week longer than the last – but I’m not done. I know my love of this city is a little irrational, but have you met me? There’s something here that wants me to stay. I can feel it. No vacation, regardless of length, will ever be enough here .. I need to live in London. I know this as well as I know anything.

This isn’t just the idle rumblings of someone who isn’t quite ready to return to reality, either. I’ve only felt like this one other time in my life: when I was wholly convinced I would shrivel up and die if I didn’t live in Vancouver. I was supposed to be in BC, and every passing month I spent languishing in Calgary was killing me with angst. I needed to be on the coast, so I worked my ass off (and did so much fast talking it became a habit) to make that happen.

I still love Vancouver, but I love it like I love Fresca Victoria – many fond memories, and a permanent place in my heart. It doesn’t really feel like home anymore though – there are so many things I’ve been done with for ages now – and the urgency I felt years ago has been long sated. I feel it here, though. I’m supposed to be a Londoner. So how do I make that happen?

Complications. So many of them, least of which is qualifying for that Visa. I don’t know if anyone truly knows how hard it was to convince Ed that Vancouver wouldn’t kill him, but that would be like asking Ed if he’d like a blow job in comparison. The house. The cats. The sheer amount of money it would take to make it happen. So many obstacles .. but they’re the same obstacles I’ve faced, and conquered, before.

I can do this. I have to, because a force stronger than my ridiculousness is driving me to.

20140701-113036-41436050.jpg

i’m gonna live here one day

ridiculous shoes

Posted in everyday kimli, international kimli, vroom vroom by

.. will be the death of me.

Shopping with Miranda on Friday was perhaps a little too successful, and while I didn’t do nearly as much damage as she did, I came home with more shoes than I left with. I am continuing my endeavor to learn how to walk in things with a heel, and to this end, I am now the delighted owner of these:

They are ridiculous, and I am absolutely in love with them.

Also fabulous are these:


I can appreciate the irony of my being catty about a massive shoe sale then spending my day off buying shoes, but I frankly do not care – CUTE SHOES! Hooray!

The rest of my weekend was much lower key than I had originally planned. Saturday morning saw Ed and I at the Tomahawk with Miranda, Reilly, and Darren – after which we parted ways so Ed and I could do some scooter stuff like get some oil for him (fail) and a new battery for me (win). We were home for the afternoon, where my plans to do some cleaning fell away to the siren song of my bed – I napped. When I woke up I found that M&R had spent THEIR afternoon buying a friggin’ giant car, so obviously a celebration was in order. We scooted to The Eatery for some good times, then perused the bookstore (cheap books make my pants tight in a wonderful way). Clearly, we are a wild party.

On Sunday, I did nothing. I wanted to go to the 420 celebrations at the Art Gallery, but a minor anxiety attack in the morning made those plans seem like a very, very bad idea. Instead, Ed and I rode around the North Shore for a while to break in his new cylinder and to pick up my new Pokemans. I wish I could have laughed at the seething mass of humanity, but it just wasn’t in me. There was more napping, a little bit of cleaning, and lots of video games – a normal weekend, ‘round these parts.

If the weather would hurry up and be warm already, I could spend a lot more time being fabulous outside.

Hey, are down comforters evil?

change of plans

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I’m honestly not sure what I’m more excited about – that this is the first paid vacation day I’ve had since 2002 that I haven’t had to fight tooth and nail to get, or that since I’m not scooting into the Lab this morning, I can have truly enormous hair that isn’t flattened by my helmet. Both of these things are terribly exciting to me!

I had taken today off because Miranda, Tanya and I McKenzie, Jacqueline and Fran were supposed to go back to the Potato Farm for more investigating. Unfortunately, a schedule mix up occurred and our visit was postponed for a bit. Still, I opted to keep the day off anyway and Miranda and I are going south of the border for the day so she can shop for clothing for Cuba. It’s nice out, so this mini road trip is going to be fun. Yay! Days off are good times!

Also? My hair is *huge*.

Originally yanked from Ali, I am planning to spend my weekend doing this. Hilarity is all but guaranteed.

christmas three point oh

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We’re in Victoria, having Christmas with my mom. We went for the traditional this year – we bought her a shredder. It does CDs! Yes, it’s an old fashioned Christmas here in the capital city. Ho ho ho!

Ed and I got our traditional gift certificates (HMV for him, Body Shop for me) – and unexpectedly, a whole lot of cash each. I’m trying to decide if I want to be good and put on my credit card, or have fun with it instead. Obviously the fun would be more .. well, fun, but there’s also something to be said for FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY (namely that it sucks and is not nearly as awesome as new pretty things).

Tomorrow morning we’re off to Seattle via the San Juan Islands (sorry Matt)!

adventure!

Posted in adventure, international kimli by

Last night, Ed and I decided we would go on an Adventure.

So, tomorrow morning we are going to Victoria to have a late Christmas with my mom, then on Sunday we’ll be taking some sort of ferry from the island to Washington State for some fun, American style. Boats! Long bouts of driving! International borders! The blowjob ferry! Oh, it’ll be fun. No, really!

I’m trying to psyche myself up for it, because while I am looking forward to Adventure and seeing Ali and Doug’s new house and small child and also getting in my traditional post-Christmas visit to Sephora, I am SO VERY TIRED. Last night I think I managed to fall asleep around 5am, and was up again before 8. Between Ed’s snoring and my inability to turn my damn brain off, it was a very sleepless night for me. I have a million things to do in addition to the usual trip preparation – I need to run errands at no less than 6 places today, after I take Shan’s cat to the vet for suture removal (I am an awesome friend). So what am I doing? Sitting in front of my computer, randomly clicking on links and staring vacantly at the screen. I’m pretty sure I’m drooling, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed, but I know that I’d never be able to fall asleep because my brain is freaking out that we’re going away in less than 24 hours and there are DIRTY DISHES in the SINK. Clearly, this is the end of the world as we know it and I in no way feel fine.

But, still. ADVENTURE!!