We leave for Barcelona in 7 days, and I’ve barely started packing. This is unusual for me, but frankly I’m a little daunted to be packing for a place I’ve never been before. How exactly does one Spain? Heck. It is giving me anxious.

I looked online for advice on what to pack for a ten day trip, and found a lot of articles with helpful tips. However, they’re all written from the POV of a normal person with absolutely no brain issues whatsoever – “just do this and this and add an extra t-shirt – we like this designer laser-cut leather tank from Fancy Store ($495), it pairs well with the underprivileged children we use instead of carrying a handbag – and voila, ten days in the sun looking like a goddess!” That .. isn’t helpful. Neither was the article that breezily suggested bringing along 5 bras, three bottoms, five tops, three sweaters, one fancy dress, ten panties, and 2 pairs of shoes all in one carry-on. How? How is this humanly possible? I am panicking trying to figure out how to bring 3 bras, let alone 5. Clearly the people who write these articles have tiny small titties and wear puny bras made of tissue paper and string. Do you have any idea how much room 5 of my bras take up? A FUCKING LOT, OKAY. Throw in some fat girl underwear, and I need a steamer trunk just for my unmentionables.

In a fit of hopefulness that is utterly unlike me, I looked online and decided to buy a bra storage case for traveling. I didn’t think I’d be able to fit the 5+ bras it claims to fit, but thought maybe I could get a couple in there. It arrived today:

this may be the single daintiest thing i own

Cute, right? It seems fairly well constructed, with moulded insides for the boobie parts and a little pocket to tuck things into. Maybe this would work!

so .. no, then

My naive optimism is just adorable. I can’t fit one bra in there, let alone multiples. If I squished the bras up real good, I MIGHT get two in there .. but I run the risk of ruining them and losing out on prime luggage real estate. Still, I had to try. For science. Also, does anyone with small boobs need a bra case? If not, I’m gonna use it for snacks. And Lego. Mostly Lego.

Back to the articles, then. Unfortunately, none of them address how to pack for a 10-day vacation if you wear plus-sized clothing. Any 4-5 shirts I decide to bring would take up more room than the 4-5 shirts a skinny girl might pack. It’s just plain science – even at my sluttiest, my clothes have more volume than those of my smaller brethren. Luggage allowances don’t increase just because I like cheesecake.

Complicating matters even more is the fact that I am hideously, horrendously uncomfortable in pants. I wouldn’t be caught dead in jeans and a tshirt, even halfway around the world. That means I pack dresses, which again take up more room than I’m told I need. If I decide to spend the entire trip rotating between two outfits, I might be able to get away without a checked bag .. but I don’t wanna. I want to be cute, not convenient.

I preliminarily packed last night, just to see what I’m dealing with. In the largest packing cube, I managed to squeeze in 6 dresses and two cardigans. I still need a couple more cardis and the aforementioned unmentionables, which I thought might all fit within a second large cube. Now that it’s written down, 6 dresses seems like too many –  I could probably do 4, plus whatever I wear on the plane. Oh but wait, I won’t have access to laundry. I can hand wash delicates, but dresses are another matter. Damnit!

This is a ridiculous problem to have, I know this. And while I don’t often envy those who can throw on whatever the fuck and be cute yet comfortable, right now I have a mad jealous boner of people who haven’t dressed themselves into an anxious (but oh-so-stylish) corner. I made a list last night, numbered each article of clothing I want to pack, cross-referenced each dress with the items it could be worn with, then eliminated the items that had the fewest number of matches. This is how normal people pack, right? With databases and algorithms and strategic planning sessions?