Category Archives: medical anomaly

shunned

Posted in medical anomaly, relationship drama by

I am tired of being in exile.

Ed’s been just this side of dying ill since Monday, so to give him a break and to keep myself from flying into rages when he snores I’ve been sleeping in the spare room. At first it was fun – sort of like camping, and I always love having a bed to myself – but as the days wore on, it became less exciting and more of a hassle than anything else. I miss my bed. I miss my alarm clock. I miss not sleeping directly above the entrance to our apartment building, and not hearing the comings and goings of my neighbours. I don’t need or want to hear Drunk Betty and her companion, Admiral Ackbar, coming home tanked at 3am and stumbling around as they try to figure out how to open the front door. I love me some fresh air, but I also love me some not waking up at 6am with full rigor mortis because the temperature dropped and my blankets fell on the floor. I even almost – but not quite – miss Ed’s flailing elbows to the face. The day he got sick we went and bought new sheets – these crazy deep pocketed 650 thread count Egyptian cotton things made by Isis herself, and I haven’t been able to sleep on them yet and now they’re all germy! It is unfair. I want my bed back. Ed promises tonight is the last night of my exile, but I am unsure – he was still looking and sounding pretty retched when he left for work this morning.

Maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. I should just make the best of it and turn the spare room into MY bedroom – this whole notion of married couples needing to share bedspace is archaic and painful, what with the elbows and all. If I got rid of the crap in the room that I don’t necessarily want to share space with – say, Ed’s snowboarding equipment and the FUCKING CAR TIRES THAT ARE SO WHITE TRASH HOLY CRAP I HATE THEM – I could make the spare room my own personal boudoir for sexy times. I’m an only child; I just don’t get the idea of needing to share. I want my own bedroom!

There are a thousand reasons why having my own bedroom is an excellent idea, but I think I will resist the urge to redecorate with silk scarves and posters torn from Teen Beet for the time being because I know once I got settled, I’d be damned if I’d go back and Ed would probably start to pout after a while, or just get far too used to farting when and wherever he saw fit.

I am equally fascinated and horrified by these. I want a pair in every colour. Finally, my dream of being a Solid Gold Dancer is close to reality!

what in the name of god is that

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After injuring myself, my first instinct is to take pictures and tell everyone about it. That is going to end up being my downfall one of these days – ooh, massive new england coronary! *click* *click* *upload* *prose* *email* *consider calling 911* *ask internet for advice* *die*

That being said,  should I be at all worried about this?

I swear to god that bloody red spot wasn’t ON MY EYEBALL just a few minutes ago.

Oh god, I have eyeball herpes.

AHHHHHH!

a rash young girl

Posted in i'm an astronaut, medical anomaly by

Beware the Ides of March, indeed – our Chief Space Developer is running around the city NAKED.

At least, this is what I have deduced from the large pile of clothing on his office chair – pants, shirt, shoes, jacket. People have tried to tell me that he probably changed into different clothes, but I know the truth – he’s out there somewhere, naked and not answering my email. Look out for the naked cosmonaut on the streets of Vancouver, if you please.

I also think we have gremlins in the space station – every morning when I come in, my chair has been adjusted to a height that is not pleasing to my tiny stature. It is a TOTAL HASSLE to have to fiddle with the lever to get my chair to an appropriate height each morning. I just can’t work under these conditions.

My allergies have been really bad lately, so today I’m giving my face a break by not wearing any makeup. It doesn’t seem to be making much of a difference; my eyes are just as itchy and watery now as they are when slathered in glitter and mascara. I think I’m building up another immunity to my antihistamines; I switched last year from one brand to another XTRA STRENGTH kind and that worked for a while. Maybe it’s just the onset of spring making all my various passages freak out, but this sucks. I miss my glitter. I do not, however, miss this weird red patch on my collarbone. It would have to go away for me to miss it, and even then I do not think it would be something I would pine over. I do not like mystery rashes.

Maybe one day I will write something that does not involve any kind of oozing or rashes whatsoever!

I think I want to go to this.

what does the green pill do again?

Posted in everyday kimli, i'm an astronaut, medical anomaly by

My weekend was spent doing a whole lot of nothing. The cold that had been plaguing me since early last week decided to turn into a sinus cold just for fun, so my head felt like it had gone several rounds with various angry monkeys. We did venture to the outside on Saturday afternoon for video games and cat food, but other than that I did not leave our apartment until this morning when it was time to drag my battered carcass into the Space Station.

Our brief outing on Saturday was a complete success, however snotty my head might have been. I went through our game shelf to find some things to trade in at EB Games, and came up with 5 titles I was either done or bored with: Hotel Dusk, Phoenix Wright: Justice For All, and the Sims 2 for the DS; Ultimate Block Party for the PSP and Elebits for the Wii. At EB we waited in line for what seemed like forever – all the rich people from West Vancouver were buying video games, including small girls in equestrian gear – but it was well worth it, because when it was our turn at the counter, we found our small pile of games had a trade-in value of $102. Holy crap! The EB Jockey was equally amazed; he showed us a trade-in pile from earlier that morning with about 20 games in it that had a value of about $30. Yay for us! We gleefully tore through the store looking for new games to get, and ended up with SSX Blur for the Wii and Kingdom Hearts II for the PS2. Video games are awesome. Even awesomer were my other finds of the day, which included two new bags (shut up, I like bags) and a huge pile of books from the discount tables at Indigo. Ed dragged me out of the mall before I could do more damage at the book store, and we were off to get cat food from the sketchiest pet store in the world before going home to fall into a heap of fluids and price tags.

I had originally planned to be productive on Sunday, but I instead learned an important lesson – while Tylenol cold medication is yellow for daytime and blue for nighttime; Tylenol Sinus medication is green for daytime and white for nighttime. I was feeling uncomfortable in my own head, so I took some sinus medication in the hopes of clearing things up – unfortunately for my grand plans, I took the nighttime pills instead of the daytime ones and ended up passing out for the entire afternoon. Seriously, I got up at 7:30 and decided to cook a turkey dinner. Sinus meds do not fuck around, I tell you what. Perhaps next time it would be an excellent idea for me to actually read the back of the pills I’m popping before I end up huddled in another heap drooling on a cat or two.

So far today I’ve already had to send a nasty “back the fuck off” email to my most hated client. I’m either in for a terrible or an excellent Monday.

where’s the pee

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I don’t know that my vampire pee pills are working – I took my 12.5mg dose this morning at 9, and since then have only peed twice. That’s pretty normal, considering I drank a chai the size of my head. Where is this extra pee I’m supposed to have? How can my tensions mellow if I don’t pee out the evil?

Luckily, the danger of bursting into flame in direct sunlight is minimal because I live in Vancouver and we’re in the middle of the rainy season, so we won’t see the sun for another 9 weeks or so .. but for some reason, that’s not making me feel any better.

Where’s my pee?!

i don’t know why i swallowed a fly

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Finally, my doctor prescribed me the one thing I’ve truly needed for a long time: medicine that will make me pee more.

I saw Dr. Safari last night (no sign of the Latino Sherpa though) for a refill of the anti-crazy, and she took my blood pressure because I think she really enjoys doing it. The last several times I’d been in for my various herpes my blood pressure clocked in high – I just attributed it to my near-constant rage at the world around me, or that I always seemed to be having a terrible day when I had to go to the doctor. Last night was no exception; my panties were in a mighty bunch over the various ways in which Ed had done me wrong. My seemingly constant high score worried Dr. Safari though, so she prescribed me half a low dose of some drug that, among other things, will make me pee like a jolly fiend. It’s also reputed to increase my sensitivity to sunlight, so I’m going to be a hypertensive pee-crazy vampire in danger of heart attacks and kidney failure. Hooray!

clean as several whistles

Posted in everyday kimli, medical anomaly by

I reckon the sooner I get the spring cleaning done, the sooner spring will come. To that end, I’ve been going pretty much non-stop since Friday. I cleaned the bedroom today – you can actually see the floor now. Granted, cleaning the bedroom basically created 6 loads of laundry, but hey – floor. That’s a start, anyway. The kitchen is clean, the living room is .. well, it’s lived in, and as far as I can tell there are only three pairs of jeans left on the floor in various places for me to pick up. They’re all mine. I have too many pairs of jeans, yet in the same vein, I don’t have nearly enough.

Ed is sick. The cold that started with Josh has made its way to Ed and Shan, and they are both sniffly and full of germs. Seeing as I am apparently the only one of us who does not make out with Josh on a regular basis, I am fine – except  I am still experiencing wikked back pain with occasional nausea and vertigo.

I didn’t think I needed to point this out, but I don’t *really* have herpes of any kind. It’s just the generic term I use for all my aches and pains. I’m coming clean with my lack of herpes because several times in the last two days someone has been searching for “kimli herpes” on the internets and inevitably stumbling through here. I don’t have herpes, okay. I am disease free. The only true condition I have is a touch of hypochondria with a hefty dose of melodrama. I could easily nickname my imagined diseases something else, but I find it is in terrible taste to crow about my seven cancers or nine AIDS – so herpes it is. I have fourteen of them!

The thought of doing laundry is abhorrent to me. Maybe I’ll just play video games instead.

rendering .. obsolete

Posted in everyday kimli, medical anomaly by

The nausea has subsided, but my back pain is both raging and spectacular. I’ve been treating it with a heated Magic Bag at night and many drugs during the day, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much other than upsetting my already delicate stomach. I forgot my trusty Advil this morning, so I had to go to the store to buy a bottle of something – that something being Tylenol ULTRA RELIEF, which promises to, among other things, whiten my whites and make me more alluring to the opposite sex. I’d give all that up in a heartbeat if it would make my back stop hurting, though – what good will white whites and sexy times do me when I’m hunched over and moaning in pain?

Ed and I are taking tomorrow off from work in the name of errands. Among the things I plan to accomplish are a doctor’s appointment in which I demand to be placed on the free-for-all surgical list because I can’t afford to pay $3000 per foot; taking Ed’s broken DS to the Nintendo depot for fixin’; returning our empty bottles to the other, less fun depot to start our anniversary vacation fund; a haircut; removing furniture from our bedroom and donating it to whoever wants it; hunting for a Wii, meatballs. It’s pretty lame to take an entire day off to do all this, but I figger we can spend some Quality Time as well as tackle all the little things we SHOULD do but just never seem to get around to actually doing on account of our both being really lazy. There are even some Bonus Tasks we could do – sign up for memberships with the North Shore rec centres, laundry, buy a pug, hunt down the specific and fancy shampoo I require – our list of things we need to do is endless.

We’re also supposed to go to Victoria to see my mom, but I am a bad human and at times also a logical one. My back hurts, see. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it does. When we go to my mom’s house, I have to sleep on the world’s most uncomfortable leather loveseat. If my back didn’t hurt before going to my mom’s, it certainly would afterward – I don’t even want to think about the pain I’d be in if I tried to sleep on that thing in my current condition. The trip to see mom will have to wait, and it’s a shame because I really could use some guilt shoes. Perhaps the following weekend? We shall see, no?

I am going to make up an itemized list of things we need to do tomorrow, arranged by location and distance from the previous task. Super Anal – it’s not just a porn series, it’s my LIFE.

herpes of the vertigo

Posted in medical anomaly by

I am several kinds of sick:

  1. I am on the verge of throwing up, all the time. That funny look on my face? I’m not just happy to see you; I’m trying to think of a polite way to throw up in your general direction without making it seem intentional.
  2. I did something very, very bad to my back. Ed attributes my aches and pains to my avian bird sars, but this pain is very centralized and very, very bad. Whenever it twinges and makes with the hurtie, I want to throw up even more.

Actually, that’s it. I suppose two doesn’t really count as several, but the constant nausea is really putting a damper on my plans to NOT spend the day covered in vomit and curled up in a ball on the floor. I’m sure it would be a lot more exotic and newsworthy if I were a fancy socialite club kid instead of just a very ill astronaut who can’t keep anything down. This sucks. I hate throwing up.

In other news, I had a huge laugh today when I checked the forecast at Environment Canada – they made a huge mistake on the site! Since I am totally the kind of person who points out other people’s errors and laughs, I took a screenshot to show the internet:

 

LOLz! Do you see it? They misspelled “constant, never-ending rain” as “sunny”! Boy, are their faces red and/or covered with egg! They must have gone to the Fergie School of Spelling! Hah! Oh, the funny!