call me, hollywood. i got more of these.

A Sunday afternoon in the middle of a stay home order called for a trifecta of Lilac OG (a new favourite from Mota Cannabis), 10th Planet (heavy hitter also from Mota), and a smidge of Sky Cake (an excellent AAA Strain from Budmail).

I spent the afternoon as the clumsy, quirky, loveable, and perpetually single best friend of Paul Rudd’s wife (TBD, but probably Leslie Mann because why mess with a working formula) in a Judd Apatow coming-of-middle-age comedy, in the scene where the couple (who’ve been having marriage issues), find their teen kid’s weed stash and decide to smoke it in a montage set to an album Paul Rudd puts on and dances around the room to. I really hope I’m Margaret Cho. I love her.

.. wat

make it reign

For all my freaking out about my EXTREMELY CLINICALLY VULNERABLE diagnosis, I just realized there was only a two week difference between my vaccine and Ed’s.

That is not much of a head start.

Maybe I’m not as half dead as I feared.

Neat!

I love these tweets.

barbed wire tattoos

I HAVE A THEORY

A THEORY ABOUT ADRENALINE

Okay so beta blockers. They’re kinda keeping me alive right now. That’s cool, but what do beta blockers actually DO?

Beta blockers work by blocking the flow of epinephrine, which is known as adrenaline.

Well that’s interesting! What happens to your body when you have too much adrenaline?

  • rapid heartbeat (that’s why we’re here)
  • high blood pressure (my blood pressure is catastrophically high)
  • anxiety (hi have you met me i’m anxious about fucking everything)
  • weight loss (I attributed this to my lack of appetite and love of barfing, but)
  • excessive sweating (don’t have this anymore, but it was an issue for a number of years)
  • palpitations (so be it, Jedi)

Yeah so I have all of those. Also of note is the extreme vertigo I get whenever I have an actual rush of adrenaline: my body gets super excited when I get angry and also when I’m looking back over my shoulder while attempting to reverse for some reason. I’m like Bruce Banner but instead of being a genius who turns into the Hulk when he’s angry, I’m a slightly chaotic whirlwind who gets dizzy when she looks over her shoulder to parallel park. Practically the same.

I know medical professionals hate it when you play Google Doctor, but doctors in Canada can be stretched pretty thin at times, and I don’t want someone to (yet again) chalk all my issues up to the fact that I’m fat. I’m gonna take the time to advocate for myself, and advocating starts with research. After all, research diagnosed my goddamn heart failure at least a month before it was confirmed. If I had gone in leading with that line, I’d probably have received help a lot sooner than I did.

All of this is to say I think I might have an adrenaline disorder. It explains all my symptoms, including some that I wouldn’t normally attribute to my current bout of “what the fuck is wrong with Kimli”. It explains why I reacted so damn well to the drugs – not just in this instance, but last time too. I think I even wrote about how weirdly quickly I immediately felt better when I was given medication, and while I’m certain a lot of that was psychosomatic, there’s a chance my epinephrine was going hog wild and reining it in made the sweating and dying go away. I could totally be wrong about this, but it all fits together so neatly that I feel like I should push for someone to look into it. Call a committee. Have your people talk to my people. Take this to the next level. Does it scale?

Anyway, it’s interesting to me and also a puzzle to solve. Part of my overwhelming negative self image has always been attributing everything bad in my life to my weight (thanks, mom), but like .. what if all of this *gestures wildly* isn’t because I really like bread? What if there’s an underlying clause everyone has overlooked because of my rotund figure and jolly disposition?

I deserve to find out.

.. later, though. Ed got his shot yesterday (AZ) and it is kicking his ass. I’m gonna go pretend I’m a good human and adequate nurse maid and tend to his aches and pains. In the meantime, take this personality quiz thing from Adobe. The animations are neat, and my results pegged me to a T, right down to the orange fur, out-of-control eyebrows, and blowjob mouth.

i have too much of this, maybe
like looking in a mirror

peachy keen, jelly bean

Beta Blockers are the shit.

After my first bout of Fucky Heart, I was put on beta blockers to .. block my beta, I assume. I never really knew what they did, but my doc was pleased with my progress so I followed his orders. Eventually, I was weaned off my heart drugs and went on my merry little way, picking up other mysterious and complicated diseases along the way. It’s kind of my “thing”.

When I had to wear the Holter monitor overnight, my resting heart rate average was about 117. That is almost double the optimum amount of heart, so there was much concern, beard-stroking, and tutting. My new cardiologist started me out on a tiny, tiny dose of beta blockers, then had me wear the Holter overnight again to see if the medication helped. We had a chat this morning, and with my betas being well blocked, my resting heart rate is hovering below 80. Science is marvellous. I love science! Now we just need to fix everything ELSE currently wrong with me, but at least we’re off to a good start. I’m still waiting for my echolocation appointment, but New Doc is happy with my progress and I will absolutely take this win.

Ed is scheduled for his first vaccine this afternoon. He was actually scheduled for yesterday, but there was a massive traffic jam on the bridge leading to his appointment and no way we’d make it in time. Luckily, as we were leaving for this jab, he received an alert from another pharmacy saying he could book his appointment. While we were waiting for a break in traffic to duck out of the jam, I was able to book him a new appointment at a pharmacy 5 minutes from our house for this afternoon, then cancel the original appointment with 10 minutes to spare. I hope they were able to jab a walk-in patient, but the accident on the bridge was out of our control and I haven’t yet mastered the art of teleportation. Everything has seemingly worked out so far, but I’ll breathe easier (no pun intended) after he gets poked this afternoon.

If I’m being honest, I’m a little concerned about the follow-up vaccine process. I’ve been reading reports of the Pfizer vaccine needing a THIRD jab to make sure it takes hold, but I’m not at all confident I’ll be able to receive my second before the first one runs out of juice. I have range anxiety, in vaccine form. It figures.

Speaking of range anxiety, I ordered a magsafe compatible battery charger some time ago and it arrived yesterday and life as we know it has changed: you can charge your phone while on the go and not need to deal with cables at all. I’m very used to having a cable snaking out of my backpack while off on adventures, but now I can charge my phone and have full range of movement. I don’t know why I’m so excited about this – I haven’t had to use a portable battery since we were in Amsterdam 13 months ago – but ONE DAY it will happen again. And when it does, I can charge my phone without cables. Goddamn, I love gadgets.

Yeah, I’m buying AirTags. And I was thinking about getting a new iMac anyway, so I’ll be upgrading that too. What? I need to celebrate my heart somehow, and electronics make me happy.

There are worse things I could do
Than buy a new toy or two
Even if most of Twitter thinks I’m a sheep and a fool
I suppose it could be true
But there are worse thing I could do

swed: the live blog

I am very concerned about what modern Mickey Mouse looks like. Is he the round flat, or the retro modern pointy nose?

It took me an inordinate amount of time to calculate the modern equivalent of future time LMM’s writing about you today – this some no math bullshit.

Too high to say sausage roll. Very sad day.

Trifecta high for 4/20: Lilac OG+Dutch Crunch+Sky Cake.

Being very confused at how to explain my Future Hamilton timeline starring your life right now
What will the rousing statement in the big opening number introducing you be?

PSA: this is not a regular Tuesday high I think I 420’d too hard

TITULAR.

pot reviews: happy 420

It wasn’t my intention to post these on 420, but that’s how it all worked out and I’m gonna go with it.

Before I begin, I’d like to stress that I did not just smoke a great deal of pot all at once. I’ve been collecting little snippets of strain reviews as they happen, but the Case of the Missing Post from April 2nd broke a LOT of things in my website and I’ve had to do some disturbing, possibly illegal things to get access to my high rambling. I am pretending it was worth it.

I started out reviewing specific strains of pot for my own amusement, but I’ve come to realize that the real magic isn’t in my sober edits but rather the actual, heat of the moment shit that goes through my brain. This content serves absolutely no purpose to anyone, but my own stupid stoned thoughts make me laugh so now you have to suffer through them too.

Okay, here.

  • A blend of Lilac OG and Oregon Golden Goat: This is a political statement high. Would be great if you are looking to fan a spark into a flame to overthrow a government or stage a musical.
  • Slap n’ Tickle: When I close my eyes, I’m inside the Price is Right’s set designer’s nightmares. It also made me a bit paranoid: Ed did an overly dramatic cat litter sneeze, and I started worrying he was dead. It made sense at the time.
  • Kush Mint Cake: Movie Montage high. I ended up in the kitchen wearing my music hat and dancing while chopping every vegetable to a good 90’s soundtrack (more Reality Bites/Pump Up the Volume/Singles, less TMNT: Secret of the Ooze). Later on, it turned me Minnesotan which was less fun.
  • Gas MAC: I AM at least half A WITCH. I discovered you can have symptoms of Reynaud Syndrome occur in weird ass-places, like one nipple. People would have been hard pressed to claim they were “colder than a witch’s tit”, because my tit was painfully cold. I ended up trying to thaw my boob out with a USB hand warmer, which just made things worse because then I was impossibly cold and burned at the same time. I don’t actually remember anything about the high, just the massive panic attack because my right boob was having a stroke and I didn’t know what to do.
  • Dutch Hawaiian/Lilac OG: I’m on the verge of understanding how people use weed to help them concentrate instead of just being all floaty woo all the time. I actually kinda like getting high and doing a chore instead of always having trippy 1970s drugsploitation acid dreams. Don’t get me wrong, they’re suuuuper fun, but it’s also nice to get high and tackle a boring or unpleasant job. I usually smoke after work to unwind, and I’ve been creating some crazy dinners because of it. It *might* just be that I really like cutting stuff with knives, but I think the weed had more than a little to do with it all.
  • Grateful Breath/Slap n’ Tickle: I am super paranoid. I’ve searched the entire house multiple times to make sure all four cats are present and accounted for, but by the time I find #4 I’m worried about #s 1-3 again. I’m on the verge of a Bad Time, but no time to freak out: I gotta slice a ham.
  • Dutch Crunch/Grateful Breath: I’m so high I’ve forgotten Rush.

.. there were more, but I seem to have lost them. Thanks, WordPress!

It’s almost 420. I’m gonna go chop some vegetables.

random ASBO thoughts

Over the weekend, a friend of mine shared that she drove around to a bunch of Free Little Libraries in Vancouver and topped them all up with donated books. I am 100% in love with this idea and thought maybe I could do the same thing out here in the sticks.

Then I remembered that I donated most of my books before we moved, because they were taking up a LOT of room and I had digital copies of everything. I did keep some books, though – maybe I could go through them and make a donation pile?

THEN I remembered that I am me, and the books I kept are not appropriate for free little libraries. Or children. Or people over 50. Or anyone.

.. then I started to think that it would actually be really funny (to me) to secretly donate like 6 copies of “Bear” to every FLL in the area and see how long it takes to make headlines about the bored pervert flooding neighbourhood libraries with weird CanCon smut.

It would be very, very funny to me to do this.

Can you be a bad influence on yourself?

forgotten title

I live on the balcony now.

Not just because the balcony is the best place in the house, but also because holy fuck I need to sleep.

Ed snores. Loudly. The situation is now reversed, as he used to complain nightly about my own snoring. I probably still do, but he can sleep through it because his own snoring is so thunderous. I tried to go to bed early so I fall asleep before he does, but we’re both night owls and it never works. He’ll purposefully stay up super late to give me time to fall asleep, but I also stay up and then it’s a million o’clock and suffering happens. He’s one of those annoying ass-humans who can fall asleep the second he’s in bed, but I toss and turn for ages before I drift off. And once he starts snoring, it’s game over: my misophonia kicks in and I cannot. fall. asleep. no matter what I do. Sometimes I’ll move to the couch. Other times I’ll just lay there and hope he quiets down for long enough for me to fall asleep. If I’m lucky, I’ll get around 4 hours of sleep before the alarms go off – and that’s a big fucking if, because the game has just gone up a level.

I’ve been fucking exhausted for most of this week because I’ve had to get up hell damn ass early for various appointments or meetings. Night before last, I actually made myself fall asleep “early” – before he came to bed, at any rate. Only problem: I wake up around 6am to pee, and then I can’t fall back to sleep because he’s snoring so loud. Friday morning sleep was so pointless that I was awake, showered, and at my desk working by 6:15, because what the hell else am I going to do? This morning, same thing. 6am, I have to pee, I’m still super tired, but oh now I can’t think because his nose sounds give me giant anxiety. I got up and made a Complicated Breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, dealt with the clean then dirty dishes, washed the bongs, did some laundry .. and it’s not yet 9am. On a Saturday. This sucks at least 17 balls.

It’s very nice outside, I guess.

So tired.

birb found a food

doom and gloom

It’s been a hell of a week.

After a luxuriously long weekend, I awoke on Tuesday ready to take on the world. First up: a call with my cardiologist! Okay, not what I was hoping for, but away we went. I have to go back in for an echocardigan, and next week I get to wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours. Turns out my heart is somewhat all fucky again, spiking randomly for no apparent reason and beating way, way too fast. That is .. not good. Thumbs up, heart. You have ONE FUCKING JOB.

The face crud I was left with after my ophthalmologist appointment 12 days ago is FINALLY starting to clear up. I had to resort to basically moisturizing with an antibacterial ointment for my skin to stop flaking and hurting, but I’m at a point now where I can go outside and not scare children or the elderly. It was a miserable not-quite-two-weeks. I’m looking forward to using normal moisturizer again.

On the vaccination front, I’m officially a Pfizer baby. I got my first dose on Wednesday night, and it took about 20 minutes total (with 15 of those minutes just sitting in a chair as they make sure you don’t keel over and die after you get poked). I spent the time talking about cats with a delightful volunteer who estimated my age to be around 24. I would basically die for her at this point. Just sayin’.

Overall, I feel .. okay. I’ve heard that the second and third days after your shot are the worst, and I’m definitely feeling kind of cruddy today (which, to be fair, could also be caused by my EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT and/or the fact that I haven’t really eaten today). No sign of any super powers emerging, which is disheartening, but I’m more concerned at how incredibly slow the Canadian rollout is. I’m glad my US friends have their shots, but most of them seem to already have their next round scheduled for sometime within the next month (and some have already had both doses), when Canada is barely at the 65+ age group. I’ve been saying for months that the US is going to close the border to Canadians before we get around to opening it back up again, and with the CDC’s travel advisory against going to Canada in place, it’s just a matter of time. It’s frustrating. Every day the people in charge of getting BC sorted make baffling, insulting decisions: open the churches! open restaurants! oh wait we’re up to 1250+ new cases a day? okay, close the restaurants! except if you sit outside, then that’s fine. And also outside still counts if you put a tent around it. And people between the ages of 20-35 are to blame for everything, and also aren’t eligible for vaccines yet even if they’re a frontline retail worker. Don’t worry! We got this, everyone just needs to dig deeper! And if we don’t, our leadership will shake their heads and be very disappointed, but what else do we want them to do?

Basically, we’re fucked. It’s hard to keep optimistic about this. I want Ed vaccinated, I want my friends vaccinated, I want my entire fucking country vaccinated. I want my life back. I want YOUR life back. My rage has never been this impotent and I didn’t get that flavour a Pfizer shot so I’m just stewing helplessly.

This is a much less fine Friday than last week. It’s grey and gloomy outside, and my mood is no better. This is not the exciting future we had envisioned, and no amount of fairy lights will make things better any time soon. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to try, but my heart really isn’t in it (because it can’t keep a fucking beat, apparently).

a pretty place from which to watch canada crumble