the feels

For all my rah-rah gung-ho yay-team posturing, I am afraid of change. Positive changes can be scary, but I’m usually all for them – it’s the negative changes that bring way, way down and into a whirlpool of fear that no Maytag repairman can haul me out of.

Things are a-foot at work, and I am simultaneously bummed out and terrified to the point where I didn’t get any sleep last night (it was also hot as balls, but for the most part I couldn’t turn my brain off and no amount of dong-counting could override the dreaded WHAT IF). I don’t want to get into specifics – I have faith that the Big Situation will be resolved shortly – but it’s the fallout of the Big Situation that is marbling up my ass: people are leaving the company.

I’m always sad when good people leave, but of the three people (that I know of) who won’t be around at the end of July, I’m particularly upset about one of them – he’s the lead of the recently-formed team I’m on, and I was really excited to work with him.

I know there are bigger issues here, but at the moment I’m wallowing in some self-pity – as much as I love being a tech writer, my new role is the stuff dreams are made of. I’d still get to write all the words, but I’d also get to CREATE and share ideas and have input and DO MORE, and it was everything I didn’t know I wanted but now can’t live without. I don’t want to go back to being a silent, non-essential member of the team. I want to DO STUFF, and I want to do it with the team that had been hand-picked for the STUFF we’d get to do.

All of the above may still happen – things are kind of up in the air at the moment – but I was really, really excited about my new team and specifically, working with the team lead. It’s just not going to be the same when he leaves, and that sucks. I am Seriously Bummed Out, and worried about the future. Both of these are uncomfortable feels, but having both at the same time is really fucking shitty. Uncertainty, you are not my friend.

I don’t want to think about having to look for work again – to say that I’d be devastated would be kind of an understatement – but on top of that unwelcome ulcer, there’s the sinking feeling that I’d never find another job as fun as this one has been and that would give me the chance to do the MORE I didn’t know I wanted so badly until it was enticingly dangled in front of my face.

I have all of the sad. I do not like it.

i liked it better when they fit.