Hey BC Lottery Corp, why don’t you rape and pillage my childhood a little more:
I hate you SO HARD. This is me being denied my allowance even after I cleaned the house from top to bottom all over again.
If I believed in hell, I would be going there: this article is bad and the man is terrible and it’s good he got caught and blah blah blah safety cakes – but damn if I didn’t laugh really, really hard. Let’s try and work out his thought process:
“Hey, I like doing terrible things to kids”
“Maybe I should just get my own kid”
“I can’t give birth to one, since I am a man and incapable of relationships with women”
“I know, I’ll BUY one!”
“Wait, the government is after me? I better flee!”
“I should change my name, too – they’ve sent out an international APB for ‘Patrick Lamontagne’”
“I KNOW! I’ll change my name to ‘Patrick MOLESTI’! Heh heh, they’ll never catch on!”
“I am so smart. Now, where them child-selling bitches at?”
Today is my Friday, and I couldn’t be happier. I took Thursday off in a fit of defiance – my boss asked me to update that flow chart one time too many – so I have a lovely 4-day weekend ahead of me. I plan to make some Smuttons in preparation for next Friday’s DIY night, bake some cookies, and catch Pokemans.
Oh, and also worry myself sick. I was feeling foolishly brave earlier this month, and on a lark I decided to fill out a speaker submission for Northern Voice. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize I was totally kidding and they accepted my submission. Now I’ll be giving a 30-minute presentation on how I’m terrified of everything, in front of a room full of people I am afraid of. Yeah, this was an excellent idea on my part. I may have to do the speech in a corset – the only time I’m not afraid of everything is when I look like a 2-bit tramp from the late 1800s. What have I gotten myself in to?
I’ll share more details when my summary has been submitted and posted (and when I don’t chicken out of the entire thing), but for right now it’s all I can do to not run screaming into the streets in a blind panic.