Last week I received a bag of toothbrushes in the mail.

I was actually expecting some random cables I ordered off eBay, so imagine my confusion when the package revealed itself to be a big ol’ bag of toothbrushes. Who sent me toothbrushes, and why? I’ve received some strange things in the mail before, but never anything meant to clean and whiten my teeth. How strange.

Always interested in the pursuit of avoiding routers, I inspected the contents of the package. My confusion quickly turned to delight (and admittedly, more confusion) when I read the box: in my hands was an Oral-B Triumph 9900 with Wireless Smart Guide. Neat!

Wait, wireless?

Isn’t a toothbrush wireless by nature?

Not wanting to have to explain why I was setting up a toothbrush at work instead of saving the world via flow charts, I set the box aside to open when I got home.

I was pretty excited, actually. I’ve never used a fancy rechargeable toothbrush before; I was strictly old school when it came to pearling my whites. I had recently upgraded to a cheap Colgate vibrating brush, but that was as close as I’d gotten to the world of high-powered tooth cleaning. This was to be a new experience for me, which automatically made for fun.

When I got home, I tore the package open. Inside the box were an awful lot of things. I was eager to find out what exactly made the toothbrush wireless, and was baffled to realize that they weren’t kidding – there’s a friggin’ wireless console! Also in the box were the toothbrush, a charger with fancy protective base for your brush collection, two brushes (one for cleaning, one for polishing), a travel coffin, and the HUD. Feeling much like a dental Gordon Freeman, I suited up my HEV and quickly got to charging the unit so I could try it out.

If not for my unfortunate habit of chewing on my iPhone, the Oral-B Triumph (with smart guide!) is the most advanced piece of technology I have ever put in my mouth. In addition to the toothbrush, it comes with a remote display unit that acts as a clock, a timer, a pressure sensor, a charge indicator, and a friendly encourager for dental health. This thing is pretty neat. It tells me when I’m brushing too hard (which is quite often; I am of the ham-handed brushing variety), which mouthal quadrant I should be focusing on, when it’s time to switch to another quadrant (by way of a blinking indicator and a vibro-warning), and best of all: a cheerful smiley face when you’ve brushed for the appropriate amount of time. Hooray! I am totally inspired to keep brushing, if only for the approval of the HUD!

It does a fine job of tooth cleaning, in addition to being not at all out of place in my increasingly robo-centric house. After brushing with the Triumph, my teeth feel smooth and shiny and I am minty and pleasant to all senses. I am not used to having that much power in my mouth, but the pressure sensor is doing a good job of making sure I don’t tear my gums up with the craziness this thing produces. It is prety damn cool. As far as toothbrushes go, this one is awesome.

As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, not everything is all about me. How does this fancy toothbrush affect you? Well, in addition to making me that much more pleasant to be around what with my minty freshness and brilliant white smile, I am giving away an Oral-B Vitality ProWhite rechargeable toothbrush. I actually received two different brushes in my mystery package, and while I kept the super fancy one for myself (as is my right as a newly minted sellout), I am giving the other one away. Ed already has a fancy Oral-B fancy toothbrush, courtesy of his dazzling and bizarre wife – so we don’t need another. Maybe you do, though. I’m not making any judgments on your oral health; I just thought it would be nice to share.

If you would like to receive your very own Oral-B Vitality ProWhite unit (with bonus random silly things), take a picture of yourself with your toothbrush and post the URL in the comments below. Action shots are encouraged, as is morning bedhead. On Friday I will choose my favourite picture, and I will send you a fancy new toothbrush.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to be highly entertained by my wireless toothbrush now.