I sometimes feel left out of things because I don’t drink coffee or alcohol. I’d probably make an excellent Mormon, if not for the whole “religion” thing (and my history of gratuitous swearing, near-constant blasphemy, inability to keep my clothes on, refusal to keep my whore mouth shut, etc).

I was tired of being on the sidelines, so this morning I got breakfast at Tim Hortons and rolled up my very first rim. I won a donut for my troubles. I didn’t particularly enjoy the drink; my hot chocolate was awesome for the first 5 sips, then pure sugary death to the end of the cup. Getting to Tim Hortons is somewhat of a hassle for me, and I don’t know that carrying around a crusty sticky cup to redeem for an $.80 donut is really worth my time, especially given that my last 4 or so donut fixes have been free thanks to a $10 gift card I got somewhere. I am somewhat satisfied, though. I am no longer a rimming virgin!

Wait, that’s not right at *all*.

Yesterday’s Olympic Volunteer Orientation was both interesting and a little insufferable. As people arrived, we were crossed off a master list and sent inside for the security check. RCMP volunteers were there, looking over everyone’s paperwork and checking their identification. They checked everything very carefully, especially the signatures and pictures. George (my very own personal RCMP officer) looked at the picture on my passport and at me, and said “Oh that’s definitely you” to which I am slightly offended, given the size of my head in my passport photo. I passed the security check with flying colours, but my name tripped them up a little because I spelled it “Kimli” on my application but all my ID says otherwise. I promised George that I had no deep dark secrets to hide with my funny spelling, and he let me move on to the next stage: the waiting.

We all sat on some folding chairs with two TV screens playing inspirational videos. It would be a recurring theme of the afternoon – I think by the time it was all said and done, we had seen 4 different inspirational videos full of slow motion celebrations, time-lapse photography and sweeping panoramic shots, all designed to pump us up for the tasks ahead. I personally didn’t get excited until video #2, where shots of people snowboarding were interspersed with action from SSX Tricky, which made me giggle out loud. Video number 3 threw me a little, because it was designed to make us feel excellent about Vancouver – it was very pretty, but 98% of the video featured the city in the summer. It’s awesome and all, but we’re talking about Winter Olympics here – the best we can hope for is varying degrees of soggy wetness.

The Welcoming session consisted of a bunch of introductions and a group exercise. We were given a torch from the Torino games and asked to stand up and introduce ourselves. Official looking people took notes at everything we said, and carefully noted our reactions when we were asked to play the group game. I took charge of my group – I was the only one who had a pen and a notebook handy – and we were then moved onto the individual interviews.

We had all been pre-sorted into the Transportation Volunteer group, meaning we were there to be interviewed for a role in moving people or equipment. The 1v1 interviews were pretty basic – we were asked the same questions we had answered online, with a little more information about the transportation aspect – and then we had a short break before the Orientation session started. I spoke too fast for my interviewer; she had to write all my answers out by hand and I like to use big words very quickly.

The Orientation lasted for 2 hours, and it was the hardest part of the day. The person leading the session was a volunteer who worked as an HR manager for what I am assuming is a company full of 4-year-olds – there was a great deal of talking down and rounds of applause for ourselves and boy aren’t we just super and keen. I was growing extremely antsy during the session – the fact that I had to pee like a warrior didn’t help – and was glad when it was video-watching time, because that meant Mr. Rogers didn’t have to talk down to us for a few minutes. Eventually he let us go, and I bolted for the safety of my car and adult conversation.

All snark aside, the inspirational videos were pretty inspirational. We won’t find out if we passed the interviews for at least a couple of months, but it was an interesting look at what might be to come. I don’t think they’ll make me drive people around, and I did ask if I could do something that actual fit into what I do for reals (training and documentation) so .. we’ll see. I got a pin out of it, and a big binder with a sticker and a CD full of information – and since no one asked me to sell any hot dogs, I will wait and see if I am asked back and will decide my fate at that time.

i yam who i say i yam