the worst update ever written

This is way too much information for one person to ever share, so I am going to hide the content below the cut. That’ll work, right? It’ll save me some face and you from finding out the horrible things that are currently brewing within me?

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


This has been the worst weekend I think I’ve ever had. Nothing has gone right. My sinus cold is so much worse that I don’t know what to do with myself, and disgusting things are coming out of my body horrifying myself and others. It is bad.

I woke up on Saturday morning fully intending to have an excellent day of scooter riding. I had picked Ed up from the airport last night, and we were going to make a day of fun. While he was getting ready, I decided to go to the post office because I had a sneaking suspicion that there were parcels waiting for me that I had NOT received notices for (which is an epic bitch for another post). I headed out, and sure enough – there were two boxes waiting; one full of books and the other full of dildos.

I scooted home to open my packages, only to realize that I was missing a book. My shipment had been sent in two packages, and they only gave me one. Awesome.  That wasn’t the worst part, though – on my way to the post office, it dawned on me just how awful I actually felt, and it was worrisome. I’ve been sick since March fucking 18th – wasn’t I done with this cold yet?

I confessed my worries to Ed, who took me to the doctor. My little sinus cold has officially turned into a sinus infection, and she sent me packing with some nasal spray, a prescription for antibiotics, and a recommendation to clean out my sinuses with a saline solution before doing anything else. We filled the prescription, got my missing book from the post office, and headed home.

It was at this time that I realized I had forgotten to pick up a nose thingie. Luckily, Josh and Shan had one I could borrow so they showed me how to do it and gave me some saline solution packets to use. Hooray! Soon I would be able to breathe!

I did everything perfectly, even waiting for a moment when I wasn’t 100% blocked by nasal cement. And .. it didn’t work. I could feel my sinuses filling with water, and it was freaking me out – nothing was draining. Where was my relief? Where was the flood of horrible disgusting things that would make me feel better almost instantaneously? I tried multiple times, but nothing was happening so I gave up on the plan. What the hell was wrong with me?

Ed made plans to go for a bike ride with friends, since there was no reason HE should be trapped inside on a gorgeous day. As he put on his manly mountain biking outfit, I inspected my shipment of dildos and decided it would be completely awesome to have sex, right now. Ed had been gone for a week, and it was time for some sex. Hooray for sex! Let’s DO IT!

So, we started to do it. I don’t need to be able to breathe to have sex and he can just close his eyes and pretend I’m NOT mouth-breathing out of necessity, so there was some fucking and it was good.

Until Ed opened his eyes.

“Um, you’re bleeding. A lot.” He pulled out and we sort of stared as his dick, dumbfounded. Yes, women do bleed from time to time – except I haven’t had a period since I had the Weapon of Sperm Destruction installed in the Delicious Juice Dot Uterus, back in fucking *September*. Why now? This wasn’t fair. It effectively killed the mood, and we were off to the bathroom to clean up the crime scene. It looked as though someone had been stabbed with a knife instead of a hard cock, and it was kind of gross – not because there’s anything wrong with blood, but because it was so damn unexpected.

Ed cleaned himself up and went out for his bike ride while I  contemplated opening my face up with a fork to clear out my sinuses.

Things quickly got worse for me in the nasal area. Where before there had been a mild amount of breathing room, now there was nothing – I was cemented with misery and could not breathe. This continued through the night, foiling all my best efforts. A shower helped a little, for about 10 minutes. Sticking my head over a pot of boiling water did nothing. Blowing my nose didn’t help and was extremely alarming – whereas my nasal discharge had previously been clear and cheerful, now it was thick and yellow and disgusting. I had a panic attack, because I *like* breathing. Everything sucked.

I eventually passed out again, and awoke at 5am with the worst headache ever. I started whimpering in between coughs that would make my head explode and my insides throw up a little. Ed brought me some water which I drank and then used to clean the dried blood from my lips – being unable to breathe from my nose has made me mouth-breathe like a champion goon, and it dried out my mouth leaving an awesome sticky white film and made my lips crack and bleed. How Ed kept himself from jumping me then and there, I will never know – he is a master of restraint. I fell asleep again and into some pretty fucked up dreams before awaking for good at 12:45.

I am determined to go outside today, even if I look like death. I can’t breathe still, I’m full of a nasty yellow mucus that won’t go away, and I want sex. I’ve had worse weekends, but not by a lot. These antibiotics better do the trick, or I just plain quit.

I am gross.

7 thoughts on “the worst update ever written

  1. Oh, argh! And then, just, ooo! (*sucking air through teeth noise*)

    I’ve always been fascinated by those nasal thingies – neti pots? And I was gearing up to try one, when I delved a little and discovered it was possible to just move all the gunk from your sinuses INTO YOUR EAR CANALS if you use them wrong. And I knew, that would be me, so thus ended the fascination, verily.

  2. I mouth breathe. Always have. I have really small, boney nasal passage-ways. I am not a goon. :( Not everyone is fancy with yer high-falootin’ nose breathing, ya know. :P

    Sucks about the sinus infection though. I battled that (plus a chest infection) in January. It blows hard. But patience, as they say, is a virtue. :)

  3. I was totally on board with the neti pot thing; I have done yoga my whole life, it doesn’t seem *that* alien, people claim it solves horrible allergy problems instantly and that clean sinuses are addictive. But I wanted a doctor to teach me, so I asked my doctor to run me through the procedure. I figured, that way I don’t drown on the bathroom floor, right? He can save me. He told me he did it once and gave himself a blockage that has lasted for years. He told me, just take a saline nasal spray, go into a hot shower, and “start spraying for dollars.” He does not recommend the neti — and so now, I am doubly and triply (thanks to your story) convinced I should not try it on my own.

    Scary.

  4. Pingback: mmix in review « delicious juice dot com

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