Holy shit, I gone done broke my vagina.
I was planning on telling Miranda all about my broken girl parts, but she had to run out for lunch so I’m telling the internet instead. You want to know, right? Sure you do. Isn’t that why you come here? For the detailed analysis of my lady parts?
Just in case, here’s a cut.
Okay. I BROKE MY VAGINA! HELP!
This morning when I woke up, I had to pee like a champion. This is nothing new; 99% of the population has to pee first thing in the morning. There are funny names for it, like “piss boners”. I had several macros related to piss boners back in the day. I find them amusing.
Okay, so I had the girl equivalent of a piss boner. This time, though, as I peed, I coughed. Hard. And whatever dislodged in my chest ALSO did some damage to my pee tube, because there was sudden sharp and large pain from my DOWN THERE. It felt like a tear. Can you tear your urethra by peeing really hard? OH GOD.
Peeing post-cough hurt really bad, akin to peeing with a broken cyst (a sensation I am all too familiar with). I was annoyed but the pain went away the instant I stopped peeing, so I figured all was good and went about my morning business. I thought no more about the horrible things going on in my [random Dixieland music].
When I got to work, I drank a large bottle of water and an equally large Diet Coke. Naturally, I then had to pee.
HOLY GOD WHY AM I BEING STABBED WITH RED HOT POKERS OF WRITHING TORMENT?????
It HURT. It hurt a LOT. I actually grasped at the metal stall walls in agonized clutchings. Also, there was blood. I am worried and convinced that I have done irreparable damage to my hoo-ha with nothing more than a particularly nasty cough.
I shouldn’t still be bleeding, either. When I HAD a period, it would normally last about 3 days and would be very mild – the pico de gallo of menstruation – not this stupid Red Sea shit I have going on right now. I need me a Moses.
After the pain subsided, I went back to my desk and immediately launched a full inquest into why my lady garden hurts so much. WebMD has helped me narrow it down to either bladder cancer or hemophilia, neither of which make me feel good at all. I don’t NEED this. Why am I so broken? Can I just put a band aid on my vagina and call it good? I have fun band aids. They have unicorns and rainbows on them.
If later adventures in pee cause me just as much pain, I’m off to see the wizard doctor. This is freaking me out a little. What if my WMD went off and is floating around in there like space junk? None of this is very good at all!
I had to edit to include this: I really do think I managed to tear my urethra, and I’m doing some research on it now. I found an article that is pretty much useless to me, because it says “the majority of urethral injuries occur in men” and goes on to cover nothing except penises – except I ran across this sentence:
Holy shit, what kind of universe does the author of this article live in that they have to specifically state that urethral injuries are sometimes caused by gunshot wounds??!
.. did I get shot in the vagina? That might explain everything!
No, no. I don’t keep the gun in the toilet. There is no way I could have been capped in the cooter.
We’ll put that one in the “maybe” pile.