Part of my job at The Lab is to ease new people into our environment and give them some knowledge so it looks like they know what they’re doing. I get all fresh meat for a couple of hours on their first or second day, we go over company policies and internal systems, and I send them on their merry way. It’s a good system.
Early last year – not long after I had started working here myself – a new guy joined one of our teams. We made plans for me to do my training thing the following morning, and I left him to the devices of other people for the day.
The next day rolls around, and it’s a wet one. I rode my scooter to work, and was rewarded with a torrential downpour – my pants were soaked right through, and I was late getting into the office. I ran to my desk then to the new guy, explaining that I was having a pants emergency and needed 15 minutes to wring myself out and then we could get started. He said fine, I tried to dry myself off as best I could, and we started the meeting.
We adjourned for lunch at 12, and started the meeting up again at 1. However, the new guy was nowhere to be seen. I told the others to hang on while I went hunting for the new guy, but when I was unable to find him, we continued without him. Whatever; I was sure there was a good explanation for his absence and we could just catch up later.
There was a good explanation, alright – the new guy quit. He walked into HR, told them he was quitting, and left after less than 36 hours on the job.
Why did he quit so suddenly?
MY PANTS WERE WET.
I am dead serious. He quit the company because my pants were wet. Specifically, he told HR that it was “the most unprofessional and ridiculous environment he had ever been in”, that I was “sloppy and inappropriate”, the rest of the team were “rude and incompetent”, and he had never been subjected to such an insult as being asked to delay a meeting because someone had wet pants.
Me and my inappropriately sloppy wet pants are unprofessional, ridiculous, and fucking hilarious.
He quit because my pants were wet!
This guy wasn’t some 60 year old from the Mad Men era; he was a fat slouchy neck beard who had mouth-breathing issues and an enormous chip on his shoulder. His team manager and I were pulled into HR to talk about the issue, and luckily she was just as incredulous as we were – we weren’t in trouble (although she did ask me to refrain from telling new people about my pants); it was just a formality because he lodged a complaint. WET PANTS! QUIT YOUR JOB AND RUN AWAY!
It later came to pass that another coworker in a different department knew this guy – he had worked at a company that this chap had just been fired from. He was fired because he took issue with something the team manager did, and reacted by throwing his headset down, sweeping everything off his desk and launching himself at the manager, swearing and yelling. Police were called. He went nuts and had to be escorted off the premises. None of this was known when he interviewed, and HR really wished she HAD known – it was actually noted that no one was really sure about this guy because he was “a little weird”, but we were desperate for new staff so they took a chance they would later regret.
It’s now become a running joke – when a new hire shows up for work on his or her third day, I congratulate them for making it further than this guy.
It’s been a while, but he’s resurfaced. He actually works for a client of ours, and had to call us for something. He’s been coming down to our office and demanding to speak to managers, throwing his (considerable but nonexistent) weight around, and barking orders left and right. He’s threatening to take his business elsewhere – except “his business” is the company he works for, and the company he works for is a tiny one-office non-for-profit CO-OP. He’s in absolutely no position to be making the demands he’s making, and I’ve personally volunteered to kick him in the nuts the next time he shows up at our offices trying to bitch us out and get the home numbers of managers because he thinks he deserves the same level of service given to our largest customer (who, for the record, don’t get our home numbers either). The fucker tried to get me in trouble, and for him to show up again with that kind of attitude means that it’s on. I’m small but mean. Try me.