They changed my bra.

While this doesn’t mean anything to most of my male readers (I still have hope that there’s a drag queen or two out there), I’m fairly certain most of the women will understand my pain.

In all the bras in all the world, I’ve managed to find exactly one style that does the job properly: lift, separate, display. I own somewhere in the neighbourhood of 20 of these bras in various colours, because you never know when you will need support in royal purple with rhinestone flowers. I stock up almost religiously during sales. I’ve encroached upon Ed’s drawer space, storing my backup supply (you can never, ever have too many perfect black bras). I ignore the outrageous shipping costs associated with my breasts (my bras are only sold in the US), justifying the expense with a perky and inappropriate bosom. We have a good relationship, these bras and I.

Of course, few things are ever *truly* perfect. I had to make some concessions – I wish the underwire was stronger, for one. And I wish the truly fancy ones didn’t have a 4-hook strap because they’re uncomfortable and huge and I can’t wear them. Then there’s the issue with padding – you’ll never catch me with my headlights on, because my default bra comes padded.

I’ve never understood this. Sure, pad the bras of the smaller cup sizes. I get it. But if you’re buying a bra larger than a C cup, chances are that you don’t NEED the extra padding. My boobs are, quite frankly, huge. Add a padded cup, and I’m inadvertently nearing the range of indecent exposure.

For the longest time, my bras came with a little air pocket insert in addition to the padding, to give you some extra “oomph”. I need additional oomph like I need another laptop or cat, but these air pockets were removable so I didn’t really mind. I’ve even used them on occasion, because sometimes I just want to be a spectacle. It’s rare, but I appreciate the option of it all.

I just received my latest shipment of bras. I had some fun with colours this time – pink and white flowers, purple and black lace, bright coral, some sort of boobie Rorschach test – in addition to the utility bras; one black and one beige. I opened all the packages with glee, making sure everything was in order. The black one was on the bottom of the pile, and even through the plastic bag I could see that something was wrong.

The removable air pockets are no longer removable.

I frantically checked the rest of the bras – they were all fine. My order was placed during a clearance sale, so the festive bras are old stock. The black bra, however, is from the shiny new section of “updated” classics. They’ve changed my bra. I can’t remove the oomph. THE OOMPH IS FOR ALWAYS.

This is not a good thing. I don’t NEED more cleavage. Have you MET me?

I’ve earmarked the bra to be worn only when I want to frighten people.

If this is a permanent style change, I am going to be very busty and very cranky.

look at these stupid things