melon baller not included

“It’s like fucking a cantaloupe!”

flesh! light!

flesh! light!

It is surprisingly large. There is no way anyone would ever mistake this for an actual flashlight.

oh yeah thats hot

oh yeah thats hot

It has a lid, like Tupperware. This is good – I would hate to have random dicks falling into my Fleshlight. I saw how covetous some of you got when I mentioned it.

like looking in the mirror

like looking in the mirror

This is the “Ice” model, in “Lady”. The inside pattern is “Vortex”.

yep, thats pretty accurate

yep, that's pretty accurate

This is what it looks like from the other side. Both ends are screw tops; the bottom one controls suction level.

floppy!

floppy!

This answers my most pressing Fleshlight question: How do you CLEAN the damn thing? Well, it comes out of the plastic casing. Convenient!

i wish MINE came out for easy cleaning

i wish MINE came out for easy cleaning

It’s very, very soft and squishy. It actually feels kind of neat – I can see why one might want to stick their dick into it, lady shaped or no.

flesh! lube!

flesh! lube!

The Fleshlight came with Fleshlube, also in Ice. It creates a “cooling sensation”, which is advertising speak for “slather this menthol solution all over your privates and feel the burn”.

rock hard weekend: for long weekends only (get it?)

rock hard weekend: for long weekends only (get it?)

Just in case you weren’t sure on the general use of the Fleshlight, a sample of Rock Hard Weekend is included. It’s an herbal Viagra and promises to give you a 72-hour boner that you can use with alcohol. I usually just stir with a straw or swizzle stick, but what do I know.

fatties: plz take 2

fatties: plz take 2

I found this very interesting and also hilarious: if you’re over 250 pounds, they suggest you take two pills to increase sexual performance and pleasure. I don’t know why they bother mentioning that – how many 250lb+ men do you really think are ordering masturbation aids shaped like women’s genitals over the internet?

..

Oh.

As you were, then.

of course i own the hello kitty vibrator

of course i own the hello kitty vibrator

I think I may have crossed a line, but it’s all in the name of SCIENCE!

It wins, though. I approve, and so does my test subject. And for those of you with fruit fetishes – finally! Something that FEELS like fucking a cantaloupe, but is much more expensive instead!

13 thoughts on “melon baller not included

  1. Definitely it is a pleasure to take the time to read a post like this. I’ll be saving it on my favs so I can check it later again. when do you think you would write again about it?

  2. Who the hell would want to wash this thing out, and is it dishwasher safe? Or is that too gross, as hot water does funny things to semen. Or maybe, as my friend Brad says, just “pull out, way, way in advance”.

    Truthfully, I am at a bit of a loss for words.

    • I don’t think it’s dishwasher safe – they advise against using soap on it. We used a cleaner specifically designed for silicone toys and a great deal of water; seems pretty clean to me.

      Then again, I’m not the one sticking my dick into it. :)

  3. I thought silicone toys were best just boiled in water to sanitize them, but who would want to boil a bag full of jizz?

    Okay, okay, fans of boilingjizz.com are probably down, but normal people? I looked up some “educational videos” of that bad dog, and it looks pretty huge! Did it come with a stand for hands free operation, or do you just put it on a stack of books? And what about the ‘step children’??

    Frankly Kimli, I’m impressed.

  4. No, no, no.. all you need are a few Mentos, some ginger ale, and a mop. From the excellent photos, one can see that the inner works are hollow.

    Use, remove, and stand it upright, woman bits side down, holding down tightly.
    Unscrew “vacuum adjustment cap”, pour in some ginger ale, about 2/3 full.

    Push in two Mentos until under the level of the ginger ale, and hold them in for 2 seconds.

    Quickly pull out finger. Takes photos of ceiling, wall, and floor. Mop . Easy. If you have a dog, no need to mop the floor. Posts your photos here!

  5. Your boobs are why I came here in the first place; the informative articles on the fleshlight are what keeps me coming back. Or wait. Maybe it’s the other way around.

    Also, the Hilarious Spam comment was indeed freaking hilarious.

  6. OK the really, really scary thing here is that’s the only vagina I’ve ever wanted to stuff my junk into. They DO make one in ‘Anus’, do they not?

  7. OK the really, really scary thing here is that’s the only vagina I’ve ever wanted to stuff my junk into. They DO make one in ‘Anus’, do they not?

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