You’ve been a victim of Crime, and during the cleanup, someone finds a mysterious tiny plastic baggie filled with white powder. Do you:
- Leave it alone and call the police
- Pick it up and shake it
- Smell it
- Lick it
- Realize that licking it would be pretty silly, but be really really tempted because how the hell else are you supposed to know what it is
- Poke your finger into the bag and push the powder around, realizing a little too late that your hands are covered in cuts from the glass you just cleaned up
- Immediately assume you’ve been dosed, not quite realizing that you wouldn’t know dosed one way or another because you are as street as a newborn lamb
.. guess how many of the above I did?
As a fine how do you do, Ed and I started our morning with a hearty dose of Crime: someone smashed the Mazdabator’s front passenger window and made off with several broken pieces of equipment. There was nothing of value in there except for perhaps my (barely working) iPhone charger/FM transmitter, but the thief went through the whole car looking for valuables. Finding nothing, they opted to make one holy hell of a mess that Ed and I had to clean up before we could go to work this morning, making my attempt at being ON TIME for the 8:30 meeting a noble yet meaningless gesture.
All things considered, this could be a lot worse. Our car had been broken into twice in our “secure” underground parking in East Van, and even though we’re in the Ghetto of North Vancouver with the evil specter of Aquaman hanging over our heads, this is the first case of Smashy Smashy we’ve had. Other cars have been hit all around us, but we were relatively unscathed – until last night. I think it’s probably just a coincidence that they hit us literally 4 hours after we got home from vacation – in fact, the excess violence of the Smashy Smashy was probably due to our fucking up Aquaman’s schedule. I imagine it looked something like this:
As you can see, he had scheduled Monday to break into our car but we were not home and that fucked up the entire week. Really, it’s our fault for being so inconsiderate. We really ought to take Aquaman’s busy schedule into mind before we go gallivanting off to exotic lands. We deserved the Smashy Smashy, and are lucky it wasn’t worse.
All brevity aside, this has been the worst fake Monday ever. There was mystery jizz in my hair, the car window was smashed, I’m probably addicted to smack now and as a result I’ll never be able to go into politics. Also, my pants are wet (don’t tell my coworkers) because I spent 45 minutes in the rain cleaning up broken glass (but my hair is delightfully curly) and my feet are cold. Still, there’s no sense in bitching about it – and maybe this extra shot of Crime is what it takes to get Operation: Help Us Out to the next level.
Poor Mazdabator, though!
Our car wasn’t the only one hit – Josh and Shan’s Delica had also been broken into, but for some reason their door was either unlocked or easily jimmied open so their windows were spared. The stereo was stolen and possibly some tools, and the aforementioned baggie of mystery powder left behind. We honestly have no idea what it is – I’ve never even seen coke let alone be able to ID it at a glance – and yeah, I probably shouldn’t have stuck my fingers in there. I was really looking forward to that life in politics, too. The more I try to be good, the more scandals I find myself in – what’s next, an accidental homosexual encounter in a rest stop bathroom? AWESOME.
Seriously, that’d be awesome. Any takers?