I had a Wardrobe Malfunction this morning, but of the worst possible kind – one that had me stuck IN my clothing, and completely covered up. The zipper tab on my favourite hoodie is missing, and while I was able to do the zipper all the way up to protect my taters on the scooter ride in, I wasn’t able to undo it when I had arrived. The horror! A shred of decency, on my person! Terrible. It took 20 minutes and a pair of scissors, but I was finally able to free my chest from the shackles of oppression and dignity. I will never do this hoodie up again.
I often joke about being naked, but when I’m in the safety of my own home, I’m not kidding– the clothes come off within 5 minutes of my arrival, no matter what time of year it is. I just don’t like wearing clothes at home. I prefer being pantless, regardless of how fabulous those pants might be.
My constant nudity leads to a lot of awkward situations: scrambling for clothing when someone knocks at the door, having to hide when the pizza is delivered, friends warning me before dropping by. Problematic, too, are the windows – we have large windows that look out over our street, and the blinds are always open. Ed warns me when I stop to stretch in front of them, oblivious to the threat of prying eyes – but do I cover up or run away in shame? Of course not. I’m naked and comfortable, and why are they looking in our windows anyway? Jerks.
That’s why I’m secretly afraid that something like this is going to happen:
Man Charged After Making Coffee Naked
SPRINGFIELD, Va. – A Springfield, Virginia man is facing an indecent exposure charge after a passerby spotted the man naked in his kitchen and reported it to police.
This story is fantastically stupid, and I am fairly certain it wouldn’t happen in Canada (or any country except the US – seriously, why are you guys so uptight) – but that doesn’t mean I am not waiting for that knock at the door from the police, telling me someone has complained about my inappropriate nudity and that I’ve corrupted the minds and appetites of many. They’ll haul me off to jail, not giving me time to put on clothing. It’ll make the front page news – my wobbly naked bits flailing about for all the world to see – and before I know it, my burgeoning political empire will crumble into ruins; all because I like a gentle breeze on my naked cooter.
Life is hard.
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Sorry to say: it’s illegal in Vancouver, too. If someone complains, there very well could be a loud knock on your door. Sad but true.
Okay, change of plans: how long will it take for me to be charged with indecent exposure?! What an adventure that would be!
I have a friend who got charged with indecent exposure by the postwoman when she saw him through his window.
It can happen to you!
what horse-puckey. of all the things to get written up for.
I know there’s a “that’s what she said” joke in there somewhere, I just can’t find it.
No! Not the shackles of dignity!
I feel like traveling to North Van and standing outside your building indefinitely. Sounds like a good show.
You have my sympathy. It used to be that anyone looking in through the windows of a private property and seeing more of the occupant than they might at the local supermarket, was branded a peeping Tom and prosecuted for that. Whilst I wouldn’t agree with that unless they had gone out of their way to peep in, it does show how attitudes have changed.
Modern humans (homo sapiens) have occupied this planet for about 200,000 years, but have only worn clothes for the last 71,000 years (according to the DNA of the body, or clothes, louse). Now, it seems, the wearing of clothes is becoming an obligation enforceable by law! Where did we go so wrong?
I am fortunate in living in the UK where nudity is legal, provided it is not being done to deliberately shock or offend. A similar situation exists in most of Europe and in many European countries nudity is common on beaches and in parks. Has civilisation come to an end in Europe? No. In fact the less prudish a nation is, the lower are its rates of teenage pregnancy, abortions and STI’s. I don’t have the figures for Canada to hand, but North America is about ten times worse than the best in Europe for these problems.
Yes we do need laws to deter those who cause alarm and distress by setting out to offend others, whether that be with nudity or any other means. A person naked in their own home is clearly not in that category.
1) that sucks that we’re not allowed to be neked in our own homes, clearly that’s silly.
2) Nice theory Brian Taylor, but according to the stats I’ve read, the UK is worse than Canada for Teen birth rates and abortions (don’t know about STIs)…. don’t lump us in with the Americans, we’re really quite different.
STATS
The U.K. has one of the highest teenage birth rate in Europe with a rate of 26.4 teenage births per 1,000 women aged 15–19 in 2006. The U.K. also has a higher rate of abortion than most European countries.
The Canadian teenage birth rate in 2002 was 16 per 1000.
The teenage birth rate in United States was 53 births per 1,000 women aged 15–19 in 2002, the highest in the developed world.
Thanks LisaB, I wasn’t “Lumping Canadians in with the Americans” which is why I pointed out that I didn’t have the figures for Canada to hand. My sympathy was because the article expressed concern that the American stupidity of charging this man could happen to the author.
My point was the correlation between prudish attitudes and teenage pregnancies, etc. I agree the UK is not good, in fact I would say we are the worst, not just “one of the worst” in Europe. This is why we are trying to get this message across.