Once upon a time, I was having a very, very bad day. Because I remember everything, I even know the when and the why – it was the Thursday before we left for Tofino for the weekend, and I had just learned that our financing for the penthouse had fallen through. It was a terrible day, and having to go to Costco – normally an awesome time because I am slightly touched in the head – just made things that much worse.

In a fit of sardonic whimsy, I purchased a calendar of “3650 Things to Be Happy About”. It’s a page-a-day calendar (I hate these things) featuring a list of ten things per day meant to cheer you up. Even if I wasn’t in a terrible, horrible, no good mood I knew that I would likely have an issue with 90% of the items listed in this tacky bit of forced cheer – and today, when I got into the office and opened the calendar up, I was pleased to note that I was right: this thing is ridiculous, and is likely meant for stupid people.

Here are some of my favourites, 4 days into the year:

• A Louis Vuitton travel case
• Pizza-of-the-Month clubs
• Unlocking a combination padlock
• A useful basket
• A newspaper delivered to your door
• Picnics around the fireplace
• Using chopsticks
• Indian pennies
• An afternoon at the races
• Roomy pants
• Washing dishes by hand
• “Mom” food

.. these are all terrible things to be happy about. These things make me grumpy. I actively dislike Louis Vuitton bags. What the hell is an Indian penny? Washing dishes by hand infuriates me. “Using chopsticks” seems racist – is there an entry for “using a fork”? My mother eats nothing but KFC and ramen drenched in Sriracha sauce. These are horrible and do not make me happy at all. THIS CALENDAR IS A GIANT FAIL.

I think I’m going to have to give this thing away, preferably to a person who wears cat sweaters and has folksy wisdom cross-stitched onto things.

my version would sell more copies