Miranda is turning 30 on the 20th, and has decided she is having a Fancy Dress Party to celebrate. People have been asking us to define “fancy”, to which I have been responding with “whatever means fancy to you”. Top hat and tails? Jeans without holes? Cocktail dress? Ball gown? Cashmere twin set with pearls? All of these things apply.

I had been pushing Miranda to throw a costume party, so to placate my wishes (because it is important that I get what I want on HER birthday) she added a decree – dress as fancy as you like, but OVER THE TOP fancy will be true name of the game. Well! Over the top, eh? I believe I just might be able to do that.

It just so happens that I’ve been looking for an underbust corset for some time. Unlike a traditional corset, of which I own several, an underbust corset is meant to display the entire bosom instead of just the top. When I heard that I was to be over the top fancy for the party, I knew what I had to do – take it literally.

I wasn’t sure how much an off-the-shelf underbust corset would cost me, or where I’d even find one with enough time to prepare for the party – but the internet came through for me once again. Courtesy of eBay, I was able to procure not one but THREE ridiculous corsets for the party that fit astonishingly well for the price tag (the three corsets including exchange came to less than $80 with free shipping). They’re glorious, they’re hysterical, and they fit – I am thrilled.

When I got home, I promptly tried on my intended outfit for Ed – it includes pasties out of necessity, not for fun – and he did an immediate double-take and declared the getup to be “too much” for outside wear.

Jackpot.

Citation for indecent exposure, here I come. I can’t wait!

I can, however, wait for this weekend: I do NOT want to go to Victoria. It’s going to be wet, cold, uncomfortable and boring. Playing nursemaid for my demanding mother is a thing of horror under the best of circumstances; this time I won’t be able to run away on my scooter for a few precious moments of sanity. You’re damn right I’m afraid, and for good reason. She pees in a bucket, people. This is not normal.

Updated to include links – headache has made me forgetful. The corsets came from Hong Kong and were probably made by tiny orphans who receive one meager bowl of watery gruel per day and get beaten when they don’t sew fast enough, but I try not to think about that (I’m kidding – please don’t storm my castle with pitchforks). There are three different stores on eBay that are actually the same group, with slightly different stock in each one:

Rouge Roses

Make Me Sexy

and Wedding Checklist

I’ve since bought a 4th corset, which is on the way here. I’d like to actually replace the lacing in the ones I have – they came laced with ribbon which, while pretty, does little to keep things snug – but they’re really awesome especially for the price.

And if you’re curious as to just how ridiculous we’re talking:

you will never, ever see me in this - but it is spectacular.

This is the only full corset I bought – I couldn’t resist.

I think I’ve lost my purpose.

Maybe I just have a case of the Tuesdays.

Either way, all is not right inside my head and I am glum.

I appear to have an Etsy shop. Have at it!

If you dislike purchasing things on the internet, I will be selling both Smuttons and Smittens at the MOV on March 19th, and at Got Craft on May 2nd.

Whee!

i made a non-xxx version!

I may have discovered the most horrible thing in the world!

I was in dire need of hydration last night so I grabbed a water bottle to fill and bring to bed. When I picked it up, it seemed a little heavy and also rattled. I didn’t think much of it – it was late and I was tired – but then I opened it up to give it a quick rinse.

There was ooze. Thick, chunky ooze in a vast array of colours. I peered into the bottle, and – oh god, no.

I hadn’t used this particular bottle in at least four months; before we moved into Sparta. I vaguely remembered taking it to work and shoving a lemon wedge inside so I could enjoy lemon water with my routers. I assume I had brought it home so I could wash it, but .. well, I didn’t. It sat there for weeks and was eventually moved from North Van to my shiny new kitchen, with a piece of lemon quietly rotting away inside. Have you ever smelled something that’s been slowly breaking down in a near-vacuum for a very long time? It is not pleasant. In fact, I blame the smell on why I was unable to sleep until almost 2am. The smell, and being tea bagged by a 22-pound cat.

The weekend was both productive and quiet at the same time. Friday night saw us over at Miranda and Reilly’s place for Tanya’s goodbye party – she’s leaving with Barry to live in Calgary next week, so we all gathered to drink and be merry in her honour. I got to test out the Smuttons, which went over surprisingly well – people were clamoring to get their piece of naughtiness. Reilly made a killer video of the evening that you should really check out here, and you can even play “Guess the Rack” on Tanya’s Twitpic account as she went around taking pictures of everyone’s boobs. Can you figure out which set is mine?

Errands on a gorgeous Saturday had me on my scooter for most of the afternoon, and a visit to Voltage and Bodacious got me some yummy things. I even decorated Lola a little before going home to sit out the headache that came crashing down on me and made me sad. Ed trapped me into watching a movie with him – Black Dynamite – and I made so many buttons.

Sunday I did nothing. Well, I did four loads of laundry and made some tachos to eat during the Oscars, but other than that I did nothing. I cut out many more rounds for my buttons, including every penis I could find in my Playgirl – so many peeners! None of them are particularly sexy though, because erections aren’t allowed for some reason – so I have a whole lot of flaccid wangs in button form. Yay? The Man Smuttons will be a limited thing, because unless I can get my hands on some INTERESTING peener porn I will stick to the ladies – so much more fun.

This week I’m heading to Victoria to accompany my mother to her cataract surgery on her other eye. I did this by myself last July, and it completely broke my brain – so this time, I’m making Ed come with me. He’s so much better at dealing with my mother than I am. I might even make it through the weekend with my sanity intact!

EEEEEEEE MY CORSETS JUST ARRIVED! GOTTA GO!

next step: a baby doll strapped to my back

I need more pornography.

I’ve spent the last couple nights elbow deep in vaginas and smut, making my filthy buttons. I don’t know if there’s a market for these, but I find them absolutely hilarious and will attempt to sell them anyway – I have an unused Etsy store, and I can bring them to Got Craft events. I’ll have to hide them away from the easily offended, but I’ll have some on hand for people who want a little bit of secret filth. In fact, that’s the whole point: a naughty little nugget; a perverted piece of flair. Something to have a secret giggle at when you have to play nice and be professional – Big Brother might try to keep you in line, but who’s going to get in your way when you’ve got more than one hidden vagina? No one, that’s who.

I need to get little baggies for the buttons, but I’ve got a catchy name and a label made already. I’m going to sell them in packs of 4 for $5, or $1.50 each. I don’t really care if they don’t actually sell – I will keep them in jars, just like I do those organs I found once – but I kinda hope they do. It amuses me to wear secret pornography, and I’m sure I can’t be the only one.

I do need to make a run to some used bookstores for some old smut, though – I only had one Penthouse magazine lying around and it’s been cut into many pieces for my own hilarity. The image buttons are pretty cool, but the text ones are definitely my favourite – a little more subtle than wearing an eagle-spread vagina on your lapel, at any rate. Unless you’re into that sort of thing; then who am I to stop you?

In other news: I have new glasses, I’m going to a party tonight, I submitted myself to two hilarious things that will utterly terrify me if I somehow sneak past the screening process, people are submitting questions to my Formspring that aren’t about sex and it’s kind of refreshing, and Miranda’s having a Fancy Dress party in two weeks for her birthday and I can’t WAIT because my outfit is centered around pasties.

No, seriously, I have confidence issues. Can’t you tell?

(these aren't actually smuttons; i'm at work)

with love and without pants

Yeah, this is going to be fun:

i think i'm going to need more porn

BUTTONS!

Well, not yet. More specifically: BUTTON MAKER!

I received a bonus at work last week, and had to make a decision – do I put the money towards an iMac, or buy a button maker? I went back and forth on this and asked everyone I knew for advice before deciding on the button maker. The former option would certainly be more exciting, but would require me to spend an extra $1000 – whereas the latter was still exciting, but would allow me to pay down some debt and fill my house with jars upon jars of buttons.

Also, maybe I will get a tax return and then I can get an iMac anyway.

I searched eBay until I found the perfect item – a button maker, a circle cutter, and 1000 supplies for a decent price. It arrived today, and now I am armed with everything I need to make many, many buttons. Hooray! And just in case 1000 wasn’t enough, I also purchased an additional 1000 supplies – 2000 buttons! YAY!

Since I can’t really WEAR 2000 buttons, I will have to come up with fun things to do with them. I believe I will make Delicious Juice Dot Com Button Sets available, and do themed sets – admit it; you’ve always wanted goatse on your lapel – mostly for fun and maybe a little for profit. I’ll make some insufferable announcements when things are available for the purchasing!

The button maker comes just in time, too – Miranda and I will be attending the Museum of Vancouver’s showing of Handmade Nation on March 19th, and participating in the mini-Got Craft fair there. I can make buttons to sell along with my remaining Purl Necklaces stock, and whatever I can whip up between now and then. I’ve been experimenting with the shiny things I’ve been getting in the mail, and made this last night:

i swear it's prettier in person - i don't have good lighting at my desk

I’ve been fascinated with gem clusters lately, and figured that making my own was cheaper than buying them by the dozen. I don’t know if anyone will think they’re pretty beyond me, but it can’t hurt to try. I’ll be selling whatever I make (assuming I can part with my lovely shiny things) for ridiculous prices, because I feel bad when people give me money. I am the worst entrepreneur *ever*.

All the fun is in the creation, though. Making stuff is awesome! I can’t wait to go home so I can destroy our living room with craft stuff everywhere! Buttons and jewels for everyone, hooray!