(Someone started a fictional character rap battle thread on SA; this was my contribution)

time to transform and THROW DOWN

Listen up motherfuckers, it’s Optimus Prime
Leader of the Autobots and the bringer of rhyme
Brought back from the dead coz I broke so many hearts
Thought you could replace me? You’re a heap of spare parts

I’m an 18-wheeler mack truck, you’re a fucking minivan
I bring pain to the ‘cons while you’re the soccer mom’s man
Even as Hot Rod you were a total douche
Roller’s got more fans, and he comes out of my caboose

You’re only worthwhile coz you were voiced by Bender
It was a banner fucking year for the first offender
Over in the real world I’m Peter fucking Cullen
Brought back for the movies while you’re lookin’ pretty sullen

I’m the original gansta, name was Orion Pax
Alpha Trion rebuilds me after Megatron attacks
Bad boy of Cybertron until I got blown up
Even had a girlfriend; all you have is Kup

The Matrix of Leadership glows on in my chest
It’s in it’s rightful home, I’m the best of the best
I never had to use it to light our darkest hour
I defeated all the bad guys using my own fucking power

I like my ladies sleek
You’re a futuristic antique
People cried over me
You’re a goddamn RV
Elita One is my ho and Bumblebee my right hand
How’d your story end? Can’t be bothered to Wiki it, my man
“Til all are one” doesn’t include the likes of you
You’re a failure as a reboot; not fit to be my number two
You tell me you’ve got nothing but contempt for this court?
With your spoiler and flames, you’re as useful as a serial port

You tried your best to be me, even calling yourself Prime
Too bad no one loved you, you wasted all your time
I’m a beloved 80’s icon, father figure to a generation
You’re a faded memory of failure, a move of desperation
Hiding in plain sight, protecting humans as they make out
I’m Optimus fucking Prime; transform and roll out