It’s disturbingly quiet here at the Lab – I’m in danger of falling asleep. I will intersperse this fascinating documentation with a marginally premature recap: 2010 in Review!
You know, 2010 was a good year. I had a lot of fun, did some exciting things, and adapted quite nicely to the never-ending debt of home ownership. There was very little by way of nasty surprises this year, and I didn’t lose anyone OR my job and for this I am thankful.
Once again late to the bandwagon, 2010 was the International Year of Biodiversity AND the International Year of Youth: in honour, I will celebrate biodiversity by having sex with people AND fish, and act 12 for the rest of the year. I always seem to remember to look up the International Year of with less than a week to go, so to prepare myself for 2011, next year is the International Year of Forests and the International Year of Chemistry. I can work with those. Who wants to do some science in the woods?
Here, then, are the highs and lows from my 2010:
January: Decided to only wear fancy bras. Discovered Astronautalis at a Tegan and Sara show; spent year stalking. Totally owned someone who dared me to provide evidence of her bigotry. Started school! Realized that I hated school! Worried that my neighbours were dead and causing the fish smell in our bedroom; found out it was the lamp. Rented a button maker! Had to run out and buy my own due to extreme awesomeness!
February: Vancouver had a party. Maybe you heard about it? Also: broke rules. Did some science! Had a house warming party and got warm! Discovered the awesome easter egg in the Vancouver 2010 iPhone app; told the world. Pedobear crashed the Olympics. Debated spilling the beans; decided to behave. Got kicked out of the Dress Rehearsal for the Opening Ceremonies anyway. Received my grandfather’s World War I records; learned about his Super Gonorrhea. Renee moved to Vancouver! Attended the gold medal ceremony for Alexandre Bilodeau’s historic win! Shared the Olympic love; gave away a lot of things. Received (and shared) the greatest pin ever. Had a brilliant day with friends experiencing the Olympics. Crashed a party! There was so much fucking drama! Saw Jonathan Coulton in concert; got recognized. Watched Canada win the gold medal over the USA in men’s hockey with several thousand of my closest friends!
March: Awarded some Olympic medals of my own. Bought a button maker! Began making SMUTTONS! Was a good daughter; went to Victoria to help mom to and from her second cataract surgery (with Ed in tow, because the first one broke my brain). Did some forensics! Saw Nixon in China in Vancouver. Dressed up (aka undressed) for Miranda’s 30th birthday bash. Committed some crimes with a coconut. Attended the Vancouver Twestival. Wrote a postnup because I didn’t have the presence of mind to write a prenup. Was terrible at drugs.
April: Spent my Easter with porn and weed. Was grumpy to fit in. Posted a horrible April Fools’ joke. Made some jewellery. Urged women everywhere to be vaginally inspected. Wrote a birth plan for Ali. Received Stalker Juice! Won half an argument about dick. Attended a fancy Fluevog shoe launch! Coerced my friends into a photoshoot involving handcuffs. Released a 20th anniversary edition DVD of my virginity. Boobquake! Opera Ninja! Geek of the Week! Waged war on mommy bloggers everywhere!
May: Was bitchy. Had craft; forgot I was married. Waged war on marketing companies. Gave a presentation at Northern Voice complete with goodie bags! Unleashed the Bieber! Reverted to myself in 1993. Waged war on children. Posted my NV speech online. Tried to spice up my marriage; failed miserably. Attended a George taping at CBC! Waged war on my uterus. Bought an iMac; convinced myself I didn’t need an iPad. Wrote a freestyle rap as Optimus Prime. Announced that we were going to Forks.
June: Vacation! Went to Portland via the 101 and Forks. All of Lola’s gaskets failed at once. Joined a gaming site to write app reviews. Had the most incredible birthday ever. Changed my mind; got an iPad! Invented a secret identity for when I want to hide.
July: Did some startling trend analysis. Waged war on crazy. Made a Mighty Ugly hockey! WAS FORBIDDEN. Waged war on oversharing. Started an App Blog. My vagina debuted in a magazine! Went to the dentist for the first time in years. Missed Sasha.
August: Went to see Hair. Got an iPhone 4 thanks to Reilly! Invented Death Metal. Saw the worst masturbator ever. Planned to share my life story in a book called Drink, Fuck, Fight. Compared the iPhone 4 to the 3GS. Had summer, lost a tooth, dragged everyone I know to see Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Had all my orifices probed on the same terrible day.
September: PAX 10! Tooth extraction! Took a week off for no reason whatsoever! Waged war on high dildo prices. Changed my site design. Used technology to foil a thief. Found multiple ways to attach things to my phone. Went on a cruise! Saw Matt & Kim at the Rickshaw and a wheelchair rugby game. Attempted to cover up for once.
October: Woke up needing purple hair. Was Batman. Waged war on false advertising. Got transferred to a new team and new desk. SEWED! Had to replace my iPhone. POLKA POWER! Was on TV again! Was turned down by Apple to be an iTunes affiliate because of my extreme religious content. Had a dull Halloween, replaced my camera, and threw a kick-ass work party.
November: Made it all of the way through NaBloPoMo this time. korporate downfall part 2. Got the best boots ever! Remembered my grandfather and his Super Gonorrhea. Got a new tattoo! Waged war on: The Big Bang Theory, guilt, TEDxVancouver, my social anxiety and haters, and not being pregnant. Began my holiday neuroses early. Had a problem with being ethical. Wrote too many words about TEDxVan. Petards were hoisted.
December: Rubbed elbows with the elite. Had craft. Discovered a whorish mystery that is still unsolved. Caused a mass exodus. Did not have a gas leak! Waged war on Christmas. Received a terrifying Gift Noose Man. Did not get knocked up! Showed Chris around our awesome, spectacular city. Delivered Christmas to our adopted family. Realized my priorities had shifted. Wrapped presents in porn. Moved again at work; my 4th desk in 3 years. Wrote the still-open plea for someone to let me cover the Vancouver Taboo Sex Show next month. Had a great Friendmas followed by a fruitful Boxing Day. Came to work; made an Executive Decision to order pizza for everyone here today because it’s cold (no heat) and nothing is open. Wrote this update.
Jesus. Why do I do these each year? They take HOURS to do, and no one really cares – but here I am anyway, trying to remember what I did in August.
Overall, 2010 was a great year. A+++, would live again. What will 2011 bring? Whatever it is, I sure hope it is awesome and hilarious. Those are my favourite things, after all.