“Keep the secret!” the uniformed man chirped at me as he ceremoniously escorted me out of the Olympics Opening Ceremony dress rehearsal.

I got kicked out of BC Place tonight, for attempting to send a text message to Ed.

We weren’t allowed to have cameras; that was made painfully clear. Cell phones, however, were NOT on the contraband list – and we weren’t asked not to use them. Don’t spill the beans, the Artistic Director begged us. You’re here because of someone else, and that person has sworn to uphold the VANOC blah blah blah. Behave! Or else!

Contrary to everything I wanted to be doing at that time, I DID behave. I tweeted vague observations – along with other people; I certainly wasn’t the only one – and tried to text Ed. I wasn’t breaking any rules, but I got kicked out anyway. Hooray! It wasn’t in any way totally humiliating! Boy, I certainly want to keep the secret NOW!

But I will. Because I promised.

I’m annoyed. Very much so. As multiple people are pointing out, I was warned twice to stop doing whatever it was I was doing – but remember how we weren’t told we couldn’t use our phones? I assumed they thought I was taking pictures, so I didn’t fight it. Honest mistake. Especially since the man who kicked me out said “Do you have your camera? We’re going to go delete your pictures”. Except it wasn’t a camera, and I WAS trying to text Ed. What difference does it make, though? People are going to think what they want. I know what I did and didn’t do, and I know I haven’t uttered a word to anyway. Details are already coming out, but they’re not from me.

I have a list of non-specific opening ceremony observations I wanted to share. I was in a much better mood when I wrote them, but here they are anyway:

• The Olympics are an exercise in waiting in line
• Seriously, if you have tickets for Friday’s opening ceremonies, you should probably get in line now
• It will help if you break a bone and/or have small children – broken people and those with spawn got advance entry, as though I wouldn’t poop myself and have a tantrum too if I thought it would get me inside any faster
• I hope your tickets were worth the thousands of dollars you probably spent, because they’re going to put you to work – this is Canada; I figure the budget for the opening ceremonies was so small they need the audience to do all the work
• We didn’t get to see many of the key players, but their stand-ins were very inspirational – I felt like I could hold a fake candle all night long
• One of the MCs made a comment to the audience about this being the only Canadian Olympic games during our lifetime – what does the VANOC know that we don’t? Also, this is my third Canadian Olympics. Yes, I existed during Calgary in ’88 and Montreal in ’76.
• They shilled merchandise at us during the pre-show – stay classy, VANOC!
• I CALLED IT! I totally called it! I can’t tell you what it is I called, but be assured that I completely nailed it!
• Someone in our row answered the call for more cowbell for some reason
• I am only half convinced that this entire thing is just an elaborate test of my character. I can’t tell you why, but you’ll know what’s killing me the instant it goes live. Vancouver will definitely be remembered for this, but I doubt it was exactly what they had in mind

The Opening Ceremonies will be very cool. Check it out on TV if you’re able. As pissed as I am, I can’t ignore the fact that it was very well done and it will be a grand spectacle when it all unfolds.

That’s all I was planning on writing, VANOC. Call off your dogs.