on shit

Big Bad Kimli the Child-Eating Internet Bully here, making a special appearance to blog about why I hate your children and want to eat their bones.

Mommy Sunshine Flower Kittens tweeted today about her Special Little Snowflake and how his poop was luminous with diamonds and fragrant like fresh cut grass and the finest perfumes the world has known, because billions of dollars and ideas and technological breakthroughs have happened in our lifetime so computers, the internet, and Twitter could be invented and used to tell the world about shit. Special shit, yes, but shit all the same.

I know I’m not the only person who is really disgusted and tired of seeing tweets that go into great detail about the shape, colour, odor, frequency and taste of children’s waste – I’m just the (mean, horrible) person who said something about it today. People agreed with me both privately and publicly, but since the words came from my fingertips, it’s just assumed that Kimli is going off on parents again because she totally hates children and while we’re at it let’s call her a bully who picks on people while stealing content and ideas to drive traffic to her site. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell. I haven’t had an original thought in my head in the nine and a half years I’ve been blogging and also people who aren’t me suck.

Since I’m already on the shit list – no pun intended – I might as well repost the thought that started it all: parents, no one wants to hear about your child’s bodily functions. I know you think your kid is the most amazing thing on the entire planet and everyone obviously shares your joy and delight at the things that ooze out of his or her holes, but you are wrong. No one cares. It is disgusting. If your child could voice an opinion, I highly doubt it would want you telling the world that it just made a stinky in it’s diaper and isn’t that cute and special. It’s not: it is foul and obnoxious. It is tasteless and revolting. The only two places in the world it is EVER appropriate to openly discuss fecal matter, be it your own or your child’s, is a) at a doctor’s office or b) at a scat convention. Twitter is neither of these things.

It’s fucking gross, okay. Stop it. There’s a reason I (rarely) go into great detail about the things that come out of our bodies: no one wants to hear it. I could go on for paragraphs about the amount, taste, texture, calorie content, pH level of Ed’s jizz – but I don’t, because I know I’m the only one who would get anything out of it. Some things are better left to the imagination, if that’s your sort of thing – why do you think they don’t show people shitting or pissing on TV? Describe it in books? Talk about it on CNN? Because it’s not fucking appropriate, and is no one’s business.

Yeah, I get that it’s hilarious that of all people to lead a parade on what is and isn’t appropriate, I’ve chosen to hoist the baton – but come on. It’s a universal given that shit is not discussed in polite society. People who talk about it like it’s a fascinating tidbit of science are broken people who’ve forgotten how to hold a real conversation outside of their little miracles.

Who’s the more damaged person here: people who are amazed by a natural bodily function, or me because I try to live a happy life? My comment about living a “happy little hilarious world” has been thrown back in my face twice in the last week like it’s something bad to be looked down on, and I’m amazed by THAT – not by what collects in your kid’s diapers.

Why do I hate children?

I don’t.

I think I hate YOU.

I’m on a horse.

(this post was password protected until the e-rage calmed down – I’m actually not at all interested in starting another me vs. them fight with parents)

26 thoughts on “on shit

  1. Yup. Yes. Indeed. What the hell? I’m not even anti-poop in the right circumstances – rare times, like Donna’s post-suicide-attempt charcoal poop diamond – but they must be special and incredibly hilarious to warrant publication. Indeed, that’s the exception that totally proves the rule.

  2. Thank you. I fucking hate it when people talk in public about bowel movements. I don’t need to know about other peoples feces. I don’t want to know! Really really. As for the comments that have been thrown into your face: people can be jerks when they feel defensive. It’s not right. By no means is it right. But it explains a lot. Instant defensiveness, in my book, suggests they know what they did was wrong/gross/etc. Plus, when haters spew all over you, it’s because they’re jealous.

  3. Hehe this is why I love you

    and yeah, I *really* wanted to tear into her myself but had to walk away. I seriously wouldn’t waste any more time on her!

  4. I agree & I’m a parent. People can be just sickening about their kids, so good for you calling them on it! Look at all the stupid nicknames people use for their kids for example. It’s also quite a leap to assume someone hates kids just because they don’t want to have their own (let alone hear the details on their excrement). My kid give the “kid-free” a chance to feel good about their choice, and I’m okay with that. I think it’s funny

  5. How come I never saw that tweet?

    Maybe it’s because I don’t follow people who only say things that are of no interest to me.

    If you don’t like what’s on tv/internet, change the channel. Better yet, turn it off and go for a walk.

  6. This one time a friend of mine pooped in the shape of a heart on valentines day (by coincidence, he wasn’t trying to make poo art) and he took a picture of it.

    That is just about the only time I have ever thought the subject was appropriate conversation.

    Parents seem to go ape shit about their kids and think that everything they do should be broadcast to the world. I get that having a tiny human is novel and sometimes they do neat stuff. But pooing isn’t one of those neat things. Everyone Poops (except Kimli). PARENTS: WE DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

    I like children. If little Sara takes her first steps and you are a proud parent, please do share (although sharing about the third, fifth, tenth times she takes steps is taking it too far).

  7. Shit on Twitter? Well… literal shit on Twitter? That’s a new one for me, compared to most of the figurative shit that’s usually on Twitter.

    The sheer force of your response makes me itch to debate this, just to play devil’s advocate, but I don’t think I can honestly defend people for discussing feces in public.

    I’m no angel – I’ve been known to explain in public, when asked, why my kid can’t have dairy (or the other stuff he can’t eat), but I feel pretty darn uncomfortable about it and I don’t think I’ve ever made a direct, literal explanation online. Hope not, anyway.

    If there’s anything I should say it’s this: have a little pity for these people whose interesting lives have been reduced to the point where SHIT becomes one of the most compelling topics in their existence. I used to have time to ponder the Middle East peace process, but now I’m reduced to spending my IQ and time to figure out how to avoid dealing with NASTY SHIT.

  8. I am personally on Team-Go-Babies, but I hate it when I see on facebook and twitter mom’s and dad’s always talking about their kids and replacing their identity with their children’s (i.e., avatar is a picture of the kid, WTF?). Call me a feminist, but I don’t think that is healthy for the parents AND the kids.

    But Kimli, everybody poops. My parents have officially reached the age where they tell me about their bowel movements over the phone… You kind of get used to it.

  9. South Park uses poo jokes and it works for them!

    Remember when Martha Stewart took that whole turkey up her ass and then poo came out her mouth? Good times. And also Mr. Hanky.


  10. I have to admit, just before I commented I had to check my twitter page to see if there were any, “Oemgeee! My offspring just had a poop and it was diamonds, emeralds and pearls! I’m motherfreaking rich!” So thank god I didn’t.

    @jon I’m completely on the same boat as you with the creepiness of baby avatars. To each their own, I just judge them *silently*.


  11. Well, two things.

    1. I swore I’d never be one of those parents who talked about their kid’s bowel movements, and I think I’ve succeeded. That said, I now understand where it comes from. In the early years of a kid’s life there’s just SO MUCH OF IT. Unbelievable. Really. I bet infants poop their own weight every week. You end up talking about it for the same reason you end up talking about the weather; it’s just always freakin’ there.

    2. I will talk about my kid’s poop in one and only one circumstance; when someone is insisting on telling me about the “freaky” dream they had last night/last week/last year/last whatever. I start telling them about my kid’s poop because it’s about as important and interesting as what they’re saying.

  12. Just say no! (to babies)

    It’s obviously the babies themselves, with their exaggerated Manga features, unnaturally soft skin, pheromones and other cleverly Darwinian “protect me” characteristics developed over time that make these (presumably) otherwise sensible adults go gaga.

  13. I feel like every time I de-lurk it’s to tell you how totally f*cking awesome you are (which sounds much more stalker-y and creepy than I intend). TEAM NO POOP!

  14. On rare, rare occasions, I tweet and blog about poop (and puke), in the context of my colon cancer. It’s sometimes unavoidable, but I try to give good advance warning and, when appropriate, be as euphemistic as possible.

    On the other hand, there’s never, ever been anything beautiful about it, not mine, and not my kids’, even when they were tiny babies.

  15. The instigator of this rant is now baiting me on Twitter with stories about her kid’s poop @’d at me. I have decided to respond with tweets about fisting. Clearly this is the best way to handle this, because fisting is awesome.

  16. I’m going to retaliate by describing MY poo. I mean, you can’t lower the bar on me without getting it lowered on you.

    Also, RateMyPoo.com is something to which we can refer them, as many times as it takes.

    Also also, have you seen STFUParents.tumblr.com?

  17. Pingback: mmx in review « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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