needs more flaming k’s

a flaming k for a flaming kimli

Flaming!

I can’t be the only person out there with zero interest in Eat, Pray, Love – can I? I’ve never read it, but I know the general idea and I find it kind of repulsive: a rich white woman fucks off for a year to “find herself” and goes on all sorts of endearing adventures while eating, praying and loving. Sure, the general theme of the book is “open up and find love” – but why does that have to come with an astronomical price tag that 99% of the population can’t afford?

I can write inspirational bullshit too, and maybe even sell it to a publisher. Thing is, no one is going to give me a huge pile of cash so I can run away from life for a year to find myself, which is what happened with the author of this book: her eating, praying and loving was all funded in advance by her publisher. I’m sure that if I could drop everything and flit around the world on someone else’s dime I’d have some deep meaningful exchanges too – but it’s not realistic and kind of insulting to the regular folk. I have nothing in common with this woman except a uterus, and I’m supposed to take heart in her adventures and come out the other side a complete person? Um, no. Send ME on the adventure; maybe I’ll come out a better person too. Let ME live in Bali, and India, and Italy for a year. What would I be like on the other side? And more importantly, who would play me in the movie version of my book entitled “Drink, Fuck, Fight: One Woman’s Search for Adventure and Gay Porn Across the Planet“?

I admit that I don’t do chick lit, and I don’t understand a lot of things that are popular – I just can’t see why people are so caught up in rich white woman find-yourself porn. Don’t you think that ANYONE would be different if someone handed them a huge wad a cash and said “you’ve got no responsibilities for the next year other than to FIND YOURSELF – see you later”? Some people might even be able to eloquently tell the story afterward, too.

Maybe I’m unique (but I doubt it) in that I’d rather try to fix my own life than read fanciful ways in which someone I can’t relate to fixed theirs. After all, I can’t go to Italy to experience the joys of pasta – I’ll have to do my soul searching at The Old Spaghetti Factory instead. It comes spumoni ice cream!

Seriously, though: “Drink Fuck Fight” would be a best-seller. If there are any publishers out there wanting to give me an enormous advance to fund my trip to South Korea (the competitive video game hub of the world), Tokyo (Japan is awesome), Finland (Tom is from there) and London (I’ve never been to Europe) in exchange for my writing about it (as if I wouldn’t be blogging by the minute anyway), please email me via this website and start thinking about casting the film.

totally a best seller (click to embiggen)

18 thoughts on “needs more flaming k’s

  1. I’m not sure whether I’m more irked by Eat, Pray, Love itself, or the recent spate of store emails I’ve received with variations on the theme (Eat, Pray, Shop!) for subject lines. Ugh, thoroughly gag-inducing.

  2. I just got “Drink, Play, Fuck” from a friend for my birthday. It was good. Yours might be better though — and I think you should doing research and posting pictures for it RICHT NOW. Your audience demands it!

  3. It’s worse than that: she was paid to do it. She was actually given an advance to write the book, and a bunch of articles, as she went, and it was planned in advance. Pfft.

  4. This book would be more interesting if told from the Catholic priest point of view, in fact the title could stay the same, it just needs a subtitle of “Child’s play across the globe” or “What’s the best thing about 12 year olds? There’s 12 of them”. Oh Catholics, you so crazy!

    R Kelly could write the foreword.

    Matt.

  5. This is awesome. You need to frame your book cover!

    I actually read the book (shame! I know!). I read it because it was recommended to my Mom and she couldn’t get through it and wanted to know if it was just her. Certainly not just her and the only reason I finished it was because once I start a book I am compelled to finish it. I admit to skipping entire chapters – it was agonizing.

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