I don’t know if you’ve seen this infomercial, but I’ll wait here while you check it out:
While you’re at it, you should probably check out this spot-on rebuttal to the Cami Secret (aka the worst invention ever):
Okay, then. Now that you’re all caught up ..
I think I might need to invest in some Cami Secrets of my own.
No, seriously. Hear me out.
Those things are hideous, but I think I might need them. It’s easy to laugh at myself – oh look, I’m so inappropriate – but what most people fail to realize is that I’m like that ALL THE TIME. It’s one thing to look like a shameless hussy when I’m out with my friends, but another all together when I’m at work and I think I might have to Do Something about it. I can’t imagine it’s really affecting my career all that much, but I don’t really want to become a joke in the office because of my massive funbags, y’know?
So when I first saw the Cami Secret infomercial on TV, I was incredulous .. then speculative. It might work. One of the reasons I’m always overexposed is because I hate wearing layers – the other reasons all have to do with not getting enough attention as a child and pure hilarity – so a stupidly named piece of fabric attached to my bra straps might just solve the problem for everyone: I could cover up a little without having things bunching all up in my business, and you wouldn’t be involuntarily subjected to my dirty pillows on a daily basis. Just see for yourself how this stupid boner killer could work wonders:
I think you will agree that this look, while clearly stunning and enviable, is sometimes not appropriate. I wouldn’t intentionally dress like this for work, a wedding, a funeral, grocery shopping, Tuesday – yet I do, because it’s all I know. But look what happens when I use a boob apron:
Awesome, right? It’s fun for everyone! No more averting your eyes from my monkey mounds! I am Safe for All Ages! The Pope himself would not be visually offended by my presence (my love of gays and abortions and disdain for pedophilia might get in the way of any lasting friendship, though)! This is something I should look into further. If I could make some sort of Cami Secret knock-off that wasn’t, say, hideously ugly, I might actually wear it and be rated E for Everyone instead of my current triple X throwdown. It’s something to think about, anyway.
Or I could just keep on keeping on, and share my lady prizes with everyone always. That would certainly be easier, and kind of fun – your scorn is amusing to me, old lady in Safeway! I laugh at your sneers, clearly jealous girls in the mall! Your indiscreet “daaaaaaaaaaaaamn” makes me snort, drunk guys at the county fair!
Maybe this IS fun for everyone after all.