It’s been one week since
you looked at me threw your arms in the air and said you’re crazy the Boob Ultimatum was handed down, and unsurprisingly, I hate it. Just because I understand the why doesn’t mean I have to agree with it, and every morning is an epic struggle between my closet and the Brave New World we’re drably descending into. I got dressed three times this morning before I was satisfied that I met all the wardrobe complexity requirements, and I still managed to fail rather spectacularly depending on your angle. This sucks. It’s also making me far crankier than I thought it would, which upsets me and makes me think Deep Thoughts like “am I really so shallow that I think people can’t see me unless I’m embarrassing” “I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY CLEAVAGE!” “I’m a strong proud brownish woman; I shouldn’t have to show my tits for attention” “what if the boobs were the only reason people liked me and now everyone will ignore me and I’ll be invisible” “that is stupid, stop thinking that” “FUCK I HATE UNIBOOB”, etc etc etc. It’s been a rough week, even with the Friday holiday (I let my freak flag fly that night, and it was so nice and breezy) – but there may be a solution in sight.
A lot of people at the housewarming party asked me how the deboobening was going, to which I replied honestly that it sucked a great deal of ass. People commiserated – and then they offered up EXCELLENT SOLUTIONS to my two rather buoyant problems. It led to animated discussions and even more awesome solutions, some of which I can’t wait to try:
- Scarves! Winter is coming, and if no one usurps my throne with an incestuous snot of a child, I can use scarves to cover up. I have a lot of them, and this really cute video shows 25 different ways I can tie the scarf when I get tired of the basic drape. Also, as an added bonus, a lot of my scarves are ridiculous so they’re fun to wear.
- Bring back the ascot! I’ll have to buy a cutaway morning coat and striped grey trousers to really pull this off, but the noble ascot has been fancying up the chest of men for centuries – I’m sure it would cover my shame most adequately.
- I’ve already made my thoughts on the Cami Secret known, but it’s a possibility I must consider as I am dead set on not layering (I am already bulky; why would I want to add to that?). I could get some of the dreaded boob aprons and maybe alter them just a little – add sequins or bedazzle the shit out of them. I might even be able to make my own, out of non-traditional materials like vinyl or latex or Hello Kitty flannel. There’s a lot I could do with the idea, even if the whole thing is offensive to me.
- A rainbow of feather boas; one for every day of the week. I was just told “cover up” .. not with WHAT.
- Really, really big necklaces. Huge ones. Think “toaster on a chain” big.
- Carry a textbook at all times, ala 14-year-old-with-a-boner-in-math-class
- Tie random things around my neck and call it fashion. Today, for example, I’m wearing a belt looped twice around my neck, tied with a half-Windsor and fastened with a big flower pin. Stylish!
- Fun with Cardboard: this could be my chance to make some political statements, or even better, get a long black rectangle and pin it to my chest as a life sized nudity censor
- I often save the day at work, so I should work the superhero angle and get myself a cape. Actually, a cape wouldn’t really work .. I’d need a cloak and then I wouldn’t really be a superhero anymore but a shadowy villain which is much more awesome
- A bib. There are some cute bibs out there, and it would totally be dual purpose because a bib would keep food out of my bra.
- You know those cones they put on dogs to keep them from scratching or licking? I could wear one of those in reverse so it covers my assets .. or even better, everyone ELSE can wear one normally so they wouldn’t be able to look me in the tits
- A dickey! So sexy, and I could cosplay as Wolowitz!
- Until a few minutes ago, I didn’t know what these were called – but now I totally want a JABOT! There’s even a lace and PVC one already on Etsy just waiting for me!