I left it up to Twitter as to what I would update with today: sad, deep thoughts or random pictures of shiny toys. Most of the votes were for both in one update, so that’s what you’re getting – a twofer. Sad words and shiny toys ahoy!
I’m fairly certain I had many years of typical happy Christmas times with my mom and dad – there is photographic evidence of this, and I still have a few cherished items I received when I was little. The human brain is funny, though – all it takes is one powerful negative memory to define something, and it’s done. I only have vague recollections of jolly family Christmas goodness with my parents, but I remember the time my mother told me I ruined the holidays because she didn’t like my gifts with brilliant clarity.
Whatever, we all have bad memories lurking in our brains somewhere – that isn’t the point here. What you do with those memories is often what defines a person – I can spend each holiday wallowing in sadness for the Kodak Moments I never had, or I can try to build some NEW happy times so the warm thoughts are bigger than the bad.
I’ve been trying for pretty much my entire adult life to do exactly that; to build some new traditions that I can look fondly on when I’m old and gray. I’m never going to have a big family to do this with – there will never be a pile of children in the other room too excited for Santa to sleep; no grandchildren to shower with toys and baked goods in front of a big tree. I’m okay with this; I knew what I was in for when I became President of Team No Babies – but that still doesn’t change my yearning for ridiculous and trite Happy Family Moments to erase the bad memories that just won’t shake loose. I’ve been trying so hard to build something happy, but it’s just not working and I don’t know if I see a point in continuing to try.
Ed is really the only person I get to buy gifts for, but he doesn’t make it easy. Each year I try to find out what he’d like for Christmas, and each year he gets angry because I ask. He doesn’t want or need anything; he doesn’t care; stop bugging me. This morning I asked about stockings – they’ve always been my very favourite part of Christmas – and it turned into a fight because he doesn’t WANT little stupid things already so could I just stop asking.
Each year we do less and less in terms of general holiday merriment, but I’ve always fought to keep stockings alive. Even if we eventually decided to stop exchanging the more traditional gifts, I’d always planned to still do stockings – it’s a small thing; silly little presents for the sake of bringing a smile. It would mean so much to me to even have this one stupid thing I can claim as a tradition of our own, but no one else sees it that way. It’s a huge chore to have to think of things to ask for, to have to buy things for others, to pretend to care about any of it on Christmas Day – this isn’t festive, it’s a pain in the ass so just cut it out.
So, here we are. Why do I keep trying? No one appreciates it, and my gestures are only reciprocated out of obligation, not love. What’s the point? It would be better for everyone else if I could just get over my desire to build a tradition of happy times, since no one else has fun with this. It sucks, though. A lot. Enough that I’ve gone through a dozen tissues since 8:30 this morning, making my nose even drier than it already was.
Okay, so Christmas is canceled. What about the random pictures of shiny toys?
Using the DIY tool on the Gelaskins website, I made some custom iPhone 4 screens complete with wallpaper. They are pretty awesome; I’m pleased with how they turned out. It was super easy to do, and now my phone is totally mine. Score!