I almost fell over a block from work this morning. I was feeling all fine and dandy, thinking about just how naked I was going to spend my evening, when WHOOSH – I was hit with a wall of vertigo and came close to finding down. It’s been a very unusual morning, complete with a ranty man on the bus and two guys on a cherry picker outside my bedroom window (they were not there to pick cherries) – and now I’m crazy dizzy on top of everything else. I really hope this isn’t the start of something (a lot of my coworkers seem to be out sick), because I totally don’t have time for this. No time, I tell you! I’m having at you!

I spent much of last night surrounded by porn and presents. The porn is not at all unusual – my mother would be so proud – but the presents were; I was elbow-deep in holiday trimmings. A few years ago, I declared war on wrapping paper and refused to buy any more once my supply ran out. I used the last scraps of paper up a while ago, so I’ve had to rely on creative wrapping tools since then. I’m not a crazy eco-warrior hippie or anything; I just think it’s ridiculously wasteful to spend money on paper that you ultimately plan to throw away especially when there’s so much scrap paper lying around all over the place. Sure, you want your gifts to be fancy – but that doesn’t mean you have to have the traditional gift wrap festooned with gaudy, in-your-face reminders that it is the holiday season. All it takes is a little creativity, and anything at all can make a pretty present – or, in my case, a triple-X throwdown:

the title of the spread i used is "eco-rotic" - i love it when a theme comes together

I had to include the text on one of the presents; it was just too awesome to leave out:

Grabbing her fellow conversationalist’s tumid man root, Leela stuffs the groin gourd into her hot gullet. Steam rises from Rick’s member as it spurts hot love goo into Leela’s open mouth. Licking her soft lips clean, the natural beauty smiles, “The most important thing is, always remember to recycle.”

Tumid man root? Groin gourd? Hot gullet? I AM SO AROUSED!

the hat isn't on the actual present; i had a last minute change of heart about giving you an eyeful of tumid man root so early in the week

The article is from an old issue of Hustler Canada – fitting, because we all fuck in the snow up here. The winters are long and hard, and so are our men – what else is there to do?

This post was probably not safe for work. Sorry about that, unless you enjoyed it at which point Merry Christmas to you!

Seriously, don’t ever invite me over to your child’s birthday party.

8 thoughts on “vertigo-go

  1. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but the bug I was battling a couple of weeks back had me experiencing vertigo throughout (two days early to nearly a week after). I kid you not that I was worried the world had started to spin the opposite direction and it was my responsibility to bring this to the attention of the masses.

    And I can’t begin to imagine how my future parents-in-law would think of me if I had a gift or two wrapped up in that paper. I love it, but them old fashioned folk probably not as much.

    • Well, when I started making smuttons, at least 6 people donated their stash to me .. and since I can’t use the spreads for smuttons, they get left over and make reeeeeally good wrapping paper. :)


    Oh wait, because I have no printed porn. And my 9 yr old sister probably wouldn’t understand. Hmm. FINE. Stupid wrapping paper.

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