from the archives: december 2002

Delicious Juice Dot Com will be ten years old next month, which is cause for epic celebration (likely in my mind only, but let me have my fun). I don’t know what I’m going to do for the big day – likely nothing – but in the meantime, I thought this would be a good time to start recycling some of my older content that you likely haven’t seen. It’s environmentally friendly – I’m saving electrons! And, um, I don’t have anything else to write about today, but pretend this is nostalgic and not lazy, okay?

Originally posted on December 15th, 2002:

Resume of DeeAy

Objective:
To obtain a position with an organization that allows me to utilize my current skill sets and gain others in an environment that encourages rapid growth, ethical problem solving, and little to no llamas.

Skills:

  • Can carry up to ten weapons at once
  • Able to kill a man with a single punch
  • Intimate knowledge of arming and disarming explosive devices
  • Feels no guilt for taking human lives; firm believer in “kill or be killed” mentality
  • Excellent communication skills
  • Powerful cleric able to heal party of adventures under duress of battle
  • Able to repair and maneuver anti-gravity motorcycles in a post-apocalyptic world
  • Team player willing to sacrifice self so that team may reach goal
  • Some sniper experience
  • Been known to be more than 100% healthy
  • Capable of acting as both terrorist and counter-terrorist
  • Undeterred from goals by death
  • Able to access high places via rocket propulsion with little damage to self
  • Can perform fakie 900 tail grab to iffy-stiffy
  • Able to drive cars at upwards of 150 miles per hour
  • Familiar with at least four different kinds of Super Soldier

Experience:

  • Destroyed 30 Ally Communication Towers to date
  • Research Associate in the Anomalous Materials Laboratory, Black Mesa Federal Research Facility
  • Saved world from Vorticons seven times, once while sleeping
  • Became tournament champion in three separate arena settings
  • Stopped H.A.R.M. plot to destroy/take over world on two separate occasions, often armed with no more than a barrette and lipstick
  • Was kindly god for several thousand villagers; communicated via large tiger
  • Successfully wielded John Romero’s Daikatana
  • Nursed mankind in infantile stages; eventually created civilization
  • Maintained household of adults with upwards of 8 friends, resulting in eventual baby
  • Defeated Diablo and Bael with magical ice arrows
  • Single-handedly (and again as group) eliminated Nazi threat from Germany
  • Member of the AMS; defeated Goldman’s Army of the Undead in London England
  • Been crowned “Godlike” for sniping abilities several times
  • Saved the Princess
  • Uncovered Covenant family curse
  • Former Holy Crusader turned Vampire by treacherous nun; survived through to modern day London and eventually traveled to New York to rid world of evil

Interests:

Discovering creative means of grenade/plasma-fueled propulsion, uncovering lost spells, cooking.

References:

  • Deckard Cain, Horadric Mage
  • Superfly Johnson, Black Sidekick
  • Dr. Fluke Hawkins, Inventor

Hire me, or I’ll kill you in your sleep.

 

One thought on “from the archives: december 2002

  1. Many of your posts contain awesome. This one is pure awesomesauce. I will make it my mission to get at least one of these skills into my actual, official work bio.

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