from the archives: may 2004

I used to fall down a lot. This was originally posted on May 28th 2004:

Hey kids! Tired of your regular action figures? Running out of interesting ways to make Barbie die? Frustrated with the logistics behind the new Surfer Ninja Web Cycle Street Fighting Spider-Man with Sewer Cap Hurling Action? Put down that Linkin Park CD, Timmy! Take off that black nail polish, Susie! We have the answer to all your prayers right here!

Be the first one on your block to get your very own PERILOUS KIMLI ACTION FIGURE! There are 12 in all — collect the whole set! The Perilous Kimli Action Figure is the ONLY figure to feature these exciting new technological breakthroughs:

  • Random Tripping Action! Perilous Kimli falls down again and again! (empty beer bottles not included)
  • Stigmata! Perilous Kimli is bleeding! Is it a religious miracle, or just another pizza sauce incident? Use your detective skills to figure out why!
  • Realistic Bruising and Burning! Dip Perilous Kimli in icy water and see her turn black and blue! Use hot water, and watch third degree burns appear like MAGIC!
  • Rotating Ankles! Take Perilous Kimli out for a stroll — but watch out! Her rotating ankles could give at any second, and then she’ll have to hobble!
  • Hyper-Sensitive Allergies! Expose Perilous Kimli to a laundry list of natural elements and watch her eyes swell shut and leak real tears! Serve Perilous Kimli a bowl of fruit at tea time and her throat will close up! Take Perilous Kimli on a night out on the town and watch what happens when alcohol is introduced — will she make it home alive? Only your imagination knows for sure!

All this and MORE, only available on the Perilous Kimli Action Figure! You don’t want to be left behind, do you? If you don’t get your very own Perilous Kimli Action Figure TODAY, all the cool kids will laugh at you and you’ll never get invited to play Seven Minutes in Heaven at Debbie’s birthday party and make out with Hunky Darryl or that cute girl who doesn’t wear panties! With 12 different varieties to choose from, there’s bound to be a Perilous Kimli out there just for you! Take a look at just some of the exciting and realistic styles:

  • Casting Action Perilous Kimli! Comes with her very own copy of Return to Castle Wolfenstein, a headset with microphone, and a pair of Casting Goggles to protect her from herself! Casting Kimli comes pre-banned from several IRC channels just for speaking her mind and not being a no-talent mindless drone!
  • Talking Perilous Kimli! Playtime is so much more fun when there’s a voice to act out your fantasies! Talking Perilous Kimli says 15 phrases, such as “OW!” “It’s all good!” “I like Ed’s wiener” “BOOBIES!” “Fuck hell damn ass bitch whore shit cock fuck damn!”. Talking Perilous Kimli comes with a scrambled voice chip, so you’re never really sure what she’s going to say next — she trips over her words and mixes up phrases, just like her mom! What’s that, Perilous Kimli? You want to go to the parking mall for a sandwich of Wednesday? Oh, you!
  • Perilous Action Kitchen Kimli! — Oh oh, Perilous Kimli is hungry and wants a snack! Figure comes with a jar of pizza sauce (dangerous), her very own oven (really dangerous), and a first-aid kit with bandages and painkillers!
  • Perilous Kimli, Closet Exhibitionist! Perilous Kimli is shy and demure, but just wait until you tie her into her very own Good Girl Corset! At the first sign of cleavage, Perilous Kimli drops her inhibitions and flaunts her ample bosom! Dress her up in some PVC and watch her go to town, working that rack from dusk til dawn! The more you stare, the tighter her corset gets until she’s practically breaking laws! She’s a dirty girl, isn’t she, and that shy act she has going on won’t fool you — Perilous Kimli takes it up the butt and *likes* it!
  • Perilous Kimli, Internet Superstar! She’s round and incoherent, but damned if she hasn’t convinced herself otherwise! Massage Perilous Kimli’s ego and watch her chest puff out with pride. Comes with her own over-hyped and generally annoying blog, customized clothing reminding the world of her greatness, and a giant chip on her shoulder!

Don’t delay — get your own Perilous Kimli today! Remember, if mom and dad don’t buy you what you want, it means THEY DON’T LOVE YOU!

I tripped on my way to work and landed heavily on my left hand. It hurts, and my knee hurts, and I only got 2 hours of sleep, and I feel like a sack of hell. But I have my very own Action Figure, so I figure right about now I’m a hell of a lot cooler than, say, that kid who made the page looking for an internet girlfriend, or that guy who dresses up like Peter Pan. Oh yeah. I’m the man.

Ow.

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