from the archives: august 2002

Movie trailers in 2002 were just as obnoxious as they are today. To fully understand this post, you need to remember this commercial, which played NON-STOP that summer:

.. this was originally posted on August 16th, 2002:

camera pans over row after row of computers, hundreds of people hunched over their keyboards as a cry of “left! go left! red team is weak, take them out!” is heard over the roar of the crowd

Voiceover: You have to understand. These are some of the most dangerous maps in the game. Out here, you don’t just get fragged .. You get owned.

more camera shots, fast moving frames of DM6, scores, flick rail shots all set to a pounding drum beat. three people slumped over keyboards being shaken awake by a fourth, saying “hey. we’re up. get a move on!”

Voiceover: This summer, on the other side of paradise ..

camera pans to beautiful ocean view, rolling waves crashing onto the sand and beautiful people lounging about. quick slide to the left; camera shows a group of 7 girls walking in slow motion, keyboards slung over shoulders and headphones around necks

Voiceover: It’s not where you live, it’s how low your pings are.

funky dope rap music accompanies shots of the girls in front of computers, playing Q3. lots of energy; loud cheering whenever someone makes a kill. screen shows quad room in DM7; player gets quad and takes out 4 red opponents with 2 rails and a rocket. girls throw off headphones and start hugging and yelling.

Scene from movie: Cute Boy stands by row of computers, trying to talk to lead girl. Hesitantly, he asks “I was wondering if you’ve ever taught anybody. You know, how to play.” Camera angle changes to show girl packing up gear, wrapping headphone cord. Camera spends an inordinate amount of time focused on girl’s chest. Girl: “You mean, teach someone the game?” Boy: “Well, yeah.” Girl: “You might want to find a teacher who’s patient.” Boy: “And you’re ..?” Girl: “Not.”

more energetic music and shots of game play, girls fragging and getting fragged. lots of cheering, hugging, gratuitous boob shots

Voiceover: But if you want to be the best ..

Scene from movie: Seven girls looking up at projection screen filled with zombies. Girl 3, in awe: “You gotta be pro to handle something like this.

Voiceover: You’ve got to take the biggest risks.

camera pans to girls screaming at monitor, slamming mouse and throwing down headphones in frustration

Scene from movie: Girl 3: “You land a single rocket jump to the pillars and mid-air rail to take out 3 guys, you put yourself on the map.”

Cut to different scene: Burly Troll Guy: “What, you think you can play me for real?” Sassy Girl: “You know it.”

New scene: Girl setting up machine, joining server and running around to warm up. Girl 2: “What the hell is she doing?”

cue dramatic music

More scenes: Girl playing 1v1 on map 11, unable to find opponent. From spectator view, crowd can see Burly Troll Guy camping. Girl does not see his hiding spot. Rail shot rings out, Girl 2 yells “NO!”. Slow motion shot, mouse falling to the ground followed by headphones.

Voiceover: This summer ..

Camera pans to gang of Burly Troll Boys confronting Girl. Burly Troll Boy: “This game is for the big boys .. you don’t play here.” Boy shoves girl, who yells “Stop it!”. Cue Girl 3, who stands up to Burly Troll Boys: “Don’t touch her!” Fight starts, Troll Boys cry like little bitches.

Voiceover: There are moments where you can be anything ..

Scene: Cute Boy talking to Girl: “I know how much this means to you .. I just don’t want you to spend your life wondering what could have been.” Girl is at computer, tweaking config and cleaning mousepad.

Voiceover: Anything .. but a llama.

Scene: Girl 3: “You going back in there?” Girl: “Yup.” Girl 3: “Hey .. be careful?” Camera pans to room full of computers. Girl sits in front of one and puts on headphones, execs her config.

Loud rock music blares, scenes shown of girls playing games and getting frags, more crowd gathering to watch and cheering. Disgruntled Burly Troll Boys hold up signs saying “Stupid dyke whores, get back in the kitchen!” Girls high five each other, dance around to sexy music. Lots and lots of T&A shots. Boobs are everywhere. You can’t escape them. Boobs! Boobs! Everywhere, boobs! Shots of girls training, blindfolded running around maps and playing against nightmare bots, rail only. Pan to Cute Boy running up to the stage to kiss Girl; kiss is exchanged then Girl turns to Girl 2 and starts making out. Disgusted looks from Burly Troll Boys With Small Penises. Uplifting music about girl power plays on, more cleavage shots.

Final Scene: Seven girls standing in front of seven computers. Other side of the table are seven Burly Troll Boys in front of seven more computers. Girl: “Ready up, bitches. Think you can handle this?” Game starts “THREE .. TWO .. ONE .. FIGHT!”. Loud white flash bang takes us out.

Voiceover: This Summer ..

Big letters flash onto the screen with snazzy effects:

LLAMA CRUSH

These bitches got game.

I’m bored and unbelievably sick of seeing promos for Blue Crush. Leave me alone.

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