capitalist degeneration: fun for all

Dear Kimli’s Boss:

Please excuse Kimli for being 7 minutes late for work this morning, as she was busy looking for lesbian porn.

Sincerely, the Internet.

I almost missed all the buses ever this morning because I dallied a little too long at my computer, trying to find a picture of two ladies kissing. It’s not my fault – Rosemary posted a girl-on-girl mystery that needs solving, and I’m never one to turn down a chance to play Nancy Drew. I didn’t have any luck during my brief search this morning, but the day is still young. You should play, too. Let’s solve the Mystery of the Bourgeois Decadence!

You know what’s not nearly as awesome as two ladies kissing? Being trapped in an elevator. Yesterday on my way home, the Spartan elevator broken down and I found myself trapped for several minutes. I wasn’t too worried – I had just done White Trash Groceries and wouldn’t starve – but I DID have to pee and I had almost no cell service. I’ve been wary of elevator help buttons after The Incident on Water Street, but after several minutes of standing around looking confused I finally pressed the button to get help. After all, I was completely trapped with bags of rapidly defrosting food and a full bladder – if ever there was a time I could use a knight in shiny armour to save the day, this would be it.

Yeeeeah, the help button in our elevator? Makes a doorbell sound. And that’s it. It’s not connected to a phone or walkie talkie or war room full of armoured knights waiting for damsels in distress – it just goes BONG! It didn’t help. I was seconds away from pulling out my phone to call 911 whine about my predicament on Twitter when the elevator made a huge lurch and started moving again. Hooray! None of the buttons were responding and my fob wouldn’t fob anything at all, but I made it to the first floor. That was good enough and I wasn’t about to get myself stuck again, so I hauled my trashy groceries upstairs and vowed to never leave home again .. which lasted for 30 minutes, because I realized we still had no mayonnaise and I really needed some.

The guy in the gas station was extremely confused at my mayo emergency.

5 thoughts on “capitalist degeneration: fun for all

  1. I heard a rumor that if you dial 911, your phone boosts its power. So, even if you have no service, it’s worth trying to dial 911 (ie, if you’re stuck in an elevator) because it would really suck to be this guy:

  2. Dude, thank you for your dedication over the lesbian pron question. I still have no idea where the hell that painting is from. Come OOOOOOOOOON, lesbians!!

    The elevator. Scary. I’m glad you escaped without having to chug a 2 litre of Diet Coke and whiz into the empty bottle.

  3. My friend got stuck in an elevator with a woman who had IBS. They were in there for no less than 30 seconds when she told everyone she needed to poo and asked where she should go. A man had just cleared out his lunch box for her to shit in when the elevator started to move. I think I would take the stairs forever after that!

  4. Pingback: mmxi in review « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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