I’ve been avoiding this update, because 2011 has been full of balls. Some of those balls were shiny and filled with delicious pudding, but most of them were hairy and slimy and smelly. Even with two epic adventures that were the highlights of my life to date, the rest of 2011 was so bad that the year ends up with a negative score overall. It was a bad year. F—-; would not buy again.
Nothing says “I’m a well-adjusted person” like constantly bringing up the past (I’ve only had 1.5 therapies; cut me some slack), so here for your enjoyment and my own personal torment is a recap of what happened in 2011!
January: My mother came to visit, with hilarious (now; not at the time) results. I got mystery sausage in the mail (that later turned out to be proactive guilt sausage). Gave up on my vagina; smoked a tiny pipe. Amused myself at work. Friendship-ruining drama ensued. We refinanced our mortgage for fun; was pretty fun. Carried the world in my bag. Did not die from expired mayo. Documented Visio diagrams to depict relationships in VC Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic and Heaven books.
February: Schnitzelfest 2011, complete with old people dancing. More drama. Started reposting older entries. Was late for work because of lesbian porn. Caught my very first computer virus; was humiliated. Played Rescue Ranger. Found out my blood type! Had a performance review and more fun with my work. Yanked some glass; had the first of many Sharepoint Rages.
March: Was offended at our new corporate website. Went to an amazing Yelp Elite event at Yew. Drugs! Abused euphemisms like no other. Made flags for work. Was scrubbed out. Volunteered at Twestival; had a great time. Went to a princess party! Celebrated ten years of Delicious Juice Dot Com. Had my giant project at work implode spectacularly; was surprisingly upbeat about it.
April: Pulled off the lamest April Fool’s joke in history. Was dirty on the internet. Vastly underestimated the size of cake. Publicly shamed some line-crashing cougars. Rose to Donna’s vaginal challenge. Wore a tie!
May: Went to a soccer game at Empire Field. Went to Cuba for a week! Had an amazing time! Burned the ever-loving fuck out of my right shoulder! Saw hockey boobs; put them on the internet. Was smug! Reveled in my love of ridiculous challenges. took Ed boating for his birthday, followed by a visit to the spa.
June: Made Ed a Very Special Card for his birthday. Listened to a couple break up outside my window. Fessed up to being depressed. Wrote some hilarious policy! Popped pills. Some riots happened; my post about it kind of exploded on the internet. Went viral on my birthday, which was kind of neat. Was on TV multiple times. Dug up some skeletons in my closet for the haters. Refused to apologize. Played with Lego, which started a recurring theme on my site. Gave up on pants!
July: Building caught on fire; thought I killed my cat. Learned a valuable lesson a day too late. Had more fun at work. Held a press conference, kind of. Was blocked in China; took Heather and Shan on a boat. Cherry Velvet dresses! Lego’d up some Game of Thrones. Had an orgy. Blew the lid off OK Cupid’s Selective Matching. Lego’d up the 80s. More drama; made demands. Shared plans to open a brothel. Was angry about bukkake. Tom of Legoland!
August: Did more Lego. Fancy Taco Friday! Booked a trip to London! Tried to become the Poet Laureate of Vancouver. Was incredulous. Found out I had a dead uncle. Was not serious enough at work. Had pigeons! Did crafts! Rescued the stupid pigeons! Saw one of my best friends get married! Flashed all of downtown Vancouver. Free ice cream with a side of church! Put things in a locket at the request of Twitter. Lost all my historic data thanks to a fatal hard drive explosion that I totally caused. Had scooter issues (that were later resolved); half-assedly did PAX 11. Killed Bill!
September: Survival of Covenants! Was a bad influence. The beginning of the end at work. Became an unwilling expert on Payment Card Industry Data Security Standards. Started to get in trouble for being myself. Peed on the couch. Was disgusted at the National Post for promoting hate in Canada.
October: Was grumpy at idiots. Wrote about tacos and music. My mother started dating. Became an ordained minister for fun! Was bitten by an asshole cat; had to get tetanus shot. A bunch of other stuff happened but who cares because Renee, Heather and I WENT TO LONDON! Had the friggin‘ time of my life; a definite highlight of 2011 and my entire life. Currently plotting my Return to London. Loved it.
November: Attempted to do an experiment that ultimately failed. Survived a round of layoffs at work. (finally) got in trouble for my Epic Cleavage. Was evil for fun. Work started to suck. Polled the internet for solutions to my boobs. Finally went to Victoria; was traumatized by g-strings. Was really, really depressed. Sought help for depression. Made boring grown-up decisions.
December: Tried to fit in with Pussy Bow Week, which fell short due to defiance. Started therapy. Dusted off my barista skills. Got the results of my background check; am total bad ass. Had a series of disastrous conversations with my boss; went from inquiring about my next raise to losing my job in exactly 6 days. Wrote copy for one of my favourite sites on the internet. Smelled bad things; wrote this damn recap.
There are still 10 days left in December, but I can’t see anything spectacular or devastating happening that would top the highs and lows of this year, so ..
2011 can’t come to an end soon enough. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out – I don’t want ass prints all over my new door.
C’mon, 2012: dazzle me!