I’m working on the part of our employee manual that covers sexual harassment. I am so very much the wrong person for this job – I can’t take anything seriously, much less a hilarious policy that I desperately want to make fun of. (disclaimer: I know sexual harassment is real and serious and a Big Deal, but I can still find the policies aimed at preventing it funny)

It’s all so serious and heavy handed – has anyone ever read something like this and said “oh, shit. good thing I saw the policy; I am definitely thinking twice about asking Mary in Accounting to go A2M tonight!”. It’s also strangely precise, but in a half-assed kind of way. If you’re going to list things people shouldn’t do, you should be really specific so they’re afraid to do anything at all:

Harassment is unwelcome sexual advances, sexually oriented conduct, comments, solicitations, gestures or actions that create a work environment that is offensive, hostile, threatening or demeaning.  Examples of sexual harassment includes any of the following unwelcome conduct:

• Oral sex in the kitchen
• Bending someone over a stack of routers and having your way with them
• Pinching bums to check for ripeness
• Inviting anyone, via Evite or otherwise, to a pants party
• Reverse cowgirl in the copy room
• Helicoptering anywhere at all
• Donkey punching
• The Reverse Wheel Barrow Insertion
• The Hanging Sandwich Mixer
• Splitting of the Bamboo
• The following exchange: Me: “I’ll just shove it in there.” Coworker: “That’s what she said.” Both of us: *dirty laugh.*
• Figging
• Pegging
• Figging while pegging
• Snowballing
• Happy Endings
• Daisy Chaining (routers or otherwise)
• Heptomacrophilia

This list is just a small portion of our Sexual Harassment Policy. For the complete list, please review pages 75 through 12395.

I’m having so much fun with this I haven’t even had time for Star Wars references!