a matter of policy

I’m working on the part of our employee manual that covers sexual harassment. I am so very much the wrong person for this job – I can’t take anything seriously, much less a hilarious policy that I desperately want to make fun of. (disclaimer: I know sexual harassment is real and serious and a Big Deal, but I can still find the policies aimed at preventing it funny)

It’s all so serious and heavy handed – has anyone ever read something like this and said “oh, shit. good thing I saw the policy; I am definitely thinking twice about asking Mary in Accounting to go A2M tonight!”. It’s also strangely precise, but in a half-assed kind of way. If you’re going to list things people shouldn’t do, you should be really specific so they’re afraid to do anything at all:

Harassment is unwelcome sexual advances, sexually oriented conduct, comments, solicitations, gestures or actions that create a work environment that is offensive, hostile, threatening or demeaning.  Examples of sexual harassment includes any of the following unwelcome conduct:

  • Oral sex in the kitchen
  • Bending someone over a stack of routers and having your way with them
  • Pinching bums to check for ripeness
  • Inviting anyone, via Evite or otherwise, to a pants party
  • Reverse cowgirl in the copy room
  • Helicoptering anywhere at all
  • Donkey punching
  • The Reverse Wheel Barrow Insertion
  • The Hanging Sandwich Mixer
  • Splitting of the Bamboo
  • The following exchange: Me: “I’ll just shove it in there.” Coworker: “That’s what she said.” Both of us: *dirty laugh.*
  • Figging
  • Pegging
  • Figging while pegging
  • Snowballing
  • Happy Endings
  • Daisy Chaining (routers or otherwise)
  • Heptomacrophilia

This list is just a small portion of our Sexual Harassment Policy. For the complete list, please review pages 75 through 12395.

I’m having so much fun with this I haven’t even had time for Star Wars references!

3 thoughts on “a matter of policy

  1. Pingback: mmxi in review « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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