kimdiana jones and the survival of covenants

I have no idea what a Survival of Covenants is, but it’s in our company Employment Agreement. I really want to rewrite this document as I have our employee manual (now called a Strategy Guide), but seeing as it’s a legal document and all .. well, all I can do is fix the formatting. Hideous formatting offends me, and this official document is officially terrible.

I’m so close to being done the Strategy Guide I can almost taste it. My boss gave it the thumbs up before she left for vacation, and I’m making the final changes before preparing the complete package for full fanciness. I had to take out a few of the more flamboyant sentences, but I was able to keep a lot in; almost enough to keep me satisfied at the level of what the fuck.

On company equipment: .. if your equipment is lost or stolen by pirates, please notify your Team Lead and Desktop Support immediately.

Absenteeism: If you find yourself sick/having child care issues/abducted by aliens/defending your family from the zombie apocalypse, we ask that you a) phone or email your supervisor, and b) email the office.

Lateness: Slept through the alarm – traffic – missed a bus – the aforementioned zombie apocalypse – sometimes your day starts with less than a bang but more of a limp and a whimper.

Maternity Leave: .. are entitled to 52 weeks of leave to bond with your offspring and do non-stop kegels in an attempt to regain strength and some semblance of tightness in your baby dispenser (okay, maybe this didn’t actually make the final cut)

Toronto Office: A significant upgrade from the previous office, the new location has many modern comforts that were missing, such as a sink and the world’s longest whiteboard [citation needed].

Dress Code: We’re an IT company, and we’re well aware of what that means: jeans and a clean t-shirt are considered formal wear. That being said, we’re a little afraid of what might happen if we said “there’s no dress code” – please wear pants.  For safety reasons, we do ask that you do not wear cut-off shorts, sweatpants, flip-flop shoes, or asbestos suits. We want you to be comfortable but safe, and there is a lot of pointy equipment around our offices.

Substance Abuse: Please do the sensible thing and don’t show up to work under the influence of drugs, alcohol or the Imperius Curse.

Sexual Harassment

Workplace Conduct: Common sense is king: if you wouldn’t do it in front of your mother, you shouldn’t do it at work. All Team Members are expected to treat one another with respect and dignity, and we will not look kindly on anyone who does otherwise. We maintain a fun but professional workplace, and certain things are just not appropriate. If you need to know exactly what these things are, please see Appendix A for the Ethical Behaviour policy.

So, yeah. I got some fun stuff in there, but it’s still missing something – for starters, there are no Star Wars references. Just a second; gotta fix that —

Okay. Now the table of contents lists a section on our offices in Vancouver, Toronto and Degobah. Much better.

I love having fun with my job!

bah bah bahbah .. bah bah baaaaaah bah bah bahbah bah bah da da da

Um as a complete aside, you need to watch this – this guy rules.

3 thoughts on “kimdiana jones and the survival of covenants

  1. you should’ve gave a warning before reading. mouthful of sandwich and giggling at your maternity section makes for some crummys on my desk.

    i totally wish that this made it in too.

  2. Pingback: mmxi in review « delicious juice dot com: unapologetically inappropriate

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