Happy Cyber Monday, everyone! It’s about time there was an international day to celebrate the most awkward of all the erotic arts: cyber sex! Who among us can say they haven’t engaged in a little textual intercourse and rubbed one out while lying to strangers about your physical attributes? Cyber sex is both a rite of passage and coming of age story (no pun intended) all rolled into one, and I for one salute my crusty brethren with a proud and sticky hand. Fap on, brave soldiers, fap on.

It’s Pussy Bow Week ’round these parts, kids. If you don’t know what a Pussy Bow is, I will tell you: it’s a large floppy bow tied at the neck of a blouse or dress. They were popular in the 70s as 1930’s retro and were in vogue earlier this year and last (I am nothing if not behind the times when it comes to fashion). If they sound ridiculous, it’s because they kind of are – all floppy and silly up around your neck, looking like you had leftover material you didn’t want to waste. They’re not anything I’d normally wear: you can’t show off too much cleavage if you’ve got a giant bow wrapped around your neck like you’re the worst present ever – but for some reason, I own multiple items with pussy bows. Items that never get worn because of the no-cleavage thing. I’d be fine with that, but that was then and this is the Brave New World with No Boobs Allowed .. so here I am, Making an Effort:

For this entire work week, I will wear nothing but Pussy Bows. I swear with all the the internet as my witness that for the next five days, no one will see a peep of my juicy melons (unless you are Ed or looking through my windows). I will dress my neck up in a different ridiculous floppy bow every single day and document the results for prosperity and science and also because I spent yesterday cleaning out my drawers and now I’m wearing the stuff I forgot I owned. It’ll be fun and frustrating, which is totally what I need on top of my impending mental breakdown from stress and emergency red text depression.

Today’s pussy bow is red!

every time i typed "pussy bow" it came out as "pussy boy", which is an entirely different thing