We are being good little monkeys and are paying our mortgage on an accelerated bi-weekly plan with the maximum percent of extra allowed. It’s all fine and good, except that I get paid every two weeks and Ed twice a month – so in the months I have an “extra” payday, I don’t really get to enjoy it because there’s an “extra” mortgage payment coming out.

That blows, especially when the extra cheque comes in December – I want to buy presents, not be all responsible and stuff. I find very little joy in being responsible; heaping piles of it in gifting my loved ones – so once a year, I’d like to be able to go “wheeee!” and shop for others with reckless abandon (instead of the rest of the year, when I reckless abandon for myself only). To make this happen, all I’d have to do is change our payment from accelerated bi-weekly to twice monthly – can’t be that difficult, right?

Getting into our mortgage account aside, it’s actually not difficult at all to make that tiny little change. However ..

It’d add another thirty fucking months to our amortization. I don’t pretend to know what the fuck that is, but “amortization” literally means “kill to the death” in Latin .. and having to do it for an extra 30 months just seems like a really bad idea. I thought maybe I’d have to increase our payments a little to make up for the two fewer payments a year, but I can’t DO that because we’re already paying the maximum. Any pleasure I’d get from having two extra non-mortgage-earmarked paydays pales in comparison to the thought of paying the bank for an extra two and half years .. and that sucks. $5000 in spending money < additional $40000 in mortgage paid.

Unless I’m thinking about this all wrong, that is – anyone? Money and numbers are not my thing. I know what the numbers say on paper, but paper assumes I’ll be paying this amount at this rate with this lender for the rest of time and I know that isn’t likely. Leaving everything alone would be the easiest route, but the easiest route is often the least interesting and I am nothing if not petulant and bitchy when I don’t get my way.

Other stupid grown up stuff: I have a consultant with a therapist this coming Tuesday afternoon. I could have gotten in tomorrow, but I’m no so crazy or a danger to myself that I want to skip the Buffy sing along so Tuesday it is. In the meantime, I may turn to HARDCORE DRUGS to force myself to sleep at night – Benedryl will take care of my non-stop allergies AND knock me the fuck out, so it’s win win. My kidneys can take another one for the team; they are strong like bull on account of all that drinking I don’t do.

If you’re poor like me because of goddamn home ownership but want to participate in the Black Friday frenzy like the rest of the world except without having to go outside or trample old people, try these on for size:

Oscura

Universal
Genre: Platform
Price: $0.99 (sale price, 50% off)

I had this app on my Wish List, because the reviews said it was short and I didn’t want to pay full price. It went on sale this week, and I’m really glad I grabbed it – the game is GORGEOUS. Yeah, it’s short, but it’s also really pretty and a lot of fun. I’ve got so many games that it takes more than pigs in hats to hold my attention for any length of time, and this game hit the trifecta of interest: game play, graphics, sound. Worth the buck!

Glowfish

Universal with a separate HD version for $2.99
Genre: Platformish
Price: $0.99 (sale price, 60% off)

Pretty, pretty, pretty. Most of my favourite games involve elevators or zombie removal, but Glowfish is a nice change from all the carnage and demand for inventory control. There’s an HD version of the game available, but I didn’t even notice I was in lowly regular def – they did a really great job of this game. The music is fantastic, the gameplay engaging, and it’s SO DAMN PRETTY!

Chillingham Manor

Universal
Genre: Puzzle
Price: Free! (sale price)

Less pretty, more fun. An interesting puzzle game with a cheesy story line and a guy who desperately wants to be Hershel Layton, Chillingham Manor was a surprise to stumble across. It’s a matching game, but NOT a match-3. It took a round or two to figure out what the fuck, but once I did I was hooked and have already played through it once and started again. If you like puzzle games and guys in top hats, get this app while it’s free.

Hungry Master

Universal
Genre: what the fuck
Price: Free! (possible sale)

This game is weird and Japanese and weird. It made me laugh and restart every time I died (via trampling by marshmallow rhino), and kind of has to be seen to be believed. Special magic explode all indeed. Free, so worth a look and a raised eyebrow.

There. Great deals for you, and you didn’t have to put on pants. You’re welcome.