My breakfast was missing a little something this morning, so while eating cold eggs I became an ordained minister.
Congratulations! You are now legally ordained for life, though you may relinquish your credentials at any time. AS OF Tuesday the 11th of October 2011 YOU HAVE BECOME A MEMBER OF THE PRESTIGIOUS CLERGY. You have earned a title worthy of admiration and respect.
So, there you go. Admire and respect me, for I have filled out a form online and pressed submit!I don’t have an official certificate – that costs money – but if I sprang the $6.99 + shipping, it would look like this:
In addition to now being LITERALLY holier than thou, being ordained allows me to:
- Perform marriages, funerals, baptisms, ceremonial rites, and last rites
- Start my own church, be it brick & mortar or online
- Absolve others of their sins
- Use the title Reverend, Minister, Healer, Educator, and more
HELL HEAVEN YES. This is awesome! Who wants to be absolved of some sins? Who will be the first to join the Church of No Pants? All are welcome! Blessed are the children of No Pants, for we are without sin (on account of my absolving people left and right). Also, orgies. They’re holy now, and easier than ever what with the no pants and all. Hooray! I am ordained!
Oh dude I can get a certificate declaring me an official Jedi Knight. AWESOME.
Time to go absolve some sins!
One thought on “my holiness”
It should be noted that in the King James Bible, pants are not mentioned a single time. Not once. You’d think that if they were so important, God would have mentioned them, no?
“Let him without breeches cast the first stone” Book of Kimlee 8:7